Twitchy's blog: "My ramblings"

I really dont like when my friends are upset in anyway. I always want to help out and feel bad when I cant. For those of you that read this, I just want you to know that I am here if anyone needs to talk about something or what not. I know it is sometimes easier to talk to someone who has no real life connection other then the internet. But I am here. No matter what. "Tossing and turning, dreaming about you. Wishing you were next to me, but knowing it wont come true. If only you knew just what you did, and how you make me feel. Never knowing what to say, so I just have to deal."

Well, I guess it truely is over. I tried to make things work, but I guess trying wasnt good enough. My heart feels like it has been ripped into a million pieces and no one cares. I should have known something like this was going to happen. I should have protected myself. But I was stupid, nieve, however you want to put it. Yeah, I fucked up and didnt say somethings like I should have, but I didnt think it was that bad. Thats what I get for thinking I guess. I dont know what to do with myself right now. I just sit and stare at nothing most of the time, just thinking about everything that went wrong. All I wanted was a family of my own. Stupid thinking on my part. I have never really ever had any suicidal thoughts, but I have wanted to cause pain to myself just so the emotional pain could be drowned out by the physical. Its just to much. All this and then I have to go to court on Monday for a dumbass who doesnt want his kid. I am not mentally strong enough for all of this. I dont have it in me to keep going and fight for what I believe or want or anything like that. I am at the point where I just want to give up. After Monday, and when the "father" really finds out that our daughter is actually his, he is going to try and take me to court for custody and for some reason, I am afraid they will give it to him and his wife just because he is married and probably has a more stable home for her then I do. I cant lose her. That would definitly be the last straw. I would just break down and then I really wouldnt know what to do. I dont deserve all this shit being thrown at me. Am I not better then all of this? Do I not deserve better? What the hell did I do for all this shit to happen to me, and so close together? I need to find strength, but it is definitly avoiding me. I need help.. Somebody, please..

My ex came home on Wednesday with myself under the impression he and I were going to try and work things out. All day he was distant and wouldnt really talk to me or anything. Finally, I drag out of him what is bothering him, and he tells me that instead of tryin to work things out with me he is going to pursue a long distance relationship with the chick I thought he was going to leave me for from the beginning of our end. He is going to visit her in Missouri for about 2 weeks. He leaves tomorrow. I hope he is happy. I think I deserve so much better then that. I dont deserve to just be left for someone so far away. But whatever floats his boat right.. Anywho.. Thanks for listening to my issue. xoxoxo

I have been hanging out with my friend for the past week or so... She and I have a lot in common. We are both mothers and neither of us get out much. So, we got together and decided we wanted to go out. Well, because she wanted to go out, her mother and her baby's father hate me. The father is jealous of me because she wants to go out with me, but that is not my fault. All he likes to do is sit at home on his ass and not talk. Anywho.. My friend and I went to this place called The Banque. It is a country bar with two-stepping and a lot of nice looking "cowboys" and "southern gentlemen". It's really fun to hang out there. I am planning going there for my 21st birthday, and hopefully doing it on a thursday when the Southern Gentlemen put on a nice little show. :) woo hoo lol..

Between Myspace, Xanga, IMVU, and this, Im sure I could have millions of people read what I have to say, though, not many do read any blogs. Just thought I would put my words in. Well, Im new to this so I will figure out the ropes..