Ten years ago.
I was the type of person that thought love was the most important thing in the world. If you loved somebody you gave everything you are to that person. You make any sacrifice. You took the pain with a smile. All the persons faults were forgivable. Any grand gesture that I needed to make I made. Move 2,000 miles away from your home where you don't know anyone Craig. SURE!
Trust every one of them with my money and my things and when they break that trust give them another chance. Then another and another.
Once you were in my "circle" it took damn near a betrayal of Caesaresque proportion. I would defend, support and stand beside my lovers until the end.
To the hilt. In for a penny in for a pound. Nothing held back. And when my heart was broken I thought " It is okay. The next one will be the one that deserves my emotions and attention." And I began the search again.
These days.
I have no issue getting rid of people that offend or harm me. Betray me once and you are gone. All of those flaws not my fucking concern. Keep them under control or leave.
Love is not worth the effort or pain. I go into every relationship with an exit strategy in place. I wait for the other shoe to drop. I am always on the lookout for the next Ex-girlfriend.
My faith is shattered and my hope is gone. I expect the worse in everyone and the days of doing whatever it takes are long gone. I think I would have a problem moving over in bed for somebody now let alone moving across the country.
So consider the stage set.
I was told by me Cex the other night that over the last month when we were suppose to be working on rebuilding our friendship and thus our relationship that I have been standoffish in our conversations. I have spoken to her about nothing of substance only superficial how was your day bullshit.
She is right. The truth is when she told me that she could not answer if she wanted to work this out or not. I lost faith and as the days went past with things becoming more and more strained I began to lose my hope.
Somebody once told me "There is always hope." When she told me that all of those years ago I knew that she was wrong. There is not always hope. Hope and Faith are like cups. Everyday we take a sip from them. And over time they become empty. There needs to be something to refills those cups. I have yet to figure out what that is. I have been without faith or hope for years now.
But now I am faced with having to sit here with a person that I care so deeply for and that I honestly dont think I will ever forgive and try to be her friend.
I don't know if I can do that. I want to with every ounce of my being. But when it comes down to it I dont know if I have that kind of thing in me anymore.
