JustFate's blog: "Thoughts on life"

i dont know what else to do. i dont know where else to go. im destroying everything in my life. i was diagnosed with bipolar and borderline when i was a teenager. im 27 now. when i turned 18, i made the decision to stop taking my meds. i didnt want to be tied to them anymore. i wanted, when people meet me, for them to actually meet ME and not my pills. ive learned to track my moods and tell whats going to be a trigger and adjust my behavior.

this time is different. its never been this bad. im scared that im not going to be able to pull my self out of this one. ive ended a 9 year marriage with my pregnant wife. i have a shitty job that im trying soooo hard to fight the urge to quit. i called out of work last night to stay home and get drunk. 

the worst part though is, as lame as it may sound, i actually feel like "everyone is out to get me" i feel like everyone is talking $#%^ about me behind my back. i feel like if anyone is talking to me, that they have some sort of agenda, like they're just pumping me for information. ive alienated my self from everyone around me because of this. i KNOW its just in my head but i cant help thinking that i cant trust anyone. and its such a strong feeling. i cant get over it.

i need help. im losing my life. its like im watching my life as a movie. everything is happening and im helpless to do anything to change it. my anger is getting out of control. i feel like people are intentionally doing things just to piss me off. i blow up at everything now. i feel like i have to smoke pot just to quell my temper. 

i need to get back on meds, but i dont know how to get any. i dont have any insurance, so the only other route is to go to the local mental health facility. ive been trying but it seems like the only way to get an appointment is to threaten suicide. i could never do that. i cant afford to be baker acted. ill lose everything then. i dont even know what meds i need any more. when i was a kid i was taking depakote, zoloft, and remeron. but i really didnt like how they made me feel. 

i need help. i do this anymore