JustFate's blog: "Thoughts on life"

i dont know what else to do. i dont know where else to go. im destroying everything in my life. i was diagnosed with bipolar and borderline when i was a teenager. im 27 now. when i turned 18, i made the decision to stop taking my meds. i didnt want to be tied to them anymore. i wanted, when people meet me, for them to actually meet ME and not my pills. ive learned to track my moods and tell whats going to be a trigger and adjust my behavior.

this time is different. its never been this bad. im scared that im not going to be able to pull my self out of this one. ive ended a 9 year marriage with my pregnant wife. i have a shitty job that im trying soooo hard to fight the urge to quit. i called out of work last night to stay home and get drunk. 

the worst part though is, as lame as it may sound, i actually feel like "everyone is out to get me" i feel like everyone is talking $#%^ about me behind my back. i feel like if anyone is talking to me, that they have some sort of agenda, like they're just pumping me for information. ive alienated my self from everyone around me because of this. i KNOW its just in my head but i cant help thinking that i cant trust anyone. and its such a strong feeling. i cant get over it.

i need help. im losing my life. its like im watching my life as a movie. everything is happening and im helpless to do anything to change it. my anger is getting out of control. i feel like people are intentionally doing things just to piss me off. i blow up at everything now. i feel like i have to smoke pot just to quell my temper. 

i need to get back on meds, but i dont know how to get any. i dont have any insurance, so the only other route is to go to the local mental health facility. ive been trying but it seems like the only way to get an appointment is to threaten suicide. i could never do that. i cant afford to be baker acted. ill lose everything then. i dont even know what meds i need any more. when i was a kid i was taking depakote, zoloft, and remeron. but i really didnt like how they made me feel. 

i need help. i do this anymore

Some of you may already know this, but alot of you dont... When i was 13, I was diagnosed with type 1 Bipolar disorder(or manic depression). Its something that i have struggled with for a great deal of my life. I have been on all the medications for it throughout my adolecent life, and for a breif period as an adult. I have since decided that I am no longer going to be taking medication for it. It was not a decision made lightly, but, when im on that medication, i dont feel like "me". I believe that I'm stronger than my demons, however, they do still haunt me.

I know that there are a lot of steriotypes about people with this disorder, so thats why im writing about it right now. Im not "crazy". I have a chemical imbalance that makes me act differently than most people.

there are pretty much 3 phases to the disorder, which if any of you that have known or will know me long enough, you will see them all.

the manic phase... On the outside, ill seem very outgoing, excited, and all around a very fun guy. Those are the good parts of it. What you dont see is that during this phase, I become extremely irresponsible. I quit jobs, i go on mass spending sprees, and sometimes (very rarely) have short psychotic episodes, which so far, have only effected my thought processes and I become delusional. If you understand what im telling you, cool. If not, i would really appreciate you reading about psychosis and delusions before passing judgement. The manic phase is very unpredictable for me. Its never the same. I can usually spot when i am becoming manic and adjust accordingly. I can usually tell im becomming manic because ill start makeing silly mistakes. mistakes that i usually wouldnt be making. over and over and over again. But sometimes its not so easy for me to see.

Depression... During my manic phase(towards the end), i get pretty anxious and I get very irritable. I also start to become reclusive. I stop talking to people. I make any excuse i can think of(usually lies) to just be by my self. If im pressured to stay open with people, I get extremely angry. Ill say things that i dont really mean. Ill be insulting and cruel. Anything that i can think of to say or do to just be left alone, ill do. I have lost many many friendships due to this. Some of my former friends have gone out of their way to try to "fix" me, only to have me be a complete douchebag to them. I try to recognize when im acting out like that so i dont hurt the people that care about me but sometime i just act without thinking and end up hurting the people i love. Please dont try to "fix" me. Sometimes im just not alright.... and thats alright. I really do appreciate people being there for me(at a distance). Just remember that when i get like this, that its not your fault and im not angry with you. Im just angry/sad in general and Ill be myself again soon!

The "normal" phase.... you guessed it... im "normal" like everyone else. Im not too over-the-top, but im not down in the dumps either. Thats pretty much it. You know how YOU feel most of the time? Well, this is it.


Sooooo, like it or not, this is me. You dont have to like it, but you do have to accept it... This is the way God made me, and im not changing. You can either accept it and move on(i wouldnt blame you) or you can accept it and understand that im just a little "off" sometimes.

I didnt write this to have anyone pitty me, so please dont, cause I dont pitty myself. I wrote it because of all the steriotypes out there and the majority of people just dont understand. Its hard for me to tell people about my disorder, because i dont want them to think im crazy. I absolutely love all my freinds, and dont want to loose a single one of you because of a misunderstanding.

If you read this, i would really appreciate a comment, but you dont really have to.

--calvin

one day it occured to me that everything we are; Who we are as people, family, friends, morals....everything. Its all just memories. Electrical connections firing across neurons. When death takes hold, those memories die too. When we are gone, all thats left is the memory of what was. The key to immortality is to make that memory of what was last an eternity. Do you want to live forever? Make your life count. Effect those around you. If you make a big enough impression, people will be sharing the memories of what was until the end of time.