I Am The Beautiful Letdown's blog: "My life according to...well...me"

I'm looking at a picture of us when we were happy and I can't stop crying because i want my baby back. you mean everything to me and I can't take it. I know things aren't the greatest but I can see it in your face. Baby please give me that one last chance. I look at you and my heart sinks. I have these memories of our life together and I can't take this. Youre with someone who wont really be apart of you and I just want to cry. I know you love me so why are you putting me through this. Give me a reason to smile again. Give the pain a reason to stop. make me whole again cause without you i only have half my heart.

been awhile since i have done this...still very upset and still very much in pain..how is it that you can miss someone so much when they are with you everyday...well ok almost everyday..i would give anything to get back what i had including my life if it meant me to be happy again. i let my anger rule and it cost me everything i had. my anger and my carelessness cost me the happiness i once had. now im stranded because i cant fix whats done and im in pain. i let the stupid shit i do take over me again and i caused myself my own pain. im trying my best to swallow all of this and not let it effect me and i go dayd without crying but then i will hear a song or someone will bring up a memory and i start to break down all over again. i cry as i write this because i can't help it. i need to figure out how to get through this but i just dont know how. normally by now im fine and i can let go and i move on i dont know why i cant this time. i just want to hold him all the time and never let go. i dont know how many prayers i have said and how many stars i have wished on but i do it everyday. if not for him i wish for me to not feel the pain anymore and to not feel like i have no heart left and no drive for anything. i move through the day motionless for the most part. i dont want pity and i dont need any support i just need to get what i feel off ym chest. at this point i dont know what i have left in me. im fighting for the one thing in my life that actually made sense and the one person in life who actually does care and has been there for me and has taken care of me and loved me unconditionally. i destroyed him because i dont know how to keep myself from self destructing all the time. now ill never wake up and him be with me again. ill wake up to a friend someone who cares but never the us like it used to be and its tearing me up on the inside. when hes gone i miss him so much and when hes here i just want to be near him. i know that probably sounds really retarded but i cant help. he's my angel. he saved me from my life and what did i do i hurt him in return. i wish i knew what the hell was wrong with me...if i couldtake it all back i would id do things differently..id do things for him and make things perfect but i dont know if ill ever get that chance again. there are days when i think ill be able to just say fuck it and other days when i dont want to climb out of bed. i dont know how else to tell him im sorry or how else to show how much i love him. i try everyday but i dont know if it's enough...i want him to be happy i really do..if hes happy without me then maybe i should just leave it alone but it's so hard....i want him to be happy but with me...damn it i wish i could just redo everything..id be a better person...id make it all ok again...i hope that he knows i love him and that id give up my life for him. i hope he knows how much i wish i could fix this. i hope one day maybe everything ive done can be forgiven and i can get that chance to make it right. damn it i love him..im so sorry..i cant even begin to describe how sorry i am...i miss my angel and i want him back.

so i know i fucked up...all those things i wrote i wrote out of anger in earlier blogs...i dont want him to leave because i love him so goddamn much i can't even stand it anymore. i feel like someone is taking away life support. i can't stand to be in my own home because it's making me want to cry. i cry in the shower at work in my car at the gym...i just keep breaking down. why is this happening..why is the one thing that makes me happy being taken away? I can't deal...I didn't mean all the shit i wrote i was angry....damn it i just want to make this better...things were goin so good and i was so happy...why did it have to be destroyed...i take it all back....i dont need a husband i need him and out of anger i put things out here on cherry i shouldnt have and destroyed my life...

listen all of you on here in cherry land..there is a certain person i love more then life itself and things got better and were doing great and i messed up on here posting rants about that person..he is now angry and hates me i think. well i love him and wish i could take back exactly what was said. i know i messed up and i know i cant reverse the damage but hope that he can read this and know how truly sorry i am and that i do love him to pieces....he will always be with me in my heart....if he can find it in him to forgive me i wish that he would..i love you and you know damn well who you are.

please someone take this pain i feel away. i just cant do it i cant breathe because it hurts and i cant sleep because im sick...please someone come rescue me the pain is so bad i just want to hurt something so it feels my pain