Morrigan's blog: "I rant...therefore I am."

I wander through this life mired in the drudgery of day to day.

I wake up, send my daughter off to school, clean house, put in job applications online, take care of my Mom, argue with my son over getting his chores done, welcome my daughter home from school, cook dinner, clean up from dinner, go to the pool for about an hour or so, take a bath, hop online for a bit, and go to bed...where I stare up at the ceiling [sometimes with tears in my eyes] until exhaustion drags me down into sleep. All of this, just so that I can awaken the next morning to do the same thing.

While I love the people in my life, it's not difficult to hate the life itself. I'm bored. I'm lonely. I'm starved for companionship.

I have memories of a different life. A life before my mother became ill. A life where I had a rewarding office career and colleagues I admired.  A life where I had a great group of friends and a life outside my home. A life where, on a Saturday night, I could drop the kids off at my mom's house and go to see my friends' band play at a local club...sit backstage and hang out...meet new people...have FUN.

If I had it all to do over again, I wouldn't change what I did. I would still take care of my mother. How could I not? She's the only person who always stood beside me no matter what mistakes I made. She helped me through my struggles as I raised my children alone, because while I made good choices professionally, I sucked at choosing men. I owe her this time. I owe her so much.

But I'm empty. I'm lonely. I'm exhausted. Everything I have...every penny, every moment...goes into this home and these people. I have nothing of my own.

I miss my friends. I miss my time away. I miss going places and experiencing new things. I miss having a life of my own. I miss interacting with people my own age. I miss men. And after three and a half years of self-imposed celibacy, I can finally say this...........

I miss sex.

But I miss intimacy more.

I miss having a partner to share my burden. I miss having someone to lay beside me in bed and hold me when I've had a rough day. I miss snuggling on the couch and watching a movie or sitting on the patio and watching the sun set. Someone to talk to and laugh with and make love to by candlelight...

So I sit here, flat broke and worried about how I'm going to pay the bills that my paycheck [I get paid as a home healthcare worker to care for my mom] didn't cover, unable to even afford to fill my gas tank or even get the oil change my Explorer so desperately needs, and having absolutely no idea how to get back even a little bit of the life I miss so much.

My greatest fear? That it will always stay this way. That, even after my mother's passed away and my children have moved out to start their own lives, I will still be like this. I will still be alone...until the day I die.

Gawd, I'm depressing.