I almost made a big mistake today.
I almost became the very thing I've always abhored...that lowliest of creatures...the very thing that repeatedly broke my heart and left me so battle-scarred and road-weary that I gave up completely for the past eight years.
I was almost "The Other Woman".
How stupid was I...and how desperate to be wanted...that I even allowed myself to get to the point where I was a mere breathe away from doing something so heinous that I can barely find words to fit it?
For a moment there, I wasn't a person anymore. I was a PEOPLE. Hell, I even spent my evening last night readying my apartment for that moment...marinating steaks, mashing potatoes, dipping strawberries in chocolate. I am such a crazy idiotic cunt.
Maybe I should just quit again.
I mean, what has it gotten me...this foray into the world of relationships, flirtations, and desire?
[lists what she's accomplished in the past month]
1. A brief romp through the land of FuckBuddies...where I sort of attempted to hook up with a co-worker who was stupid enough to say things like "You're looking so good today, girl! You're lucky I don't rape you right here in this parking lot!" and "Can I put my gun in your cockholster?"...and actually mean them. That came and went quickly...and I do mean quickly. It never even began before it was finished.
2. A couple of random nights with a guy who kind of blew my mind...and then, with very little fanfare or explanation, vanished from my life. He was just such a perfect fit for me. We both just needed a bit of training and a hell of a lot fewer trust issues. He would have been just right for me to...shall we say..."soil the sheets with" for a while. Hell...given my history...for a long, exhausting, imcredibly fucking barbaric while. There was a connection there on a primal level. I just wanted to tear him apart and lick the blood from my fingers and, judging from the bite marks he left on my inner thigh that are just now finally fading, he was pretty much having a similar thought about me. My biggest regret will always be that we never actually got to have sex. But then, if we had, I probably wouldn't be sitting here writing this. I would more than likely be spending most of my time handcuffed to something...with breaks for our work and meals and bathroom visits thrown in there of course. It's been so long since I've had that. And I've found over the years that it comes quite rarely. It was just what I needed...for a moment...and then, it was gone. And. damn it, now I'm off on another tangent.
[puts down the pipe and steps away]
And 3. Ah, 3...An old friend who just popped back into my life and kind of threw me for a loop. This is exactly the kind of guy who, in a perfect world, I would have ended up with when I was young. Smart, funny, sweet, an incredibly loving father, an all around good guy. There was just one problem.
Why and how did I let it get to this point? This flirtation, carried on through text messages into and beyond an innocent lunch last week has quickly reached a fever pitch. Dirty talk interspersed with the small talk of every day life turned to picture messages that left pretty much nothing to the imagination which turned to a mutual plan to meet for lunch again today...this time in my house, a meticulously planned meal and whipped cream chilling in my fridge. Gods, I've escaped within an inch of my sanity. I can't believe I'm going to say what I'm about to say. It's going to come out sounding all wrong, like I'd wish harm on a kid or something, but that's just not the case. However, it still needs to be said.
I'm glad his son got hurt playing football.
When he texted asking if we could reschedule because he needed to pick up his kid, I read it and took a deep breathe. In that moment, in the cold harsh light of a late Arizona morning, I had a moment of complete and total clarity.
I don't know her. I've never met her nor laid eyes on her aside from a thumbnail picture on Facebook. But she exists...and, although he rarely mentions her and then only in passing...this is the first time I've really allowed myself to completely realize that she exists. She's the same girl that I was when people cheated on me. She's a younger girl [divorced men and dating young chicks...I'll never get over it] and probably nowhere near as jaded as I am.
I couldn't be the one who turned her into me.
She was this creamy young virgin sprawled upon the alter and I was the ancient, cold blooded nosferatu bent on giving her the curse of immortality. And it is a curse, make no mistake. It's long years alone and starving and aching for something that maybe isn't even out there anywhere; searching and searching for the one thing that you can't ever have...peace.
My teeth were on her throat., mere seconds from piercing her flesh. Oh, fuck. No way. I may be fucking broken, but I still have a spark of humanity in me somewhere. My inner Dale hasn't been put out of its misery just yet.
[for those who didn't catch that, it was a Walking Dead reference] Gods, I'm just so full of allegories today. And every story has to fucking have a damn moral, doesn't it?
Usually when I voice this next phrase, I'm saying it in annoyance at the damn possessive, overbearing, douche of a poodle that I inherited from my mother.
I am never getting laid again.
[bangs head on desk repeatedly]
Maybe I should just stop. I'm no motherfucking good at this shit.
Hell, I don't even know why I bother blogging this shit. No one reads it or comments on it anyway.