Dan727's blog: "mom"

  It was the wend. after the super bowl. I came home work and mom looked like a ghost to me. I remember her words to me that night that she needed to go to the hospital :( . The 1st few days they thought she was nuts that nothing was wrong with her except what was her exsisting conditions. A few days later they noticed they missed something on the x-rays and ordered ct scans. It took a couple of days to get the results one Dr said the mass in her neck was negitive the other said they didnt know. A few days later the lung Dr came in and started talking to my mom telling her that in his expert opinion  she now has cancer in her lungs and with her being at Copd stage 4 that to open her up and comfirm would prob kill her. The next words out of his mouth was telling my mom that she was dying ( which to my disbelief she took really well ). Telling my mom that in her condition that treatment may kill her or make her very ill and the low reward for such a high risk wouldnt be worth it. That it was time to look at other options such as hospice and palliative care. ( I knew when she went into the hosp. that she may never come back to the home we shared and i think she did too :( ) Family and freinds flocked to the hospital once told of this horrible news. My son serving in the U.S. Navy came home on emergancy leave to see his grandmother  before she died. My daughter brought her son who is about 9 months old with her and when my mom seen that baby she smiled for the 1st time in weeks it seemed like. My mom loved that little boy and this is the last grandkid my mom will ever see come into this world.

  At the beginning of March she went to palliative care at my sisters house my sister is a Rn we thought that was the best for my mother. the last few weeks have been as good as can be expected.  My mom is a very strong woman and watching her die before my eyes is one of the hardest things I have ever experienced. A week or so ago my mom meantioned to my sister that she can feel her meds are starting to stop working. We was told this would happen and that she would start to sleep more and more and the meds became less effective. Then yesterday (3-25-15) at work on lunch time My mom called me I could tell she was struggling to even breath a few words and she was out of breath. She was telling me how much pain she is in right now and that she thinks the end is near (she started crying at this time as I did ). Im staring to cry now thinking about it and writing this so i will stop for now and add more later as I said in the title of this Im not looking for your pity and anything this is me just writing to remember and share my experiences with a few close friends on here that I havent has time to chat with lately and the reasons why. 

May 8th was a hard day for the past couple of weeks there is talk of putting my mom in a home but to me that would be like dying in jail. I went and seen mom on the 8th i came home with tears in my eyes had angie call me (god i love you angie) i cried like a baby  on the phone about whats going on with my mom to her my whole world is crashing down around me and no one seems to care or give a fuck that i am hurting so bad inside over the thought of losing my mother.(except you angie ) Today ive needed you again tho (you havent been there i can understand u cant always b there for me i know but not even a text letting me know that hurts too ). Today on the 9th i went to see her again i cant watch my mom die i dont care how hard of a front i put up i guess i am always a mommas boy :) . Tomorrow is mothers day and i know when i go see her tears will be flowing and idk what i can do i feel so helpless ...................................

 on may 16th i went to c my mom i knew the end was near she couldnt talk at all hardly lift her head she couldnt even lift a cup of water to drink i 

so i knew she only had days left at most i was gonna get up this moring the 17th and go spend the day with her got a call at 7 am from my sister that my mom had passed during the night later i went to my sisters house and held my mom in my arms kissing her telling her how much i loved her b4 the funeral home came to pick her up it was the hardest thing i have ever did in my life letting my mom go also a special thanks to you the love of my life Angela for our talk and a special thanks to james miss cherry and rosey for all your support today i am very glad to have such great frinds on here i love you all 

the week after my mom died had to be the hardest week of my life i cried almost non stop for days on end i barely ate or slept i found out on the 18th that my mom had wrote us all letters after she got out of rehab in may of 2013 after we had almost lost her then she gave these letters to my brothers 2 weeks b4 she died i have read my letter prob 150 times or more since then it hasnt gotten any easier since thnen today is may 30th and i am still a basket case idk where to go what to do anymore all i want is to talk to one person and she really dont have that much time i guess i love you with all my heart Ang and i still cry over my mom and need you to lean on idk where we are anymore at all i sit here and think not only have i lost my mother but ive lost you too 

the funeral for my mom had a very nice turnout it was amazing to see how many peoples lifes my mom touched 2 of my sisters gave eulogys the thing that stick out in my mind about my sisters veronicas was sh said and i quote our mohter was our best friend our mentor out Psychologist she was also out detective when we lost something mom would guide us through all of ou last steps and lo and behold we would find that item but mom had one more power we would go to moms alot and of couse some of those times we need money and b4 we even asked she would say how much do you need? we would answer mom we havent even asked you yet. she would reply no but your gonna and we would pay mom back by doing her shopping cleaning her place or shoveling snow or bringing her lottery scratch offs :) her fav thing to do and what stick out in my sister micheles was she said in her letter mom wrote to her how horrible her copd was and no matter what she was gonna fight it to the end. her last day on this earth my mom still was doing her breathing and lung treatments it showed me how strong and determined my mom was to beat anything i know my mom is now pain free and suffering adn she is still with me but its so hard right now its still so raw and i hurt n cry for her .............