MadameBlack's blog: "Misc. Rantings of Me, yay"

have a finally found a guy that is perfect for me? way too early to decide of course, but I always speculate rather early. this guy is incredible! a true complete and utter gentleman! gentle, kind, innocent-like, and we seem to have SO much in common its almost a little scary! He's never even really dated a girl before, but then again I've never been ON a date before, lol. I wasnt attracted to him at all at first, but as I keep looking at him, there are certain things he does, ways he looks at me, that just make me melt. The first time we met I blew a tire on the way to checking something out with him, and he felt so bad, like it was his fault somehow, he made me take the money for it.... $120!! not to mention having paid for every meal so far, AND traveling over a half and hour to see me! I havent been this excited in a while now!!!!!!! :D

dont know what my problem is. I've forgotten what it is that I'm supposed to do. Everything in moderation and judicious decisions, and yet I seem to fuck myself over every time. I have an addiction and while it isnt a bad one, it fucks me over in the end. Cant stop, its practically a part of who I am. And yet.... I dont even know. I"m so lonely and I'm sick of being alone and unloved. I have no meaning without love, everything is pointless. See why I get so desperate for it? Shame is all I seem to have now, with a side of broken heart and a headache from beating myself up so for now my search for love has ended. if it happens it will come to me and I hope to god I will be more moderate and judicious in the future, and less eager and desperate. I'm just tired of rejection and people who want one thing and dont give much of a shit about anything else. Its all I'm good for in their eyes. I'm done looking. I've got to work on myself instead, something I had forgotten I hadnt finished doing.

this is SO WEIRD....... I was sitting downtown today, making jewelry like I tend to do, and at one point a rather good looking guy walks past and says hello and I say hello back. I get online later and post my mumm about not having dating options and should I continue to pursue or should I lay back and wait. this guy sends me a friend request on myspace and he looks familiar. Thought maybe I had talked to him before, or went to school with him. Looked over his page and seemed very very interesting and he was rather good looking. Sent him a message saying how interesting he seemed and we exchanged instant messenger ID's and come to find out.... he's the guy that walked past me!!! He didnt even realize it until we started talking and I mentioned jewelry making and going downtown!! fate is so DAMN WEIRD.............. seriously... just wonder now WHY fate has brought us together.... hmmmmm... he's got a kid... so hmmm..... and he's 30 which is usually above my age limit but hmmmm...... curious curious curious

so as you can see, I'm sad. I posted a personal ad on myspace, as i've done in the past, except for this time I got a TON of feedback.... it was like 5 guys every day for over a week! Now of course most of them were automatic rejections, but it was so nice getting all the attention! There were a few I had narrowed down to. One of which, Travis, I have already met and in fact we hang out quite frequently. He lives in town, yay, is very very sweet and affectionate, but I'm not at all attracted to him... rather redneck, at least in voice. He has been growing on me lately though, so he's not completely out of the picture, and has so far been a good friend The one I was MOST interested in was Brennon. He's in Richmond, so not toooo far, but not close either. He's drop dead gorgeous, beautiful, mesmerizing.... god... He was such a perfect gentleman too! Didnt say a damn thing about sex for at least a couple days, and we had very nice conversations, he thought I was very beautiful and things were seeming to go very well. We were planning on meeting ASAP and had things kinda planned out........ and then he didnt get online... didnt message me. I tried sending him a message on myspace, cause I kept seeing him online, but it was almost a week later when I finally got a message back saying something along the lines of... "sorry I havent talked, I've got a lot going on and a lot to think about. Think you're a wonderful person and I enjoy talking to you, but I dont know what else to say, I'm sorry" ................................ so I have no idea what that means, but it seems he's not ready or simply cant really be talking right now... I dont know, but I'm very sad about that Now the second best guy is James, in Lorton... which is waaaaaay far away in the Chesapeake area. He's very attractive too and very sweet, has started calling me his Evil Angel which I just find adorable, and we've had a lot of fun talking! But he started on a night shift and doesnt get much sleep at ALL, and so its been very rare now that I talk to him... only about once in a week, and that makes me very sad too! He was planning on coming here as well, ASAP, but I dont know how that would work now Then there was a backup dood that was nice and gentlemanly, but so far from the pics I didnt think he was attractive either.... he's Nick, aka golfer dood, lol. And he hasnt been online in about a week either!! in fact I havent even been getting responses lately, let alone anyone online to talk to! When a week ago I was fighting them off, literally! the thing is, when I send them messages on myspace, it says that they've read it, but then they dont message me back! :( makes me think its something with me again. My horrid love and devotion I give so quickly and freely that always seems to dig my grave. I really am trying very hard to be patient and just let things happen, but its so hard when you're so lonely, and I guess that's why I've been going to Travis a lot lately. The wonderful thing about him is that he's not emotionally attached... says it takes him a long time for that, and I'm not attached either... yet... and yet we can be all super cuddly, and hug and kiss and hold hands and be all cute, without worry about any of that. so I dont know. If anyone reads this, would you give me any kind of suggestions. I know there are 2345986345 reasons they arent as available or dont want to talk, but I dont know. Just makes me sad. Think I need some cleansing or something... redo my spell to attract people to me and maybe they'll come back but as for now, I'm going to bed, yay

so I'm going to start with the good stuff. Went on a date last night. gasp... "dating someone in Roanoke" you say. Aye. Nothing serious, in fact I may try to date a couple other guys too, just keeping things real light and fun. So far, this guy is so sweet though. Couple of things I'm unsure about, but at least I've found such a sweet loving guy already. Its nice to have the attention. But yes, for self-unexplained but perhaps more obvious reasons, once you know me, I had gotten a cramp in my neck during this date. Was just a little sore at first, but then by the time I was home and was going to bed, it hurt so bad I was just about in tears. Once I laid down it got worse. Couldnt sleep, just writhe in pain and cry. So eventually my dad met me nearby and took me to the hospital. Seems I had gotten a severe muscle spasm. So now I'm on valium and a pain reliever. Slept like a rock when I went back to my dad's place, but all my muscles are hurting a bit still, just not in the same places. so yes, this was my rather eventfull night

Not like anyone really cares, but yeah. I kinda missed this place, and serves me right for doing something sweet. Twas the right thing to do at the time, but that's all over now, and I'm here to have some fun again. So yey hugs for me