205490's blog: "memoirs of a painted lady"

i finally get to log on here again & get a message from the lc bodyguards or whatever the fuck theyre called saying that one of my default photos was deemed adult...and come to find out it was my bondage bettie page animation. wtf?! this is the same kind of big brother shit that is driving me away from myspace.errrrrrghhh

haven't been on much lately; i've been having a helluva time just logging in these days- keep getting an "active x" message or something to that effect...am waiting for my photog to deliver the finished products of my last shoot-so far the only one is my "fuck you very much" one finger salute. the proofs look alright & am getting anxious to get the final results, i'll post them when they come, so stay tuned!!!

see you off into the mid-morning sunlight it gets hot here in my neck of the ghetto we hug, we smile and bid one another adieu for now and tho we have talked about the past about our reasonings there is still so much left unsaid so many mixed messages which signal do i answer? why can't you answer my simplest of questions? why do you stare at the ground instead of into my eyes? do you not have the courage to tell me what it is you really want or is this how things should be? i am your friend, afterall and i'd rather have the truth good, bad, indifferent than nothing at all.

my hair still smells of bars and cigarettes i throw the filters on the floor it's the smoke that stings my throat not my screams that make it sore our electronic melodies come often more than not the freezer reeks of beam and coke and the ice that you had bought i cleaned up the old mattress so i would'nt see the stains so you would'nt find your way back here into my thoughts again the smudges on the mirror are gone i wiped off all the gel it harbored little secrets that my roots would never tell the baking soda made me laugh i remember how you gagged my smile felt like broken glass inside a ziplock bag my phone has no long distance for that nightly urge to call building walls with tears and sticks hoping you won't make them fall i never ate and always slept had meth for a best friend then turned on the computer to find you there again so, i lit up an old ciggarette and dressed myself in glue desperate to catch the helplessness that emitted off of you we started speaking patiently you wanted to check in on the batch of emptiness you dumped in me again i told you everything was fine we both had perfect health my hips still hug my favorite pants thanks to that studded belt you somehow seem to forget dates anniversaries and such and you say you're still a part of me but that's not saying much i collected your apologies and kept them in a box made by broken promises with a key that never locked i heard that you might love me and your feelings never stopped that anger stoked the words you spoke you're sorry, you forgot you say sometimes you think of me and the funny way i spoke you make love to my pictures and the love letters i wrote you know there's been another boy who likes to watch me sleep who captures everything i feel and holds me when i weep he writes me dorky cheesestick songs he says i'm just what he needs he'd rub my soreback every night just to wake up next to me he lets me think my thoughts of you sometimes he lets me cry he helps me deal with my regrets and never asks me why he does'nt sing me johnny cash or headbutt me at all he doesnt like to pull my hair he never calls me doll he does'nt take my breath away he has never sent me things but he tries to fix whats broken knowing all the hell it brings i've told you what he is to me that made your feelings hurt but he's into my interior not what's underneath my skirt you let me hear you cry that day it hurt so i let you be you said within a year from now you'd come chasing after me you did'nt know the time or place so you would'nt let me know you said your lips still smelled like me and you could'nt let that go you say that you cannot be with me but you like to play pretend sometimes you want me on top to fill me up again you don't want things to get fucked up your'e cautious and stay calm the risk of your significance lingers inbetween my palms you know i can no longer love you you've forced me to be numb yet, your'e the only one i call upon everytime i want to cum you let me hear your laughter sometimes you listen when i cry then we argue about problems but we're kinda giving it a try you said sometimes you hurt too much though i never thought enough you swore that you were second best so you quit and i gave up so now we're in the shadows kind of missing "you" and "me" and we're trying to hold onto any sense of normalcy i guess we have ourselves to blame --all a person has is time we never could spend ours that well but i was yours and you were mine so let's go back a chapter to the beginning of our book and fill in the empty spaces with chances we never took let's redo all the phone calls and all the talk of other men there were never any other broads that bathed inside your skin i'll always understand you if you never make me cry and i'll never ask you questions if you'll always tell me why i'll masturbate your ego if you hold me when i'm done i've let you have the best of me you're it, my only number one let's try not to exhaust ourselves grab the remote, press rewind & well make a stop at happiness yeah, the perfect-pretty kind....

A priest in a small rural town was very fond of the ten chickens and one handsome cock rooster he kept in a hen house behind the rectory. One Saturday night the priest discovered that the cock rooster was missing. At the same time the priest heard rumours of cockfights being held in town. Shocked and dismayed, he decided to say something during Sunday Mass. During Mass he asked the congregation, "Who among you will confess to sporting a handsome cock?" All the men stood up. "No, no," he said. "That's not what I mean. Who among you will confess to having seen a handsome cock?" All the women stood up. "Oh, no," he said. "That's not what I mean, either. Who among you will confess to having seen a cock that doesn't belong to you?" Half the women stood up. "Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen my cock?" All the choirboys stood up

decided to get drunk at home because in this state of mind im at, id prolly end up kickin someones ass & gettin locked up. some people suck big time & unfortunately enuf, they are related to me & theres nada i can do about it cept beat submission into some unwitting participant. so for karmas sake, im stayin in afterall...at leat there'll be no bail to post come morning. -btw did i mention how much i think people suck ass?!

You are Bettie Page

Girl next door with a wild streak You're a famous beauty - with unique look And the people like you are cultish about it

the smell of my clove cigarettes and the dribble of some alt-emo band wafting out my windows in a spiralling silver fog it melds with the sound of traffic here, in my slice of the ghetto where i find myself in the darkness all alone