My father has told me three things in life that I will take to the grave. Well, more, I'm sure, but whatever - number one, Believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see. number two, If you're forcing it, you're fucking it. and number three, Women aren't worth the trouble, just find a good, clean whore. Granted, he's been married three times and to the best of my knowledge none of them ended exactly amicably. My family is a bit fucked up when it comes to love and relationships, though. My grandfather has been married twice, the second time to his mistress of 30 years... my uncle's been married four or five times, and was rather permiscuous, and my father as well. but i will say this about my father. he may have cheated on his first wife, that's not in dispute... but the second, and my mother he was absolutely faithful to... and my mother... it's odd. she fucked around on him, at the end, only god knows how many times. it's funny... i've only heard the man use the 'love' word once in my life, and it was toward her a year after the divorce. -shrugs- i suppose it's in the blood. in the genetics. my father had his first wife, his second wife and his last wife... and hell, i won't even have my first wife... and not because... not because i'm against marriage. i am, on principle, but nonetheless. but because... hell, i don't know what's wrong with me... why everyone decides to bail in the end. and i do mean everyone. friend and lover alike. they all turn tail and run eventually. i suppose it's just the way the cookie crook crumbles... but now comes the question i've been pondering all day... should i really continue to try and find love? should i really continue to beat a dead horse and just accept that i'm fucked and damned to be alone like my father? hell if i know. i really am one inch away from just throwing my arms in the air, saying fuck it, and moving out to the woods and building a cabin to live like a proper hermit. just to concede defeat and accept that i'm going to be alone. it would be ... comforting, really. to know that there's no fucking hope. just to say to hell with it, and let go. to give up... it's freeing. liberating. and it sure as hell beats the other two options of being constantly hurt and ... well, settling on something i don't really want (long story) and death. truthfully, i'm not fond of the idea of death, of dying by my own hand. it's an interesting enough concept, and it'd be a fucking easy way out, but really - no. it's not my style. i'm too much of a glutton for punishment... to give up that completely. hell, i don't know. i really don't have a fucking clue anymore. i used to have hope. i used to be an idealist. i used to ... well, i used to not be so fucking jaded and bitter. i don't know... i used to be different. i've always been a bit... well, dark for want of a better word. i hate it. it sounds so cliche and tacky, like some annoying fucking goth fuck in high school vying for attention. but it's the only word that's coming to mind, and it's not as tacky as depressed. which, if we're talking psych 101, i'm either bipolar or major depression. whatever. fuck that noise. i'm me. that's all i'll ever be... i don't know. it doesn't matter. thank christ no one actually reads this shit. it's like having my own little diary... but i can't write in a diary, i don't have the patience. my brain moves too fast for my hand. my fingers can keep up, but my hand is too bloody slow. -shrugs- i don't know... i think i'm going to quit babbling like a fucking moron and shut the fuck up.
nine inch nails.and all that could have been.
breeze to carry the sound
maybe i'll disappear
tracks will fade in the snow
you won't find me here
ice is starting to form
ending what has begun
i am locked my head
with what i've done
i know you tried to rescue me
didn't let anyone get in
live with a taste of all that was
and all that could have been
please
take this
and run far away
far away from me
i am tainted
the two of us
were never meant to be
all these pieces
and promises and left-behinds
if only i could see
in my nothing
you meant everything
everything to me
gone
fading
everything
and all that
could have been
-could have been-
please
take this
and run far away
far as you can see
i am tainted
and happiness and piece of mind
were never meant for me
all these pieces
and promises and left-behinds
if only i could see
in my nothing
you meant everything
everything to me
nine inch nails.maybe just once.
i can't believe
that what i fear is finally happening to me
make it hurt
and point the finger at my insecurities
well i guess i just don't understand
about those complexities
in your mind
and i guess i just don't understand
why this world seems to unkind
maybe, maybe just once
i will get what's coming
maybe, maybe just once
i will get what's coming to me
so once again
the way you feel will never ever stay the same
and i'm to blame
i wonder just who made the rules up for this game
well i guess i just don't understand
about what you want and what you need
and i guess i just don't understand
about how, how this is how it has to be
maybe, maybe just once
i will get what's coming
maybe, maybe just once
i will get what's coming to me
so go ahead
you say those thousand things
you think you have to say
look at me and say 'love's' not such a hard word anyway
well how can you count on me
i thought you realised for sure
and how can you just believe
i thought i could serve a little more
but maybe, maybe just once
i will get what's coming
maybe, maybe just once
i will get what's coming to me
maybe, maybe just once
i will get what's coming
maybe, maybe just once
i will get what's coming to me
