So, today, as I've been thinking (which i often do)... I honestly don't know if I will ever get married again. It sucks so bad, seeing all of my friends, who are married, HAPPILY, and with the father of their children, and still, HAPPY...
I spent 6 years trying so hard to make my marriage work. And regardless of what bullshit he tries to say, I really tried HARD. There were times when I looked at him, and couldn't imagine loving anyone else, and then there were times I couldn't wait to get away. I can't say I didn't love him, and I can't say I don't, even now. But, that was the worst 6 of years of my life, yet the best times in my life happened during those 6 years. Watching the old videos we had of when I was pregnant with Lexi, and when Lexi was a baby... makes me miss those happy times... but then, you don't catch the bad times on video. (too bad, would have saved me time in jail)
But, last night, I sat there watching Adam sleep. And, I know I love him... I know he loves me. I am just, so, conflicted about my feelings with everything. Alexis has started calling him 'daddy' and I feel so bad. Because, its not my fault, and I dont know why she is. And I would kill some bitch if my daughter were calling her mommy. I mean, seriously, it would be bad... And, I want more than anything to marry Adam, and have kids with him, and spend the rest of my life with him, but sometimes i really question if that's how he feels about me... It's hard to explain, but sometimes i just feel so distant from him... and like, there are times he says and does things that hurt me to the point I want to cry... But, Nothing can compare to the hurt I've dealt with the past 6 years.... so it's like, it doesn't seem too bad when put into perspective, and when CHastine reminds me I'm over thinking things, because, I do over think things, quite often... She has saved me a lof of heart ache and drama...
And thats why she is my best friend, and I love her to pieces....
SO, i'm heading to bed. I have a long day tomorrow. And tash has a game. Chastine, I love you to pieces, and I don't know what I would do with out your cold sensible logic... I'd be lost...
And Adam, I would be lost with out you. You are my love and my life....
And Dennis.... you know, I love you dearly. Fuck off :D
