Tomorrow is my grandmother's funeral. I'm not going. I feel mom needs me more. She doesn't go to funerals and quite honestly, I'm not fond of them either. Who is? Today they had the final thing where you can view the body, finalize the obituary and whatever else is involved with a funeral. I took a cab to the funeral place with my cousins John and Jay. Dad was supposed to pick us up, but he got busy with something. When the cab came, mom was in tears. I walked to her, hugged her, kissed her on the forehead and told her I wouldn't be gone long.
Ironic that the last song I heard in the cab was "Lost Without You" by Robin Thicke. If you don't know the song, just look at the name of it to reflect how I was feeling. Yeah, the song is a hit and is very popular, so I guess I should've expected to hear it.
When I got there, I saw Dess standing in front of the room Dad was in having a conference with one of the people who works there. Joe and Mark were there also. Dad took us in the room to view the body. Jay and I stood there. I just stared at her from a bit of a distance, just imagining her voice in my head. Tears were streaming. Dess came in with some tissue for me, then stood next to Jay and hugged him. After a while, Jay left. I stood there a bit longer, bent down and kissed Mama on her cold forehead. God...I'm never gonna forget this feeling.
I walked out, and saw Dess again, and wrapped my arms around her and just took all my strength to keep it together enough that I didn't fall on the floor crying hysterically. Instead, it was just...sobbing to the point I couldn't breathe. I had to walk outside, where I stayed for about 15 minutes until I could keep it together enough to sit at the table with my brother and father and finalize the obituary.
It's gonna be rough for Mom tomorrow. I'm just gonna make sure she knows she has me there for her. I'm not going to the funeral. Gonna be here with her. That's the best I can do.
Take care everyone. *hugs all around* Love y'all
