HEAVNESSENCE's blog: "LOSS"

AS YOU ALL KNOW.. I WAS PLANNING TO EXIT FUBAR. BUT A FEW SIGNS WERE SENT MY WAY FROM HEAVEN TELLING ME I WAS NEEDED HERE ON FUBAR..I WAS SITTING BY MYSELF THIS MORNING DELETING PICS FROM MY ALBUMS AND WAS ABOUT TO DELETE MY IN LOVING MEMORY ALBUM WHEN AN ERROR MESSAGE CAME UP AND I WAS UNABLE TO DELETE IT.. AND THEN I FELT A BRUSH ON MY SHOULDER. I KNEW IT WAS MY SON.. HE CAME TO SEND ME A MESSAGE.. I JUST WASNT SURE WHAT IT WAS. LATER IN THE DAY. I GOT THIS MESSAGE FROM A WOMEN WHOM HAS BEEN ON MY FRIENDS LIST FOR A LITTLE WHILE BUT NEVER REALLY HAD A LOT OF CONTACT WITH UNTIL NOW.. SHE SAID PLEASE DON'T LEAVE.. I REALLY NEED SOMEONE TO TALK WITH.. THAT SHE HAD RECENTLY LOST HER 6 MONTH OLD AND WAS HAVING A HARD TIME WITH THE GRIEF AND REALLY NEEDED A FRIEND THAT UNDERSTOOD WHAT SHE WAS DEALING WITH.. THAT SHE HAS MANY FRIENDS THAT JUST CANT HELP HER THROUGH THIS AS THEY HAD NO IDEA HOW ..LOSS OF A CHILD FAR SURPASSES ANY LOSS OF A PARENT, FRIEND OR ANY OTHER FAMILY MEMBER AS WE EXPECT LOSS.. WE DONT EXPECT OUR CHILDREN TO PREDECEASE US.. AND WE HAVE THIS FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY THAT DEATH OF OUR CHILD JUST WONT HAPPEN TO US. SO WHEN IT DOES HAPPEN IT IS THE MOST DEVESTATING TIME.. YOU FEEL THAT THE FLOOR HAS BEEN REMOVED FROM UNDERNEATH YOU AND YOU HAVE FALLEN THOUSANDS OF FEET TO THE GROUND AND SHATTERED IN A MILLION PIECES.. YOU ARE DRIVEN TO A BRINK OF ALMOST INSANITY.. AND IT TAKES ALL OF YOUR STRENGTH TO HOLD ON.. YOU PLAY OVER AND OVER AGAIN THE LAST DAYS, YEAR, ECT. THE SILENCE THAT TAKES OVER YOUR HOME IS UNBEARABLE.. YOU CANT HEAR A SONG, COMMERCIAL ECT THAT DOESNT REMIND YOU OF THEM..AND THE LONGING AND MISSING TO HOLD THEM IS ABOUT THE WORST.. I STILL WISH I COULD HOLD MY LITTLE BOY.. AND I MAY SEEM OK.. BUT I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME PERSON I USED TO BE THAT PERSON DIED WITH MY SON..LAUGHTER IS FEW AND FAR BETWEEN.. I LIVE DAY TO DAY.. AND DO NOT THINK OR PLAN FOR THE FUTURE AS THINGS CAN CHANGE IN A BLINK OF AN EYE. I LIVE IN THE HERE AND NOW. AND I GO ON CAUSE I HAVE TO MY TIME HERE IS NOT DONE YET. HOW I MANAGED TO MAKE THIS FAR WITHOUT GOING INSANE OR TAKING MY LIFE WAS GOD.. GOD GAVE ME THE STRENGTH TO GO ON.. AND MY SON LETTING HIS PRESENCE KNOWN TO ME AND SENDING ME SIGNS HELP ME TO GET UP AND MOVE FORWARD.. I AM NOT OVER IT NOR WILL I EVER BE..THERE IS A PERMANENT HOLE IN MY HEART THAT CAN NEVER BE MEANDED.. BUT I AM IN A PLACE IN MY LIFE OF ACCEPTANCE.. I ACCEPT MY SONS DEATH AND BELIEVE AND KNOW THAT GOD HAD A PLAN AND EVEN THOUGH I MAY NOT LIKE THIS OR UNDERSTAND WHY GOD CHOSE TO CALL HOME MY CHILD. I DO KNOW THAT IT WAS NOT SOME KIND OF PUNISHMENT OR TEST.. I GOT THROUGH THE FIRST FEW MONTHS BY KEEPING BUSY. I WENT BACK TO WORK AND CREATED A MEMORIAL WEBPAGE FOR MY SON AND WOULD PUT HIS FAVORITE THINGS ON HIS PAGE. MUSIC ECT.. IT HELPED ME ALOT AND I WOULD POST BLOGS ECT. IT WAS MY OWN GRIEF THERAPY.I STILL HAVE SETBACKS. MY SON'S BIRTHDAY, HOLIDAYS, DATE OF DEATH IS ROUGH FOR ME TO GET THROUGH.. MY SON PASSED AT THE AGE OF 2 AND WOULD HAVE BEEN 6 ON AUG 15TH.. SO IN A FEW SHORT WEEKS I WILL HAVE A REALLY ROUGH DAY.. BUT WHAT I WILL DO SOMETHING IS HIS MEMORY ON THAT DAY TO HELP MY SELF GET THROUGH IT.. THE FIRST YEAR I BOUGHT A GIFT AND PUT IT IN HIS MEMORIAL CABINET WITH A CARD. THE 2ND YEAR I BOUGHT A MEMORIAL CANDLE AND BURNED IT ALL DAY ON HIS BIRTHDAY AND HIS ANNIVERSAY OF DEATH DATE..FOR CHRISTMAS EVERY YEAR WE BUY A NEW ORNAMENT THAT SAYS IN LOVING MEMORY AND THE YEAR AND HANG IT ON THE TREE..AND I USUALLY BUY AN IN LOVING MEMORY STAR IN ZACHARY'S NAME FROM HOSPICE AND THE MONEY GOES TO MAKE A WISH FOUNDATION..

Free file hosting from File Den! PLEASE-don't ask me if I'm over it yet? I'll never "be over it" PLEASE-don't tell me that he's in a better place. He isn't here. PLEASE-don't tell me you know how I feel. Unless you have lost a child, grandchild, sister, friend or parent. PLEASE-don't tell me to go on with my life. I'm still here, you'll notice PLEASE-don't tell me I'll feel better with time. Bereavement isn't a condition that "just clears it up" PLEASE-don't tell me "At least you had been able to see him grow up for some time" When would you choose for someone you love to die? PLEASE-don't tell me "At least you still have a brother and sister, or other children, or another parent." I live with the empty space in my heart every day. PLEASE-know that sometimes there is nothing that will help but a hug. PLEASE-don't try to say words of wisdom when there probably aren't any. PLEASE-just say you’re sorry. PLEASE-just say you remember the good and bad times with him. PLEASE-just let me talk as much as I want to, when I want to, not when you want me to.
Free file hosting from File Den! IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY SON ZACHARY (LITTLE ZEE) 2001-2003
I made this MySpace Music Player at MyFlashFetish.com.

Free file hosting from File Den! Zach is always with us..He watches over us and lets his presence known always.. If You Look at this photo you can see his face.. This Photo was taken 4 months after he passed away.. When I am down or things are just not going right in my life.. My Son lets his presence known and sends me signs That it will be ok.. He is Our Guardian.. and if it were not for my little guardian angel.. myself, his dad and baby sister would have gotten hurt on Oct 2005.. Hurricane Wilma Hit my area.. The original forecast was only a tropical storm.. so many counties only issued a voluntary evacuation and many employers made people work until that night which did not leave much time for evacuating.. As the storm approached it was realized that this was not hitting as a storm but as a CAT 1 Hurricane it was 6am in the morning and no time to evacuate.. the news issued the warning that it had shifted to a hurricane and to take cover.. I live in a Mobile Home and riding out a hurricane in a mobile Home is dangerous.. The news told people to stay put.. so we went to the back bedroom which was the safest.. so we thought as the storm hit.. I could feel my mobile Home shake.. but was not to bad.. there was a lull for a bout 15 mins and then the back end of the storm hit and it was even worse.. I could hear my roof start to tear back.. and by this time we were getting scared.. still in the safe room.. all of a sudden we heard the toy piano start to play..( it can not be played on its own.. the keys have to be keyed.. and twinkle twinkle little star was playing and would not stop playing.. it was Zachs Favorite song.. at that point a feeling of danger came over me and I knew it was a warning from zach to get out of that room.. just as we got out of that room.. The wall opened up..and everything in that room started to be thrown around.. WE were not hurt thanks to my little ZEE.. When things happen in our lives that may seem like a coincidence.. Don't assume it to be it just maybe your guardian watching over you.. and most likely its a lost loved one..