AS YOU ALL KNOW.. I WAS PLANNING TO EXIT FUBAR. BUT A FEW SIGNS WERE SENT MY WAY FROM HEAVEN TELLING ME I WAS NEEDED HERE ON FUBAR..I WAS SITTING BY MYSELF THIS MORNING DELETING PICS FROM MY ALBUMS AND WAS ABOUT TO DELETE MY IN LOVING MEMORY ALBUM WHEN AN ERROR MESSAGE CAME UP AND I WAS UNABLE TO DELETE IT.. AND THEN I FELT A BRUSH ON MY SHOULDER. I KNEW IT WAS MY SON.. HE CAME TO SEND ME A MESSAGE.. I JUST WASNT SURE WHAT IT WAS. LATER IN THE DAY. I GOT THIS MESSAGE FROM A WOMEN WHOM HAS BEEN ON MY FRIENDS LIST FOR A LITTLE WHILE BUT NEVER REALLY HAD A LOT OF CONTACT WITH UNTIL NOW.. SHE SAID PLEASE DON'T LEAVE.. I REALLY NEED SOMEONE TO TALK WITH.. THAT SHE HAD RECENTLY LOST HER 6 MONTH OLD AND WAS HAVING A HARD TIME WITH THE GRIEF AND REALLY NEEDED A FRIEND THAT UNDERSTOOD WHAT SHE WAS DEALING WITH.. THAT SHE HAS MANY FRIENDS THAT JUST CANT HELP HER THROUGH THIS AS THEY HAD NO IDEA HOW ..LOSS OF A CHILD FAR SURPASSES ANY LOSS OF A PARENT, FRIEND OR ANY OTHER FAMILY MEMBER AS WE EXPECT LOSS.. WE DONT EXPECT OUR CHILDREN TO PREDECEASE US.. AND WE HAVE THIS FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY THAT DEATH OF OUR CHILD JUST WONT HAPPEN TO US. SO WHEN IT DOES HAPPEN IT IS THE MOST DEVESTATING TIME.. YOU FEEL THAT THE FLOOR HAS BEEN REMOVED FROM UNDERNEATH YOU AND YOU HAVE FALLEN THOUSANDS OF FEET TO THE GROUND AND SHATTERED IN A MILLION PIECES.. YOU ARE DRIVEN TO A BRINK OF ALMOST INSANITY.. AND IT TAKES ALL OF YOUR STRENGTH TO HOLD ON.. YOU PLAY OVER AND OVER AGAIN THE LAST DAYS, YEAR, ECT. THE SILENCE THAT TAKES OVER YOUR HOME IS UNBEARABLE.. YOU CANT HEAR A SONG, COMMERCIAL ECT THAT DOESNT REMIND YOU OF THEM..AND THE LONGING AND MISSING TO HOLD THEM IS ABOUT THE WORST.. I STILL WISH I COULD HOLD MY LITTLE BOY.. AND I MAY SEEM OK.. BUT I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME PERSON I USED TO BE THAT PERSON DIED WITH MY SON..LAUGHTER IS FEW AND FAR BETWEEN.. I LIVE DAY TO DAY.. AND DO NOT THINK OR PLAN FOR THE FUTURE AS THINGS CAN CHANGE IN A BLINK OF AN EYE. I LIVE IN THE HERE AND NOW. AND I GO ON CAUSE I HAVE TO MY TIME HERE IS NOT DONE YET. HOW I MANAGED TO MAKE THIS FAR WITHOUT GOING INSANE OR TAKING MY LIFE WAS GOD.. GOD GAVE ME THE STRENGTH TO GO ON.. AND MY SON LETTING HIS PRESENCE KNOWN TO ME AND SENDING ME SIGNS HELP ME TO GET UP AND MOVE FORWARD.. I AM NOT OVER IT NOR WILL I EVER BE..THERE IS A PERMANENT HOLE IN MY HEART THAT CAN NEVER BE MEANDED.. BUT I AM IN A PLACE IN MY LIFE OF ACCEPTANCE.. I ACCEPT MY SONS DEATH AND BELIEVE AND KNOW THAT GOD HAD A PLAN AND EVEN THOUGH I MAY NOT LIKE THIS OR UNDERSTAND WHY GOD CHOSE TO CALL HOME MY CHILD. I DO KNOW THAT IT WAS NOT SOME KIND OF PUNISHMENT OR TEST.. I GOT THROUGH THE FIRST FEW MONTHS BY KEEPING BUSY. I WENT BACK TO WORK AND CREATED A MEMORIAL WEBPAGE FOR MY SON AND WOULD PUT HIS FAVORITE THINGS ON HIS PAGE. MUSIC ECT.. IT HELPED ME ALOT AND I WOULD POST BLOGS ECT. IT WAS MY OWN GRIEF THERAPY.I STILL HAVE SETBACKS. MY SON'S BIRTHDAY, HOLIDAYS, DATE OF DEATH IS ROUGH FOR ME TO GET THROUGH.. MY SON PASSED AT THE AGE OF 2 AND WOULD HAVE BEEN 6 ON AUG 15TH.. SO IN A FEW SHORT WEEKS I WILL HAVE A REALLY ROUGH DAY.. BUT WHAT I WILL DO SOMETHING IS HIS MEMORY ON THAT DAY TO HELP MY SELF GET THROUGH IT.. THE FIRST YEAR I BOUGHT A GIFT AND PUT IT IN HIS MEMORIAL CABINET WITH A CARD. THE 2ND YEAR I BOUGHT A MEMORIAL CANDLE AND BURNED IT ALL DAY ON HIS BIRTHDAY AND HIS ANNIVERSAY OF DEATH DATE..FOR CHRISTMAS EVERY YEAR WE BUY A NEW ORNAMENT THAT SAYS IN LOVING MEMORY AND THE YEAR AND HANG IT ON THE TREE..AND I USUALLY BUY AN IN LOVING MEMORY STAR IN ZACHARY'S NAME FROM HOSPICE AND THE MONEY GOES TO MAKE A WISH FOUNDATION..
