Raquel's blog: "looking in all the wrong places"

I've come to realize lately that while I may be confident I am afraid of being alone again. I am afraid of not having someone to share holidays with, and not having someone to hold me on a bad day. So I was willing in my stupidity to give up what could have been perfect. I was willing to just throw it away and think that I would never look back at it in disgust with myself. Well unfortunatly I look back at that one sentence I let come out of my mouth and wish to god there was a time machine that I could go back and change that one moment in my life. I could be truly happy if I just allowed myself to stop being so afraid of moving forward. Giving up on something that will probably never happen. I was the stupid one and I let the first good thing slip through my fingers. I like mens attention, I like the way they smell and the way their arms feel around my body. I like the way they talk, and listen, and make me laugh. What I don't like is when I feel like I'm being used by one or more. When I feel like my heart is being pulled in every direction it could possibably go into. I fear that I let it break and now I could never hope for it to go back to it's normal shape. I was so happy for awhile. I was almost blissful, and I let it go. I was to scared to be happy, thought things had to be tough on me. Thought how could I deserve to be this happy. So here I am I got out of work 4 hours early and I'm here on this not in anyones arms, not feeling anything but hurt. As it rises in my body, I push the tears back, I only want to be happy is that so much to ask anyone to be able to offer to me? If I can't be with you which I can't when will I ever find someone close to being as good as you were to me? Will I keep going back to guys that take me for granted? will I keep hurting myself just so that I'm not alone? I hate this part of me, the girly side that is so afraid of what life has to offer I stay where I know I should not be. I could of had it all but I let it slip away, out of fear.

I can live without you. The thing is that I don't want to. You don't see the others who want to be mine. You don't seem to see how much I want to be yours. Am I here just to be hurt? Am I here for myself anymore? Or is it that I have become so used to this. That I have trouble walking away? Guy 1 wants to take me out when I am free. Guy 2 wants to just be with me. Guy 3 knows about you, and dislikes what we are. Guy 4...well there is no guy 4. So what do I do. You are not going to be mine for so long. And knowing that I can live with out you, hurts. Knowing that I don't want to hurts even more. I don't seem to matter to you these days. I don't seem to rank on your list of importance. It seems that you are going East, while I want to go North. Our paths don't cross anymore, and I don't like that. Are you keeping me around so you are not so lonely? Are you keeping me around because you do see yourself with me in the future? Do you actually think about your future with me in it? Would you ever be the man I need you to be? I could be your girlfriend so eaisly I could be your everything in a heartbeat. but it seems that even with me giving you all that you want. I come out empty handed. I can live without you. But baby I don't want to. I don't want to not have you in my life. I don't want to think about what we could have been. I can't do this forever. And maybe you'll actually call me today. Maybe when you call me you'll tell me how much you've missed me. maybe when you call you'll ask me to come over. I can't put my life on hold for a maybe. I can't hurt myself over and over again. You don't seem to understand what a simple call would do for me. You don't seem to understand how much I miss us.

Maybe it's the fact that I am not controlling, that drives men to me. I don't care what you do as long as you are faithful to me. With my male friends they know I am pretty laid back, don't care what others think, and don't care when people fuck with me. I don't get girls who when they are with a guy don't allow that guy to be friends with ladies anymore. Is it that you fear he will leave you for me? Is it that when he thinks about me he smiles? Or is it just plain ol' jealousy? I'm not the jealous type anymore. My guy, we are just friends building a foundation knows he can talk to who ever he wants to, he knows I know his past is firmly there where it belongs in the past. I don't get bitchy with him for no reason, and I stay that way with my friends too. I love all of my friends. Some more than others, but I still love them all. I love when they text me late at night, I love knowing I'm on their minds sometimes. I like the fact that so many girls are terrified of letting their men hang with me because I know what boys like. I know guys want someone who will respect them for the man they are. they want a woman who will cook and clean, and change a tire. They want a women who is not too needy but just enough so they feel like they can "save" her at times. unfortunaly I am not needy in any way. Ok well maybe I need to be loved, and repected but beyond that I don't need much. I am a confident woman, overly at times, I don't care what people think about me which may set me apart from others. Girls tend to fear me, women tend to be friends with me. I guess this is because girls take time to learn that they can be relaxed and confident if they try, while women are always confident, even on PMS days we women are confident, and know their man will come home to them. Women know where they stand and honey if he is with you, which he is, why on earth would him talking to me and that is all we do is talk, be a threat to you? So to conclude I know what boys like, I know what guys want.

Maybe is a wonderful word, maybe if full of possibilities. It is an endless word. Maybe I'm too sweet for people. Maybe I'm too pretty for some girls to get along with. Maybe it drives you crazy how your man can look at me. Maybe it is in the sway of my hips, or how my body feels against theirs when they hug me goodbye. Maybe it's the way my hair falls, how I can make it curly or straight depending on my mood. Maybe it's that I know how to do my makeup. Maybe I am the worlds largest threat to girls. Maybe thoughts of me gets them through their day. It could be the way I smell, or the way I laugh, or is it how chill I am? Maybe it is all of these things that make me such a wanted person. I want lots in life, and I typically don't hold back until I get it. I'm one of those women who gets what she wants, I work hard and go for it. I'm am blunty honest at times, and that can hurt people deeply. Maybe it's in my imperfect teeth. Maybe it's in my imperfect body, that drives them to me, knowing how confident of a woman I am. Is confidence that sexy? I know humor is and being laid back, and not yelling, or taking life out on one another is. But could it be my confidence? Maybe it is the fact that I could give a man everything he wants, sex, food, a clean house, amazing love, crazy love at that. Maybe it's in my voice a mix between Jessica Rabbit, and a Tranie. Maybe it is that I say thankyou, and please, and appreciate the small things that so many women take for granted. Maybe it's just a maybe.

Meeting up with old friends is one of the joys of life I've come to find. My Prom Date and I went out last night to catch up after 7 years of not seeing each other. We had a blast after he got all the stories of the horrors he has had to see while on the job. He is an NYC Police Officer, has seen so many babies dead. The last one he took out of a mop bucket 8 months old, the boyfriend could not sleep so he killed his own flesh and blood. It is depressing, but it is part of the job. We talked for hours about his move, about how we were when we were younger. And how still after all this time how well we get along. I guess I'm saying that I have a new respect for the boys in blue, knowing what they really have to see on a daily basis.

Feeling depressed, finally feeling this loss. Want to feel numb, won't allow that to happen. Want you to call, and tell me it will be ok, I'm strong, and can handle seeing his family. Christ they were like my family as a little kid. I want to just go to a bar and drink until I can't walk, I want to do anything to take this pain away. I don't want to go, I don't want to stay, I just want him alive again. Why after so many years of not talking, not due to anything other than we ran in different circles does this pain hurt so much? I can't figure it out, I'm the strong one, I don't cry, I don't allow myself to anyway that is. I want your arms around me holding me up as the tears and the inability to take in air starts. I want you to hold me tighter than you ever have, and make me feel ok, well at least for a few minutes. I want this to be over, I want no deaths for at least 1 year. I want to make sense. I want to allow myself to cry. I want you to be there for me. I need you to be the friend to me that you say you are. I want you to call and find out how I am doing, find out if there is anything you can do to ease my pain. You are a man's, man and I know that being the role I need you to be right now is out of the question. I just need to cry.

On tuesday morning just after 1am my first Kiss, my first best friend died in a one car, car crash. He had finally gotten his life back in order stopped doing drugs, was dating a girl who had a level head on her shoulders. Was finally taking life seriously. I unfortunatly had not spoken to Mike in years, as we entered Highschool, he became popular and I did not. So we drifted apart, when ever we would run into each other we would always talk and laugh, and have a good time. I can't feel this yet, trying hard to allow myself to really swallow it whole, and feel it, but I can't. I hurt for his family, his parents are some of the best people in the world. His brother and sister are up there in awesome status too. So why at such a young age do we allow ourselves to drink and drive, or what ever the circumstances were, why are we so stupid at such a young age? I've seen death, I've looked him in the eye and said not yet. I've lived for others, and now I am living for myself. I will miss my friend dearly, and I will only remember the good. Michael Rosa you were one wonderful person.

Are you My Mr. Big? Am I your Carrie? Can we not break up and get back together. Over and over again to keep a story line fresh? If you are my Mr. Big. Will you eventually love your Carrie? Will you sell your vineyard in Nappa for me? Or would you stay there cold and alone? I've been Carrie for so long now. I've never had a Mr. Big. I've always wanted one. But you are so him at times it scares me. I being Carrie scream to be heard. I being Carrie allow the shit to float off of me. You being big, say what you want. And you will always be who you are. My Mr. Big would stay with me. You would punch the French guy. You would tell me you love me. My Mr. Big is better than John. I don't yell anymore. I don't carry on like Carrie anymore. I want nice things, I want you. I want to be seen and heard, and loved. This sounded better in my head, now it sounds cruel Almost like you did something to piss me off. When you did nothing, but be who you are. Can I deal with the deletion? Can I deal with you being you? Maybe I'm paranoid, maybe I'm too much like Carrie. Maybe I want it all. But I know I'm happy with you being my bonus. I'd always be happy with you that way.

If you asked I would answer If you needed me I would be there If you wanted me to be quiet I would If you needed me to hold you I would. If you only saw how much I care about you If you could understand how I feel If you would allow this feeling to penetrate your soul If you would call me sometimes. I could be your everything I would never let you down I hope you understand this I never say things I don't mean. If I told you I loved you it would be for real If I told you this will work, I would go to my grave trying I'm not your past...far from it I am your present I want you to see me for who I am. If you wanted me to come over I would If you wanted me to cook you dinner I would If you never wanted to see me again I would understand. If you would just let me in I would love that. I'm lost for things to say to you, to bring you to a better place. I'm not your girlfriend, just me, caught up in you. I want to be that word, but I wait, patiently at times. I want you to understand how much I feel for you.

I'd walk the line if you were mine. I'd make you shine if you were mine. I'd never let you fall if you were mine. I'd tell you how much you mean to me if you were mine. I'd hold you at night while you were in pain if you were mine. I'd make you cakes, and dinner, and breakfast everyday if you were mine. I'd sing you to sleep if you were mine. I could be all of these things and more if you were mine. I'd watch for shooting stars with you if you were mine. I'd buy the nicest sheets if you were mine. I'd remind you daily how special you are to me if you were mine. I'd call you mid-day just to say I love you...if you were mine. I'd walk that line every day of my life for you. I'd never falter, I'd never sway from it. I'd stay strong and staight on it. I'd walk the line if you were mine. I'm sure you would walk that line for me. I'm sure you would hold me at night if I were yours. You'd tell me you love me if I were yours. YOu'd tell me how much you need me if I were yours. YOu'd tell me how much you love my cooking if I were yours. We'd walk that line together, hand in hand, carring each others hearts in our hearts. Baby I'd walk the line, if you were mine.