The only time i seem to want to write in this thing is when i'm either tired or angry. Never when I'm happy. Oh well, i guess. Maybe this is therapy, like my journal is. I keep one to help me sleep. Though recently even that hasn't been helping. Sleep is restless and I wake more tired than when I went to bed.
The question could be why? Well, I don't have the gift of the written word, but I will try to convey this, if only for me. I am fairly certian that the few who read this will leave more confused than they came. Ha ha ha ha .....welcome to my world, ladies and gents.
I hate mediocrity, hate when we either put ourselves or are put into little niches that "fit." Mediocre is only the worst of the best and best of the worst. Such a lovely wide road.....but this road is in a valley. A deep valley and the sides are so steep that you can't get off this road. So I am pulled along by the crowd. And, if I should manage to pull myself above, or off to the side...and find some kind of artery leading off the main thoroughfare....I find that leaving of the main road is NOT welcome. Change something....? Oh heaven forbid!! No, no, no....I am told....don't leave the smooth road...it's not safe. "We love you, and don't want you to get hurt." And the worst part is, the biggest detractors are the ones supposedly closest to me. Sick, just sick. A spouse, a child, a parent, a best friend, a colleague. 'Clip those wings....stay on the ground.'
Or, even worse.....they come along under the guise of 'support'......and are dead weight on your back. The road off the beaten path is never smooth, girls and boys. It is always rocky, always full of peril. I must be flexible and nimble on my feet. But with a full pack on my back...well, the job just got harder. Especially if it's only a cinderblock I'm carrying....or, maybe a dwarf. Now there's a mental image for ya. Ha ha ha...
In any case, I've climbed for a while, but I'm so tired... And so I slide back down to the main road. This is not where I want to be, but I have this stupid pack on my back, anchor around my leg. So I'm looking up, to where I want and need to be. My heart aches. And I look around, at the masses just trotting by like cattle. Then I look at the pack next to me.....and attempt to reason with it. That is the most laughable part. I AM REASONING WITH A CINDERBLOCK??? Who knows, maybe it will morph into a horse and carry me up the mountain.
Now, any sane person would say to me..."Just leave the stupid thing there. If there's just a cinderblock in it, why even bring it along?" And you would be right. But I'm attached to this thing. So I must ask myself.....Do I try again with the pack?....do I leave it here and climb alone? Or do i sit here...and resign myself to being just like everyone else....average and miserable. Such a wonderful thought for the night.... (to be continued, i guess.......)
