As usual, my therapy is writing while I am mildly agitated. How ironic is it that after some major issues in my personal life, I find myself in love with a person who had been part of the issues in the first place. How nice. Also ironic is the fact that, as usual, when I turn towards this person, they are turning away. Am I destined to love someone who will never love me?? I feel the fool as I have always had to beg for the affection I need; yet this person gives affection freely to others. I long for the special words that give verbal indication of the importance in his world and he in mine. Those affirmations go to someone else. Why? I wish I had a fucking clue. Apparently, I am not worthy of positive thoughts or words or even affections. That sounds utterly self serving and pathetic. The soft underbelly of my emotions has been exposed; the part I never show to others. Yet now, here it is, wide open for all to see.
I hate focusing on the negative. Yes, I am not naive to the fact that negativity is rampant in this world. I am no Pollyanna, thank you very much. I simply choose to focus on a solution rather than a problem. Take for instance my current relational status. Pain has been administered by both parties. Feelings have been hurt and emotions bruised. In many ways, important parts of the psyche have gone dormant as a defense mechanism. NOT dead, as others would believe. For myself, I know certain areas of my emotional garden have gone dry and the plants wilted. Anyone who knows gardening, however, knows that with a bit of water and some fertilizer, those areas can bring forth ample fruit again. Yet someone seems to insist on sprinkling the area with salt. As angry as that makes me, I can't seem to find it in my heart to hate them. Does that make me stupid?
