Over the past week, I've been hunting down all of the 35mm hardcopy photographs of Mou's and my life together.
Found a lot - not just times Mou and I had, but times as well that Mou and her ex-husband and her family had as well - Scottish line dancing, trips to see her sisters and parents; school reunion pictures; child hood pictures, trips all over the world; so much more.
Incredible contrast.
Mou went to Europe and Russia many times, did the tourista thing as a student and later with her ex-husband. So did Mou and her family.
Me and Mou?
Hard to put into words. I showed Mou another side of life; camping, roughing it - the simple pleasures in life that had nothing to do with high society(?) I literally was/am her mountain man, showing and sharing with her a side of life that she'd never experienced before, which she deeply enjoyed - more, as she shared with me many times, than the times she'd had with her family and Andy doing the upper-class tourista bit.
Remembering the drive from New Jersey to San Francisco 14 years ago when she helped me move back to California; we went through the Mojave desert, where I had spent a good 80% of my first 10 years of life. Mou had never seen the Mojave before. As we drove, I pointed out to her the varigated-colored mountains, canyons; mesquite bushes, exposed stretches of ground - after about two hours of silence, Mou said "it's so barren! Now I see that side of you I couldn't see before".
We then spent the next few hours talking about that; me sharing with her how I could spend hours as a kid watching the scorpions, lizards, tarantulas, insects, kangaroo mice, birds, and coyotes not only living but thriving; how my paternal grandmother had absolute hissy-fits about me playing with the "bite-yous" -
Which four years later lead to Mou's deep deep enjoyment of our trip to Death Valley and her awareness and incredible pleasure at just how alive the desert really is - and as we discussed, her awareness, acceptance, and joy in of why I am so much a loner and anti-social. Paraphrasing Mou; "It's enabled you to see and participate in real life; and enable me to enjoy and participate in that too".
In later years, Mou told me that going to the wilderness, seeing Life and mountains and streams and woodlands and deserts had become far more enjoyable to her than going to Mardi Gras or London or anything else human-centric. I cannot even begin to express how much that means to me; and how much I regret not giving her more of that - I let "responsibilities" get in the way.
Looking at all the pictures, seeing Mou's incredible smile, it's obvious that she deeply enjoyed the side of life I shared with her - camping, going to amusement parks, traveling and sleeping in the back of the truck at rest stops and trucker yards; road trips through mountains or along the coast; Mount Shasta - stuff I liked doing because I didn't have the $$ to see those things in other countries -
Mou told me more times than I can count how much she enjoyed seeing and exploring the non-civilization side of the world; how much more she enjoyed that than touring all of the tourista places (London, Scotland, Paris, Lisbon) she'd gone to before I came into her life.
But there are regrets too.
In the last six weeks of her life, Mou wanted to go down to the ocean - and I was far too wrapped up in keeping my job to do that. It would have taken a lousy three hours, and I'd have had to stay up longer at night to do what was needed for the freeking job - and I didn't. WTF was I thinking about? That would have been another wonderful experience for both of us, and I denied her that.
Heh, I do know that regrets can become a trap spiraling down into depression, and that would not honor what Mou and I had at all, nor would that respect her wish for me to go on living life to the fullest.
I intellectually know she understood and didn't condemn me for that. Heh - tell my gut that.
I know the regret will pass; for I do value far far more the 14 incredible years Martha and I had together. I was smiling, and even laughing, far more while going through the photographs - and yes, there were several moments of deep grief as well.
I know too that regrets, if used in a healthy way, can improve ones life and being.
For me, the regrets have rearranged my priorities, which in turn does honor Mou. Meaning that my career is just a job; meaning that the tasks around here (other than getting bills paid on time) will get done when they get done; meaning my friends and fur-buddies are the most important to me.
Worst case scenario? I loose my job, can't find another one, have to sell the house (it's in fixer-upper condition) - and take my son up on his offer to live with him. I'd still have my son and his wife, my friends, and our fur-buddies. That is what is truly important.
Apathy is a big one too. Got a lot to clean up/sort through in the house, got the job/career to do, got to stay on top of bills and household stuff - just am not doing well with that at all. I know too I'm not honoring Mou's wishes and hopes about that; and I've no idea other than giving this as much time as it needs for me to snap out of it (or crawl out of it or whatever.)
Looking through the (probably) thousands of pictures over the last two weeks... Pics I took were focused on scenery; there are very few pictures of Mou in each place - though the few pictures I have of her in each place makes it very clear she was very happy, deeply enjoying herself. Wish I had taken more spontaneous pictures of Mou in each place we went.
Found her collage albums too, yesterday; went through them date-sequential - seeing her doubts, fears, hopes laid out chronologically is inexpressible; other than helping me realize just how much my coming into her life changed her life for the better. Seeing her process laid out chronologically like that - the doubts, fears, confusion, hope, self-questioning, realizations, acceptance, eagerness - an incredible reassuring gift to me; for I have wondered all too many times if I was really good for Mou. Between the pictures and the collages, I know at least intellectual that I was. Still - the gut/soul/heart have their doubts.
And that's the rub; there was so much more I could have done to give her happiness, serenity, enjoyment - and taking care of jobs, responsibilities with the house and yard, etc. took priority. Building the cabinets could have waited. Building the retaining walls could have waited. Time that I could have spent with Mou going places we both enjoyed and watching VHS/DVD movies together - but didn't, because I had my priorities absolutely wrong.
I know far too well I cannot get Mou back; that I cannot have our lives together all over again so that I could give her the attention, respect, and love I didn't give her because I was too wrapped up in "responsibilities" - and knowing that rips my gutd and soul and very being out - and what sucks more is that I know Mou understood and didn't push at all.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you have a partner/best friend/so - spend time with them enjoying things you both like together; make the time; maintenance of whatever can wait, dishes can wait, mowing the lawn can wait.
Yeah, fixing a crisis like a jammed garbage disposal or a water pipe leak or a exploded water heater have to be done Right Damned Now (TM) - but modernizing towel racks or getting a task for a career Done Just Right (TM) for the customers or sorting stuff to consolidate storage?
No.
Those things can wait -
Letting your loved one know just how much you DO love them, appreciate them, care for them; demonstrating that through actions, spending time with them - MAKING time for them -
Do it. Just DO it.
If you don't, then you will end up questioning yourself, seeing all the times you COULD have spent with your loved one and did not - and regretting (understatement) that.
Wolf
