Barbarella's blog: "Life"

2 weeks ago momma went for an mri, last monday, she found out that the tumor has spread throughout the left side of her brain and is now on its way into her brain stem. Her behaviour is still eratic, saturday she went for a walk and decided to cross 127 but she was seen just standing in the middle of the road with traffic whizzing by on both sides, I told her because the traffic is always so crazy she should cross at the crossing light, she didnt want to be told how to cross the road...

Things had been pretty peaceful until last week...on wednesday momma decides she is going to town and that shee is driving..I asked if she thought she should as the drs have told her that she wouldnt be able to drive ever again, she said they never said it...If she wants to wrap herself around a tree fine, she doesnt need to take innocents with her while she does it..

The family is obviously going to have to step in no matter how pissed off she gets. I threatened to call the cops on her today , she said she is going out this afternoon and got mad because I refused to ride with her...say a prayer people we need em

So yesterday was a good day, got lots of cards an sweet stuff...had a party at the clinic which went well. Momma got lots of cards and well wishes..We had a birthday party last week for my nephew who lives out of town, momma was sooo happy to see he and his daughter.. ate entirely too much which is par for the course at my bro's ...

this morning momma has spent a good amt of time outside as the weather is warm and the sun is out..guys are cleaning out the fence row and she has been keeping a watchful eye as ever.. its good to see her out puttering was relieved to learn that she has decided to keep her medicare was much worried she is making plans for the spring and lots of meetings etc.

Momma has had a good week, lots of company and getting out to do stuff...she has considered dropping her medicare, which I hope doesnt happen, she needs it so much to help her out. I guess she thinks because she wont be seeing drs for her cancer she doesnt need it at all... she is staying confused more and cant have a conversation without forgetting what she is trying to say... i know how frustrated she gets over it.

Things are not good, momma has decided after talking to the drs that she will no longer pursue treatment; she was told that it would not decrease the tumor size, only keep it from getting bigger. She is losing her memory, not eating well and staying sick alot. Its really hard to see her deteriorating this way. She continues to be in good spirits though and wants to do as much for herself as possible.

The stress is monumental but we are all just taking things a day at a time...

Last monday I went to see my neurologist, he had me come early since my seizures have increased and I was glad to have seen him. After explaining the symptoms I have been having, the itching in my hands and feet, and swelling, he said that it is caused by my increased stress; so he prescribed clozipam. My BP was up to 165/95, it usually is 120/70. I am checking into the med center at bowling green for tests, have to have 24/7 eeg and video surveillance. Ive never had to do this before so it will be interesting. Ive told the close family so they can check on momma. I went to spend the night with friends and she fell and couldnt get up, so she had to call my brother across the way to help her. So glad she wasnt hurt, but I guess I shouldnt feel bad, was only the second time since she was diagnosed that I have stayed away from home. Dunno what we are gonna do...

So last week was our annual family christmas breakfast... The day was cold, but nice out. Don came in around 6 and started cooking sausage, bacon  ham and had fixed a whole pork loin. Dave made biscuits and gravy and we had LOTS of other great food. Momma had made batches of her famous mulled cider and fruit salad. Almost 50 were in attendance, lower than usual, several of the out of towners couldnt make it in which took the head count down by several... Momma was feeling good and enjoyed the company, we are so thankful for all those who helped make the day a success. Everyone really had a good time visiting and taking lots of pictures.

I miss you, sooo much. You have always been my rock, the one that I look to for strength, peace of mind and the knowledge that all would be well in the end. I think about you every day wondering if you are all right, and also the family.. I wonder if I will ever see or hear from you again, I can only hope, and pray.. Sometimes, I can almost feel you here,beside me watching over me just as you always have through time...

If you were here, you would know just the right words to ease my mind. Things have been so hard and you knowing me so well, would know what is in my heart and how to deal with all the pain.

This past week has been a rollercoaster; very good things have happened and some not so good... On tuesday, I got to talk to my bff tashha for the first time in about 6 months...didnt get to chat but just a few, though she called me back on friday.. She told me all about baby Arlie Rain and how much she loves being a mother , doesnt surprise me at all. The baby is doing great, ceasar and cody have adapted well, which is good...finally got to see a new pic of baby on fb, such a cutie, i think she looks like tah but she says she looks like cody, heh. I know he is proud papa. It was so good to hear her voice, we have always kept in close touch but she doesnt have internet so its been kinda hard.

Thursday I did a classic thing, fell in the offic and my knee swelled up and bruised, its much better now thanks to ibuprofen and rest..I cant walk an chew bubblegum at the same time..LOL I apologised to amberee for having to do an 8 pg incident report...

Friday was mommas 76th bday..she had lots of company and recieved several cards in the mail, she enjoyed her day very much, I was glad.

Saturday bro. dave had a party for momma at his house with most of the family there...becca didnt make it had other plans hope to see her on thursday though... I spoke to dave about some things that had happened earlier in the week. Momma has always cooked with no prob. when she tried to make stuffing she forgot how too, but still made it best she could; it was barely edible.. she has been eating everything in sight also, having lots of sugar, which she rarely ate before. I think her meds now are affecting her appetite, she still worries about being fat...

I also discussed her results from the mri; while she had told me the tumor was gone, i found out it is still there and the radiation had little to no effect. dave & don had spoken to the drs to get the actual results.  It saddens me, her hearing and sight have both started to go now, and its hard to see her going downhill. what must be must be though i suppose.

On October 20, my best friend gave birth to a beautiful baby girl named Arli K. She weighed 7 lbs 7 ozs, was 19.5 inches long and was born at 6:40 p.m. I know Tasha and Cody are so blessed to have her in their lives and will be wonderful parents. I cant wait to go and see her!