Jenna's blog: "life"

Well a lot has happened in such a short amount of time. I'm no longer with my husband but I am now with a very special man with the same background as me as far as relationships goes. I can honestly say that everything that happened happened for a reason and it just wasn't men to be with Chad. Travis only time will tell.. but so far I like where things are heading and how slow things are going. almost as if everything fits just right like it was meant to be. ATM just waiting for school to start up and get bk in the swing of things.... cant wait to get this two yrs over with and work on the next 4yr degree.... want something work hard for it!!!!

I do believe in all the things that you see…. What comes is better, better than what came before!

But believing in all the things behind it?

Life has its own way of throwing you off course, turning you in different directions.

Pulling at the invisible threads that make up all the choices that you have yet to make! Not quit knowing what they are but knowing that it’s something that needs to be made into a plan, so that tomorrows ground isn’t uncertain. So that when you feel like nothing you do is worth a damn, you can look back and know that what you are doing is meant to help who you are, as a person, you got issues that have yet to be an issues that are. To deal with these you have to make a choice to cut a thread or let it stay where it is. Emotions run high, you feel like nothing is being done when you make a choice. Your breathing become erratic, your heart is racing like a stallion pounding hard enough that you can hear it. You body becomes numb with every breath you draw, knowing, anticipating that the choice your about to make is going to change your course or make your course. You take a deep breath; hold it for a just a second, exhale with a sigh of excursion, you know that what choice is to be made is something that you know is certain for tomorrows ground is to uncertain to you plant your own garden on the fact that you have the grace of a woman and not the grief of a child! The choice you make is one that will give you the seeds to help make this garden, to make it what you want, to make you who you are. Everything you see you start to believe in, because what does come IS better, ten times better than what came before! You make the choice to make your road the one you want to fallow, holding your head up high so that nothing will ever deter  you from making your own path. The path that you fallow is the one that you know you can change when you want to, something that will only make you who you are. Loving every minute of what choices you make is something that is so invigorating that you shine bright undeterred from hateful distractions. Make the choices that you know will make you!      

Richard "Dick" Clark

Died October  11th 2009 at age 75, from his long struggle with cancer. he went peacfully, in his sleep. he will be greatly missed, but always thought of, the fond memories that my husband has with him from childhood to the wonderful quartet singing with his friends. something I always enjoyed listening to when he did it, him and his friends mesmerized my oldest daughter as well. you always had someone to talk to about baseball or football in him.. big sport fanatic. you will be missed Dick and we will always think of you.

Yessterday was like deja vu from three yrs ago around this time, then on the 1st Nov it's all ended with crying an more crying. I got a call from my mother -law about her father my husbands grandfather, not doing so good!! Something we all knew was coming with the way he was deteriorating instead of getting better. his body is just too weak to hold himself up anymore, so hospice is gunna step in an help take care of him while my husbands grandmother get set up to go on dialysis because her kidneys are to small for her body. this is all to familiar with how my Grandfather was, hospice came to help out an one month later he was gone....IDK that this is the case with Dick, but know that having the same feeling over again isnt something I care for but it is unavoidable. it's numbing and I have to put on a show so that I dont disrupt my girls' way of life, I have to pretend that nothing is wrong, because my husband doesnt know yet, this will destroy him, his is very close to his grandfather. everything in his world b4 me and our girls was about his grandfather, they always did things together.

let me start off by saying that this is what happens when I get to thinking and that is has in no way mad me sad or unhappy, just the ramblings of my mind going into detail over every little thing or in this case one thing at a time. it's how part of my mind works to make sense of things. read if you will or brush it off as what you think of it. a little insight to how everything makes it's place in my world

one sure fire way to live; is to let everything fall into its place without thought. but having the ability to let it happen without a thought is a whole other plane, to know where exactly they should lay, doubting where they lay, pondering at what they mean to you as a whole. these little things that make up your existence in this massive world that you live. your every thought put out on a very wide table stretching as far as your eye can see. your every thought you've made in your mind, you see them lined up on the table into categories from most recent to the every first unconscious ramblings of a new born that you didn't even remember. you somehow know that everything you see needs to be in that place to make you who you are! but some part of you wants to sift through everything to make sure that, that's what you want in it's place. like you want to erase the bad things that you don't want to remember, but your stuck you cant move like you trying to scream in a nightmare but all that's pouring out of your mouth is a whisper; like your not even trying, you cant fathom the thought that your not hear what your thinking and you try harder to make it sound as it should. but your stuck with every inch of your body unwilling to move to make the adjustments that you feel are necessary; the changes that would possibly make you a better person in your mind. but no movement can be made your body forever frozen to your table unmoving unwilling to make the change you deem prudent for your future.

you begin to feel some kind of release when your able to move your arm in another manner not to change, but to over see everything laying on the table with the knowledge that nothing can be changed in any way shape or form. you begin to find the strength to over look the bad an realize that everything is as it should be, nothing can be changed, but it can be in a way that you can make things better for your self and others around you. you sift through all you thought was bad grimace at what you already knew was and laugh at the thing that had no consequence to feel in any way bad at all but let it go on the realization that if you thought it bad when it set its place in stone on this table before you; that it must have been bad at the time you thought it. your run your hands through the many thought that make you who you are, trying to make sense of everything and you cant help but wonder where it would lead you if you had the chance to wipe it clean and start over, with all new thoughts better thoughts. and then something happens to you in that instant; you thought nothing of when you ran your hand down this extraordinary table of thoughts until you reach it there all by it's self as if it had it's own place and nothing belonged on top of it or around it, waiting to have a companion to lay with in an empty slice of the beautiful table. you reach for it unknowingly and gasp at the long forgotten memory you see there before you. extremely engulfed by it's power to pull you back in and see what you had long forgotten or place in a strategic place on that table. something you suppressed hard to forget about it until you reached that right time in your life to pull it from where it lays. your caught by it's lure; it's puling you toward it, with every fiber of your body you try to resist it's temptational pull. after a few minutes of struggle you give in, why now would I be pulled toward this if I could not handle it I wouldn't have been able to give in so quickly. you surrender to its draw and wait to argue with it. you reach the point where your over flushed with it's potency you gasp for are as if you need it so bad. you realize that whats being played is what you feared, something you never wanted to think of again, but necessary for you to be able to things in the right order. you grapple with the very flowing information trying to over come it with every second you have to relive it. and you come to realize that what you seen isn't all that bad, that what seen isn't what you thought it to be. how can something so small and insignificant make you feel so, exalting towards it. your fears were all for nothing then as if by chance that everything seemed OK the flow of emotions come crashing down like a tidal wave of horror, whipping you around in a excruciating manor that you thought that you couldnt possibly feel, dealing with this is something you knew you would fear, but like the person you are you embrace it with all its fury. letting everything drown out and listening to your body as it screams to breath with the onslaught of emotion. you feel as if there is some kind of release to be gained from this; so you let it take you to where you thought would be hell! but when you open your eyes you see something that you thought would not have been possible, you see your own kind of heaven, the one you dreamt wouldn't be possible without being unconscious. you take deep breath and slowly release it with an exhale of relief. eyes wide as if you didnt want to miss anything that your seeing, looking constantly at every little detail memorizing it, making room for it on you table with every thought that you are thinking, in awe that you could come up with such a place beautiful as it is. My place is made up of a green plush land with a field to my right and a waterfall to my left rainbow over head and plentiful living creacher's ranging in size a place where there is not fear only happiness and love; fill with laughter from the warming hearts of my daughters playing in the field, but you stare in awe as you feel the tidal wave dissipate behind you releasing you from it's treacherous grip. with the knowledge you now posses to see things clearer you turn back to the tidal wave as if to bow but you dont do anything. you fall to the ground and cry out with happiness that your fear was all for nothing that everything was in it's place and there WAS no changing it; it was changing you, with every unconscious thought that you had seen you realize that nothing is ever what it seams, and that life it's self is everything that you need to make it your own, the living is where your heart belongs and the thoughts that make that happen are everything that you are.

I've had to deal with quit a few of the tidal wave as I'm sure most of you have to, I just thought I would share my view on what they did to me and how I felt when they hit. it's not as good as if you lived one but it will make due. life IS what you make it so make what you want and never forget your table of thoughts. because some day it will help you realize that everything you are doing IS exactly what you wanted to do!!!

She's making the move from pre-school to Kindergarten this year, she graduates on the 12th. I've made her a dress this year, she's going to re-use her regalia from last year with two new designs an eagle and talons  already have the eagle on it just have to cut out some talons for the front, Jocelyn's sisters are going to be wearing similar dresses just w/o the shells, they all have the same designs on them just smaller versions hehe. they are going to support their sister and look just as cute. My baby girl is getting so big cant believe she's going to be in elementary school this year it came by so fast. next thing ya know I'ma be puttin AIrvee an Soraya through pre-school....UHG wawawawawa they need to stop growing... Iknow it will never happen

great grama pinky passed away April 20th 2009 in her home in bellingham washington she would have been 100 this month a few weeks shy of turning 100 she lived a long and happy life, my youngest daughter Soraya was last great grandchild to take a 5 generation picture with her. I will always remember the long talks an lectures on smoking and how its bad for my health. and when her husband use to pay 10 cents for a pack. in loving memory to our loveable Great Grandma Helmy Pinky we love an miss you always