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Weeping Willow's blog: "AVOIDING......"

created on 10/06/2006  |  http://fubar.com/avoiding/b10827
k, first off, i've been avoiding this whole blog thing because i have so much pent up bullshit and i'm afraid to let them out and open the flood gates... i'm really not an emotional person, not a girly-girl... i work very hard at my job and have many cuts and bruises to prove it, i am not sappy in any way, and i DO NOT lean on others for help or even guidance... generally i'm the one getting caught up in my friends problems trying to help fix them. better off not dealing with my own, right? RIGHT! well, my shit has built so high lately that i feel like running away, medicating myself to complete numbness, anything to AVOID DEALING WITH IT!!!! so, here's a brief rundown of what i'm talkin about... so, i have 3 beautiful kids, a 15 year old girl named Toni, and 2 boys 6 and 3 named Joshua and Tyler. my daughter was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder about 6 years ago because i discovered her in her bathroom cutting her face to shreds with a knife... since then she has been hospitalized numerous time, been through many many psychiatrists, and uncountable amounts of meds and combinations there of... she now weighs just about 315, gained mostly over an 18 month period because of the meds. the last 2 years have escalted to unimaginal rages where she has physically and mentally attacked me many times. although the physical attacks are very far and few between, thankfully! the mental attacks are increasing in frequency and severity, and i almost feel they are worse than the physical attacks! anyway, it's EVERYDAY now that she starts spewing her hatred and bullshit! i am fighting this completely alone now and really, REALLY don't know what the fuck to do anymore! the agency that has worked with her for the last several years has recently given up! THEY EVEN FUCKING LIED TO ME! told me that once again, they were changing her therapist... well, guess what?! the fucking therapist will not return my fucking calls and on top of that they said he would be working at Toni's school and i have asked multiple times and they haven't even heard of the man!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!!!! (see? now this is why i have tried avoiding this talking about all this shit, because now i'm all FUCKING upset!) any-fucking-way, now i have a daughter who is spewing lies to anyone and everyone about me saying i'm abusive to her and her brothers AND the pets! lol! and i'm an alcoholic and drug addict... like i have enough time or money to be any of these fucking things! she will call me a fucking whore and 2 seconds later say she never said that!!! she tries to tell me things i've said that i know i have not! like the other night she said i came into her room all drunk, woke her up and told her she was useless!!! i am going out of my fucking mind these days! i just don't know what to do anymore, i absolutely feel i am losing it... and on top of all that, she has these rages in front of her little brothers and the elder one is starting to treat me the same way telling me no! and ignoring me, saying mean things... won't be long before the youngest one begins this behavior either... and another really sucky thing is that there really isn't anyone in this area who can help in any way! i have tried so hard to get the help, even tried to start a support group and ended up dealing with all THEIR problems and watching THEIR kids so THEY could talk to other parents dealing with the same stuff! CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE THAT?!!! so, what the fuck to do now?! i am at a loss here, no damn clue whatsoever anymore... sick of asking for the help, sick of having people, teachers and counselors looking at me as if i'm the cause, sick of dealing with this bullshit alone. yes, i have friends, few friends because alot of people get a bit scared off or whatever by my life, but, hey we all have fuckin problems, who needs mine.... well, there it is and there you have it... i have spewed forth my bullshit... hmm, whatever...
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