MrHott's blog: "Life and Love"

Well, as a lot of you know, my girlfriend, Rhonda, was moving up here to Washington. She made it here safely on May 5th, 2008. It is going to be one of my greatest memories. She called me a lot while she was one the road to get here. And then when she was close, I was on the phone with her, giving the final directions to me. Then I ran to end of the driveway and was bouncing up & down as she was driving up the street. When she parked and got out of the car, I took her in my arms and gave her the most passionate kiss and held her close to me. I am as happy as I can be now that Rhonda, the love of my life, is here with me. I will tell you all about some more of our adventures soon. Right now, all I want to do, is be with her showing her and the rest of the world how much I am truly and madly in love with her. I love you, Rhonda!!!!

I had never before put much thought into getting married. But, with you it is completely different, I put A LOT of thought in to US and how we should show the world what TRUE LOVE really is. I never thought I could dream of what a wedding could be, but for you & me... it is all I can dream about! The thought of you in a gown so sweet, just waiting for me, to come to your eyes and meet. Exchanging vows of love, so sweet. For you my love I pledge for you.. ME! MY HEART, MY SOUL FOR YOU! FOR YOU MY LOVE IS UNEQUALED AND TRUE!

"I will show what the others cannot see, But you will see because you are here with me" Over the last few days, I have had a couple of songs running repeatedly through my head. Now as I tell you these songs... you will probably think I am a little crazy; And I am too. I am crazy in love with a wonderful woman, Rhonda. Never have I felt so alive with love before. THE SONGS: "Dance With Me" & "You Are The Woman" both by Firefall. (Yes I am showing my age some here) In fact, she told me the other day that she was looking at airfare to come see me. Talk about getting knocked off your rocker! I was (and still am) so happy to hear that she wants to come here to be with me, like a little vacation before she moves up here. So, we were looking into airfare together online that night. And I still have a hard time getting to sleep because I am so excited. And every morning when I hear her voice, I get even happier. Knowing also, that it is only a short trip for and soon she will be here permanently. And that I will be able to soon wake up to her voice, not on the phone but right here with me. It fills me with such joy I just want to explode (in a good way). The moment she steps off that plane, I am going to take her in my arms and hold her tight, kiss her deeply and tell her how much I love her... There is nothing in this world I would not give or do for her. She has brought me back to life and I cannot wait to begin to share all of mine with her. DAMN, soon is not soon enough. Love knows no boundaries and knows no distance. And I cannot wait for that distance to be gone forever and have her by my side until the end of time. Babe, I love you and soon is still not soon enough. But you know I will be here for you because I love you.

"It is not just the words that are said, but how they are said and why." There is several reasons I say this tonight, and I have felt it for many years now as well. I talk for hours on end with a very special woman that I have fallen madly and deeply in love with. There is a very strong and loving bond with us. We share our inner most feelings and fears as we have never shared with anyone before. Sometimes it is hard to find the right words to explain your feelings, sometimes it is not. But when you are trying to tell the one you love how much you love them... It is not just the words you say to them, but how you say them and why you say them the way you do. The love of my life, Rhonda, was sent a link to a blog posting tonight. It was about "Being Treated Well". And she then sent the link to me and asked me to read it, because when she did read it herself, she thought of me. The words he put down are very inspiring, and made me think all over again how much I love my Rhonda. I believe every word he wrote. I think it is a piece of writing everyone SHOULD read and try to live by. So, I guess what I am saying here is it was not JUST the words he wrote, but how and why he said them that make them beautiful and inspiring. I know how he got his inspiration and I have someone just like that (Rhonda) that I hold very close and dear to my heart. So I suggest that you take the time and also go read his very inspiring words... http://fubar.com/blog/182767/751272 I want to thank 3 people right now: Rhonda, the love of my life, for too many reasons to mention here. The author of the blog from the link above. And the person who inspired hime to writ that. Thank you all! And most importantly, Rhonda, I love you more than words can say, but I will tell you that I do everyday.

As my mind wanders... I try to look forward to all I have coming to me... A beautiful woman who loves me for who/what I am; a loving and doting daughter; a new family to come out of it all. But, I am still overwhelmed. Certainly by not any of them. I am consumed by feelings of guilt, rage, bitterness, cynicism, FEAR, and doubt. The doubt is within myself, the fear that I am not who I think I am and the fear grows. I am in total love with a very wonderful woman, but yet I fear I cannot live up to be the man she fell in love with... There is a horrible monster inside of me, A monster I am not sure I can control. I want to and need to give her all of me, in the best of intentions, the man she fell in love with; but what happens when I fall short of that. I am so afraid of the bad side of me coming to bear again. There is so much I want to hide and yet I need to let it go. I am forever lost in an abyss. I want to be free of that monster... but I have no idea when IT will show or how. [***MONSTER*** = Fear/Bitterness/Anger/Cynicism/Rage] I love her deeply and do not want to be without her. I do not want her to see the part of me I try to hide. But... I cannot keep any of it away. I feel so lost. I am lost in her love for me and at the same time I am lost in trying not to be the man I used to be... ( it will make sense... someday). I fear nothing in this world more than I fear myself. What if...? What if...? What if...? Questions I am afraid to ask because i am afraid of the answer.... What if? For her: (she knows) What if I cannot be the man you fell in love with? What if I cannot control my anger? What if I am NOT what you expected me to be? What if? What if? I am more afraid of me than I am of being with you... What if ... I am not what you need? For fear of life itself, I am in turmoil. I love her very much, but what if she don't NEED me? Simply a question of fear and doubt within myself... There is no fear or doubt that I love her and want to be with her. My doubt is in myself and whether or not I can be the man of her dreams... Confusion and love surround me.. I am lost in her and hope she cannot go on without me... Hunny, I love you! Help me please!!!

It was only a few short weeks ago that I thought life was going to just keep falling apart. I was sure that I would stay and angry, bitter and cynical man. But then something wonderful happened to me. When I truly needed a friend and thought I had no one, she walked into my life. She saw that I was hurting and wanted to see that I was alright. Well, as the days and weeks have passed, we have grown ever closer and falling deeply in love with each other. She has brought out in me the qualities that I thought were lost from many years of pain and anguish. With her I have been able to open up and share things I have kept bottled inside for almost 2 decades. My fear of being alone is now gone and has been replaced with an eternal flame of love. I have never met a more caring and loving woman in all my life. I am constantly amazed at her kindness and concern and love for me on a daily basis, and fall even more in love with her everyday and all over again when I see her and hear her voice. It won't be too long before we are in each others arms. It is a moment I dream of every second of the day. A new life is about to begin for the both of us. The love of which this new life was born will be something that I truly believe to be a destiny for the both of us and shall last a lifetime. With her, I am feeling a love and life that I have never felt before. She has pledged her love and devotion to me. To her, Rhonda, my pledge is to love you with all my heart and soul, to keep you safe in my arms, to make all your dreams come true. My dear Rhonda, I pledge my life to you.