MrHott's blog: "Life and Love"

As my mind wanders... I try to look forward to all I have coming to me... A beautiful woman who loves me for who/what I am; a loving and doting daughter; a new family to come out of it all. But, I am still overwhelmed. Certainly by not any of them. I am consumed by feelings of guilt, rage, bitterness, cynicism, FEAR, and doubt. The doubt is within myself, the fear that I am not who I think I am and the fear grows. I am in total love with a very wonderful woman, but yet I fear I cannot live up to be the man she fell in love with... There is a horrible monster inside of me, A monster I am not sure I can control. I want to and need to give her all of me, in the best of intentions, the man she fell in love with; but what happens when I fall short of that. I am so afraid of the bad side of me coming to bear again. There is so much I want to hide and yet I need to let it go. I am forever lost in an abyss. I want to be free of that monster... but I have no idea when IT will show or how. [***MONSTER*** = Fear/Bitterness/Anger/Cynicism/Rage] I love her deeply and do not want to be without her. I do not want her to see the part of me I try to hide. But... I cannot keep any of it away. I feel so lost. I am lost in her love for me and at the same time I am lost in trying not to be the man I used to be... ( it will make sense... someday). I fear nothing in this world more than I fear myself. What if...? What if...? What if...? Questions I am afraid to ask because i am afraid of the answer.... What if? For her: (she knows) What if I cannot be the man you fell in love with? What if I cannot control my anger? What if I am NOT what you expected me to be? What if? What if? I am more afraid of me than I am of being with you... What if ... I am not what you need? For fear of life itself, I am in turmoil. I love her very much, but what if she don't NEED me? Simply a question of fear and doubt within myself... There is no fear or doubt that I love her and want to be with her. My doubt is in myself and whether or not I can be the man of her dreams... Confusion and love surround me.. I am lost in her and hope she cannot go on without me... Hunny, I love you! Help me please!!!