The art of communication is a difficult one, at best, to develop, apply, and coerce into action. The fact that language is arbitrary, and words are subject to a myriad of interpretations based on personal experience leaves a huge chasm to cross when writing, talking and interacting with others. A simple example of this would be the word pizza. For most, it evokes a comforting dining experience of warm crust, melted cheeses, and assorted toppings that leave the diner wanting more. For others, it is a disaster for the diet, and yet others, might conjure up a bad beer night that ended with several hours over the toilet. For several years, I couldn't even stomach the smell of pizza, because I associated it with a bout of food poisoning that left me wanting to die for a week. So, when we attempt to "understand" what others are communicating to us, it will always be bound up in associations that we attach to the words that they are offering to us. That in itself might make it tough to purchase clothing from a salesperson, negotiate for a home sale, or order breakfast eggs "over easy". But when it comes to the interpersonal communications that make up a close relationship, the chances for misinterpretation grow exponentialy.
It is most likely the single largest reason why the "give and take" and the "compromise" of relationships exist. It isn't that we aren't intent on creating an atmosphere of joy, trust, and love, but that we have so many ways to muck it up through misunderstood, poorly timed, or undelivered communications. Have you ever heard yourself exclaiming the "I told you I was going to..." or "I thought you said...?" The popularity of the phrase "Say what you do, and do what you say" is grounded somewhere in these misfires of elocution. So how are we supposed to deliver our best-intentioned terms of endearment to significant others without screwing it up? It takes a little work, an incredible amount of listening, careful thought, and a willingness to literally “face” that person that means so much to us.
It takes a little work. Now there’s a thought. Communication in a relationship takes work? Well, it certainly isn’t the backbreaking type of work required to move furniture (although that can be fun), but, yes, it takes all of those mental activities that are required of work. Focus, determination, commitment, and completion. The FOCUS of a conversation with another person should be that other person. It is difficult to “clear the slate” of our busy minds. The interruptions that can occur are amplified in today’s hectic schedules. Cell phones ringing, ipods humming, televisions blaring, microwaves beeping, kids screaming, that pile of laundry that needs attention, the dishwasher to be loaded…it is just too easy to find something else that is desirous of our attention. Two words: “screw them” for the time being. OK, granted, if little Johnny is suffering from a three-inch gash that requires immediate medical attention, that’s a bit difficult to ignore. If, however, any of these other activities can take priority over focusing on that person that we supposedly hold most dear to our hearts, and ourselves a little re-evaluation might be in order. All of this clutter in our lives will be there thirty minutes from now, a week from now, a month from now. But life is fleeting. Drop it all and focus on that person. Work at it for a brief moment, and, in a very short amount of time, it no longer seems like work. It becomes those shared moments that drew you to this wonderful person in the first place.
So now you have BOTH focused on each other and what you have to say. This is where the determination and commitment come into play. The determination is needed to make sure that nothing interrupts this time that you have now established. Because talking and sharing are, by nature, exploratory, if you have an egg timer running in the background, something isn’t right with the picture. Grant yourselves all the time you need to get deeply involved with each other. Who the hell knows where it will lead, but, in the past, there had to have been at least one night where the time just melted away. You looked up from each other, the sun was coming up, and you knew you had met someone special. I’ve got news for you. It is still that same special person that you saw the sun come up with! And the great thing is, this doesn’t require a beach, or an expensive hotel room, or a weekend getaway (although those are ALL terrific ideas). It just takes the committed sort of thinking and doing that sees the conversation through to its natural conclusion. It may only last ten minutes, it may last ten hours, but you will both know when you have arrived at that point.
Now the listening begins. You’ve eliminated the distractions (little Johnny is in the safe hands of the attending physician at the ER), you have each other’s undivided attention, and words begin to tumble out of your mouths. You’re talking to each other, not about bills, not about the warranty service schedule on the new Pathfinder, but about each other. What do you say? More importantly, what do you hear? If it is a senseless droning of blah, blah, blah… you’re NOT listening. I know this might be really hard to believe, but you have important personal shit to share with each other! And if you can’t communicate and share at this level, the rest of the day-to-day stuff isn’t going to be heard either, because if you’re not listening to what’s really important, you certainly aren’t going to give any priority to the mundane “memo” sort of communications. All the calendars, and all the PDA’s couldn’t put your listening skills together again! So you have cleared your slate, now, clear your mind. I’ll admit this isn’t an easy thing to do the first time you attempt it. You might even find yourself feeling a wee bit awkward, because you haven’t done this for so long. Just remember that silence is part of a conversation as well. Eventually, you will both start drilling, and tap into that spring of emotion and personality that you may have forgot existed.
By carefully listening to each other (you can start this talent by repeating what was said back to yourself quietly), the conversation will begin to pick up under it’s own volition. Laughing and smiling should also be used with reckless abandon! The comments “huh” and “just a minute” should be avoided like STD’s! Careful thought, or, being thoughtfully careful, will be a tremendous tool in regaining the listening skills you thought you had lost. Referring back to the opening paragraph about how difficult the art of communication is to begin with, it might suggest that not only listening to what someone else is saying, but also giving yourself the time to drink in the meaning for a moment or two could be a useful thing to do. Having someone tell me “I know what you mean” is the first clue that they don’t have a clue. If they really knew, they would be responding with some useful interpretation or reply, not being selfish with their understanding. Think of it as a math problem your solving in your head. If someone asks you for the answer to 576 divided by two, the first thing that goes through your mind is “oh, it IS an even number”, then you continue on with resolving the answer. This isn’t to imply that all conversation is going to require a solution, or a direct answer. Some may just take a smile in response to a comment. The point is to give it a little time to soak in, roll around in your gray matter, and make an impression. And those impressions that are lasting are what make this communication thing so wonderful!
And if you want to impress someone, smiling and eye contact are sure-fire winners. So, face each other when you talk. Now if the conversation has made it to the point where you’re delivering a fantastic back rub, you’re forgiven for not Seeing Eye to eye. But facial expressions, that whole unspoken body language in a conversation, are essential for truly understanding what your partner is saying and feeling. I’m hoping with that all the other distractions removed; that person is the only one you are looking at while you discover, and rediscover each other.
