Outlaw Knight's blog: "Just some of my poetry"

Tornadoes twist through my heart

As the wind make the windows shake

My tears are falling like the rain

In a storm filled with heart ache

The storm seems relentless

As my emotions flood through

I can only hold out hope

Tomorrow’s rainbow comes soon

Everyone looking in is blind

To the pain that lies within

The damage from the storms

Goes much further than the skin

Rising tides that are unseen

Corrode deeper than the shore

Scars from the rifts of time

Showcase the marks of my war

Tomorrow’s rainbow is far away

In the midst of the pouring rain

The winds drown out the sound

Of my screams of silent pain

The darkness of storm clouds

Is all I can see out the window

As I struggle to hold out hope

Of seeing tomorrow’s rainbow

I know the wind will die down

And the rain will fade away

That one day the sun will shine

Drying out my tears of decay

But until that time comes

While the winds still bellow

My heart will yearn to see

The hope of tomorrow’s rainbow

She hangs up the phone

A tear falls from her cheek

The man that she loves

Has a deadline to meet

He has to work late

And won't be home tonight

But deep down she knows

She can no longer deny

She pulls down her suitcase

And sees her wedding gown

Remembering their first kiss

After saying their vows

His kiss was like magic

Curing all her butterflies

Then she thinks of him

Looking into another's eyes

Too many lonely nights

And not enough love

She wants to find out

What life is made of

The world is a big place

And she wants to find

Somewhere that doesn't have

Too many lonely nights

She zips up her bag

And heads for the door

She stops and stares

At their house once more

And pulls from her finger

Her wedding ring

And then without thinking

Gives it one last fling

Steps Into Heaven

Yesterday is just a memory

And morning seems so far away

Tonight just doesn’t want to end

Like the tears rolling down my face

Nothing seems to make any sense

It doesn’t seem fair you’re gone

Even though it feels you’re still here

My heart aches here all alone

All I see is your beautiful face

Whenever I close my eyes

But knowing you’re not here

I just keep them shut tight

I feel lost without you here

‘Cause life doesn’t feel the same

The emptiness inside my heart

Just intensifies all my pain

The first steps up into heaven

Are stained with the salt of my tears

What I’d give for just one more night

To kiss you and hold you near

If the Lord above is willing

We will be meeting again

Because I will be taking

The first steps up into heaven

I know there’ll come a day

When my heart isn’t in pain

The nights won’t be so long

And the tears will slowly fade

For now my heart misses you

And I wish you weren’t gone

I’ll await the day of no more tears

And the pain of this life moves on

There is much debate concerning the topic of abortion

Whether it is a life or just some small unimportant protrusion

Some say that it cannot feel therefore it is not considered real

But I say don’t assume, when God says “I knew you before you were in the womb”

At eight weeks it already has his hands and his feet

Eyes are apparent those that will one day see their parent

It is not a lump, an object or a mass of insignificance

It is a human life that one day deserves to learn to dance

His hands have formed, hands that one day may perform

Perform a majestic melody, or perform a life saving surgery

He has already begun to move, ever so slightly in the womb

Moving a tiny finger, that one day he will use to touch his mother

But there are still those that would stand up and disagree

I say to you, at one point and time that was you, that was me

But what if the parents are just teens, what about them and their dreams

There is always another option, put the baby up for adoption

But what if the family has no money, can’t buy his food or clothing

I say things can change, you have seven more months to save

But what if it threatens the mother, she might lose her life

I say that is up to God, not you, not her and certainly not I

What about those who don’t believe in a God who created all things

The fact remains that at some point and time that was you, that was me

In a world filled with glass houses

Who will cast the first stone

Be careful where you aim

You could hit your own window

In a world filled with glass houses

Shattered glass lies on the floor

Careful where you cast judgment

It could be thrown at your door

In a world filled with mirrors

Just who is it you truly see

Do you see a painted face

Or do you see natural beauty

In a world filled with mirrors

How deep are you willing to go

Can you see past the surface

Do you dare look at your soul

In a world filled with voices

What is it that you hear

Do the words of others

Fall upon a deaf ear

In a world filled with voices

Is yours one that is heard

Do you speak what matters

Or are they just empty words

In a world filled with meaning

What matters the most to you

Are people reduced to things

Through your daily pursuits

In a world filled with meaning

How do you spend your time

Because what means the most

Is where your heart resides

Tear Stained Memories

With each tick of the clock

I’m reminded more of you

What should be distant memories

Still tear my heart in two

With each thought of you

I fall a lil deeper in

Life without you hurts too much

I don’t know where to begin

Everyone just says move on

Leave the painful memories

Just start all over again

It’ll be better eventually

But with each passing day

I stay lost inside my mind

My escape seems impossible

No matter how hard I try

These tear stained memories

Just can’t be washed away

No matter what I do

The pain just doesn’t fade

I tell myself to be strong

But letting go isn’t easy

Just can’t seem to forget

These tear stained memories

With each passing minute

I hope the pain will fade

Hoping somehow the sunrise

Will make it all go away

Maybe with each tear I wipe

It will be one less memory

And then all these thoughts

Will be forgotten eventually

Written 5/7/2011

Dear Heavenly Father

It’s a half past midnight

And I’m down on my knees

Oh dear heavenly Father

Won’t you take this storm from me

You know what I can bear

But sometimes I just don’t

I feel like I’m about to drown

Adrift out at sea all alone

Each day feels like a lifetime

Waiting for each minute to pass

Why can’t I just stop the tears

Falling like sands in an hour glass

I know that you are there

And that it isn’t you but me

So why can’t I just reach out

I’m so tired of feeling lonely

Oh dear heavenly Father

I am down on my knees

Why must you feel so distant

When it is you that I need

God won’t you hear my cries

Before I go any farther

Reach down and pull me up

Oh dear heavenly Father

I know that after the storm

A rainbow awaits me

I just have to draw upon you

Your grace, strength and mercy

In your arms I long to be

Away from all this in life

From my knees I reach out

Deliver me from my strife

Lay Me Down to Sleep

I never meant to hurt you

Is all you that you could say

Then you just turned around

And just slowly walked away

Hearing you say good-bye

Brought pain beyond compare

Thinking you’re not coming back

Is a pain I just can’t bare

The tears just keep falling

No matter what I do

With each lonely tear drop

I can only think of you

What could I have said or done

To have kept you here with me

This empty space you have left

Is killing me slowly

Now I lay me down to sleep

A broken heart is what I keep

On tear stained pillows

Is where my lonely mind goes

My tears fall without an end

My broken heart just won’t mend

The loss of you cuts so deep

As I lay me down to sleep

I lose a little more of you

With every tear I cry

As each tear drop falls down

A small piece of my heart dies

Without you here next to me

The nights seem to never end

I pray that with the sunrise

You’ll be here when I awaken

In honor of Mother's Day and my mother, I am posting this story I wrote about my mother some years ago. It was published in a book similar to "Chicken Soup for the Soul". Thank you Mom!

A Mother’s Undying Love

I can still remember the day my mother loaded me and my two sisters into the car. She was very excited and happy, and we were all wondering why. When one of us asked, she enthusiastically replied, “My hair is back” as she pulled off her wig. We were shocked when she did pull it off because it had been so long since we had seen her without one on. Due to her pride, she never allowed us to see her without it. Even though it was still what I would call “man” short, it was hers, and she was ecstatic. As we drove down the road, I watched my mother looking so proud and happy, and then noticed tears coming down her face. When one of us asked why she was crying, she replied, “I’m just so happy, baby, I’m just so happy!”

            It took a few years for me to really understand and appreciate what it was that had made her so happy that it would make her cry that day.

            It was years later when she told us that after having been diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time, the doctors had given her six months to live. She knew it would have been very difficult for us to take, much less understand completely. I know I could not imagine being told that I had a limited time here on earth, especially now that I have two beautiful children of my own. And I certainly cannot fathom the responsibility she took upon herself to carry the load like she did, taking care of three kids as a single mother and working a full-time job. Plus, she was not sure if she would be there the next day for us or not.

            But she never let on that she could not handle it or that she was as sick as she really was. Sure, we saw the fatigue that one gets while undergoing chemotherapy, and the getting sick. But she never once showed us a true weakness in her armor. She never complained in front of us or acted as though she wanted our pity.

            No, she stood strong and made it seem like chemotherapy was a fairly easy thing to manage, even though we all know better. At the time, we simply thought she was doing what any single mother should do, take care of us. What we did not realize was that she was dealing with so much more than the average person will ever have to endure in her/his lifetime.

            We did not see the pain and agony that the chemotherapy was causing to her body. She would not allow it. My mother just kept on living her life as she had before. A life of fun, love, courage and most importantly, one filled with God. She did not do these things to be tough; she did them out of the immense love she had for her three children and the faith that God would see her through it all. She knew we would be lost in this world without her and that we needed her to stick around and the good Lord did as well.

            She told us since her recovery that she drew a lot of her strength from us kids. I find that ironic, because looking back I can see that the strength and courage I have to this day is because of her.

            She showed us how to live our lives even in the face of adversity. That was to live life full of joy, happiness and full of the Lord Almighty. Many times I have told her that she is the “Wind Beneath My Wings”.

            She gave us so much love and showed us so much courage and strength that we can only hope  to have half the grace and composure she had, should any of us, God forbid, ever be placed in that same or similar circumstance.

            I also know now, looking back, what she meant when she said she was just so happy. It had nothing to do with her hair growing back, but with the fact that she was even still here with us.

            The happiness was also from the fact that she had made it through what the doctors had said she could not. She took great comfort in knowing that the dear Lord above had watched over her and answered her prayers to let her stay here on earth with her children. And I guess she was somewhat happy to have her hair back as well, but I know that she could have remained bald the rest of her life and it would not have mattered. She was with her kids and had God in her life and that was all she needed.

            This story is just an inkling of the type of person my mother is. I could fill a book with the things that my mother did for us kids out of love. There are no words or enough time or space to tell what she means to me and to others. She is truly a wonderful and unique person. She has never forgotten what gets us through this life, to keep God first and foremost and to love unconditionally. She has touched many lives with her loving ways, and I thank God each and every day that He blessed me with a woman as strong and courageous as He did to be my mother. I also thank Him for proving the doctors wrong who told her that she only had six months left.

            She has had to have one breast removed. The best news, though, is that she has been in remission for over fifteen years. I know that God looked down and saw just how much she loved us and how much she still had to share with us and everyone else she has come in contact with. He saw that we would later in life need her even more as time went on. She has proven to be as wonderful a grandmother as a mother. So He blessed us all in answering what were probably many prayers by letting her stay here on earth to continue blessing those around her and showing her kids how to love and live. Thank, Lord, for your blessings and for letting us keep what I truly believe to be one of Your angels here on earth.

***Update***

            A few years have passed since I wrote this story and had it published in a book called “From the Heart: Stories of Love and Friendship”. After 26 years of being in remission my mom was once again diagnosed with breast cancer. Once again the good Lord, her strength and the doctors have seen her though. She had to have her second breast removed, but is once again cancer free.

            The doctors still to this day when they look at her diagnosis from her second bout, have no idea how she survived. My mom simply points them up and acknowledges why she, and so many others around her, believe how she did. She is still the most courageous and loving person I know.

One more written over ten years ago...but thought women might like

Will She Find Her Prince

She dreams of a fairytale

As she sits in her room

With a knight in armor

To come to her rescue

He rides up on his horse

And calls her from below

She runs to see him

And climbs from her window

Will she find her prince

Outside of her dreams

Will he ever kiss her

And wake sleeping beauty

Cinderella had her slipper

Snow White had her kiss

And she keeps wondering

Will she ever find her prince

Her feet hit the ground

She runs to his side

As he pulls her up

They turn to the sunrise

And as they ride off

Comes a knock at the door

So she wakes from dreaming

To later dream some more