Dragonfairy's blog: "Its whatever"

Recently I turned 30 and I sat here looking back at my life and have started to realize that things keep repeating and going in what would look like a circle. I went from getting married very young and having kids to a failed marriage that had very sad last couple of years. I left with the notion that I would search deep within myself and figure out what I wanted out of life and what I needed from relationships in the future. Well before long I was tossed into another relationship that seemed to start off really great, all the things I had been missing for so long were available or so I thought. After two years of slowly loosing everything in my life to isolation and pain I finally stood up for myself and made a change. Couldn't of come any faster. And again I was looking into myself worried that I would never figure out what my needs and wants were and what was going to make me happy in the end. So I took sometime for myself alone away from a relationship (with some wonderful help from a great friend with benefits) and searched again. This time wanting to figure out me before I tried to be with anyone else but honestly the loneliness was getting to me. While the sex was being taken care of the other stuff you get from being with someone, loving someone was not really there. I got the mind set that what I needed was to make friends, meet people and get out there in the world and make some connections as I found myself. I did very well for a bit until things went hay wire and I had to take a step back and rethink what I was doing. I thankfully found not only a great outlet to figure things out but also a good group here locally that is more into the types of lifestyles that I am into. This would give me the chance to find like minded people and made someone who was more open minded and trust worthy. Then I met the guy who is currently my bf and while I was still dead set on just being friends at first the spark that hit right off the back was a nice feeling. Things start to go pretty fast but really great at the begin and there was a connection that I hadn't found with anyone else before. It was great, so we made a big choice and moved in together. Then things got rocky and the struggles of working and managing our new apartment started to stress us out. The passion and affection and sex started to become a distant memory of the past. Plus truths of the past started to come to surface and the trust issues were now in full play. How could I fall for someone who has a history of sneaking around and keeping in contact with all of his exes. Now this all got called out and he has worked on all that but the biggest problems are still at large. He goes up and down from being very affectionate and attentive to being very distant and just plain here. Basically the biggest problem is the level of affection and the amount of sex is almost not there at all. These are two huge things because of the fact that I am a highly affectionate person and a nympo so both of those are needed for a successful relationship. So I am trying to figure out what to do, we talk about it and things start to get better then go back down but I am honestly starting to think that the reason I am unable to be completely happy is that yes while he is open minded and willing to explore many things in the BDSM life style he is not as open as I am and there are some aspects of relationship situations that he is not willing to try. So I sit here with the mental list of who I am, what I want and need and while somethings are easy to compromise on others are not so much. But what do you do when the person you love and want to be with isn't as open as you are. How do you bring up subjects like that. I keep struggling everyday with what I am going to do cause I still feel the pain of a plain vanilla type relationship that my marriage was for almost 9 years and I can't do that again. Hmmm well for now things is my rant, comment if you want to but please remember this is my blog and you don't have to read it lo.

How is it that I finally felt as though I found what I wanted all along only to suddenly feel as though I woke up from a wonderful dream to realize nothing is as it seems. How am I suppose to give my heart up without a fight when everytime I turn around it feels as though it is being crushed into a million pieces? If given true trust, how is one suppose to be able to win it back after breaking the bond. How is it that you believe that you can lie to me, to my face and me not know the truth some how? I ask how? I am locked up in this spiraling confusing and can't find the way out. Why would you or how could you do this to me, to someone who gave their heart, their soul to you. Tell me why does it seem alright to tell me you love me and then go and tell someone else you love them, you would give anything to be with them. Well are you willing to give up me?

SO HERES THE DEAL: 20 QUESTIONS ABOUT ME. ANSWER THEM, SEND IT BACK TO ME IN PRIVATE MESSAGE ONLY!!!

I WILL BE GIVING OUT BLING TODAY TO WHO EVER GETS THEM ALL RIGHT UNTIL I RUN OUT.

1: WHERE AM I FROM ORIGINALLY?

2: MY FAVORITE COLOR?

3: WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP AM I IN AND WITH WHO?

4: NAME ONE SONG THATS SPECIAL TO ME.

5: HOW MANY KIDS DO I HAVE AND THEIR AGES?

6: NAME MY FAVORITE CANDY. (FIND IT IN MY PICS)

7: MUSIC IS MY LIFE....HOW MANY INSTRUMENTS DO I PLAY?

8: HOW MANY SONGS DO I HAVE IN MY COLLECTION?

9: WHO IS MY #1 FRIEND AND WHATS HER LOUNGE'S NAME?

10: NAME THE ONE THING I HATE THE MOST?

11:  NAME MY #1 IDOL?

12: FAVORITE TYPE OF FILMS?

13: MY BIRTHDAY?

14: MY RELIGION?

15: MY FUMAFIA NAME.

16: WHAT IS MY MAJOR IN COLLEGE?

17: MY FAVORITE POSITION

18: HOW DO WE KNOW EACH OTHER?

19: WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

20: NAME ONE TATTOO THAT I HAVE.

Ahhh sometimes I wonder what is the point of bringing down the walls of your heart and letting people in...... if all your going to do is worry and stress about everything and anything that comes around. Damn I must be messed up to be stressing myself about things that I have no control over, I mean I am always finding things about a relationship that could be wrong, naturally find faults. Man does that just ruin everything lol. What is the point of loving someone is you are always feeling that you cant completely trust them. I sit awake many of nite thinking about what could be, what might be happening and causing myself to go insane with all the possiblities of how things are going to turn out. Sometimes I start to think that maybe I should just close myself off and not care about anyone. It hurts to much the way I am stressing about the unknown......and I know its stupid, guess just the type of person I am, I like to know whats going. Sitting her listening to music most of the nite and my mind is overwhelmed with everything, most of the time I am just crying cause I dont know what to do anymore...... I really dont have anyone to talk to about everything, no one can be an outside view, everyone wants to give me the whole..."this is what you should do" I dont want you to tell me what to do, I just want someone to listen and understand why I have these concerns. But no one is like that I guess. Even the closest friends I have just tell me what to do. I am tired of it. Day by day it gets worse the thoughts become more and more and the truth is I find it so hard to trust anyone anymore. So many people have lied to me, so many have did what they said they wouldnt. I dont want to change people, you are who you are but I just wish for once I could find someone who was 100% completely open and honest with me.......but at last there is no such person, everyone bends all information to what they want others to view it as. -If you are reading this and you dont like what Im saying or think anything badly about me then just stop reading and go away..... this is my blog and a place where I can ramble on about stuff that dont make sense to anyone but me.- Two things in life that would make it so much easier to live.... 1. To know about everything the person you love does, not to be controling but to know what they are doing, saying, telling others. 2. To one day find someone I can trust completely....probably never gonna happen but hey Ive got wishful thinking lol. Anyways I think im about done bitching and having random thoughts to put down. I find writing is an easy way to get somethings out lol plus it doesnt talk back to you lol.

Okay so yea I sit her wide awake and it about 3:30am where I am at. If you must read then know I really dont give a shit whether you have a problem with what I say on my profile.

I can't sleep so in return I have decided to talk about some shit that has been bothering me a lot lately.

For starters: People need to stop asking me stupid questions that could easily be answered if you just read my freakin profile. come on how hard is it. I write there not only to give you all a good idea of what kind of person I am but also to stop wasting my time answering stupid questions. wanna get to know me look there first. I tend to update it on a regular bases.

As for the ones who do read my profile, asking me why I am a certain way or why do I choose to have such a lifestyle all I have to say to you is what does it matter to you what I do and with whom I do it with. I am who I am and I am not shy to express myself in whatever way I choose to.

DO NOT......I repeat DO NOT ask me to see my NSFW pics or to be in my family. That will right there get you kicked off my friends list. I choose who gets to see those pics and who is in my family. Be it either because they mean something to me or because I felt like being random and selecting a few people for the hell of it. Dont promise me stuff for allowing you to see my pics, for one I dont care about Bling/crushes/rates/being in your family or what not.

I randomly drop people off my friends list, if there is no reason to keep someone around then why keep them around. There are certain people who will always stay on my friends list even if they never talk to me but that is of my own choice.

I really dont care if you have NSFW pics, I probably wont look at them anyways.

My true friends have known me a good long while and those are the ones who never have to ask me if somethings wrong, my status is most just random stuff I put up there and if it is about something that is going on most likely I dont want to talk to you about it so stop asking.

I WILL NOT change my crush, that person means a lot to me and thats where it will stay.

I will be honest and straight forward with people and my family knows that, if I like talking to you I will make the effort to drop by and say something once in a while. If you jump in my sb and ask for stuff and you never talk to me forget it.

I am willing to help out good friends no matter what and do anything I can for them.

Lounges: I belong to a few lounges that I never go into. I havent been a big lounge goer for a long time. Use to be a Co-owner of a lounge that ended up closing cause of stupid people not doing what they were suppose to do. I bounce around once in a while to lounges but doesnt mean Im gonna join yours. I usually only jump into a lounge if one of my fav DJs are in there, other than that I tend to stay out of them.

I have some very twisted and unusual friends that I really like, if you dont like them thats okay your opinions are your own but dont expect me to not like them cause you think they are weird.

Ohhh which brings me to a point i got annoyed with the other day!

Yes I tell my true friends I love them cause duh I DO! Just because I say I love you doesnt mean I want to fuck you.

I keep my personal life off of fubar. I learned the hard way that the two things just dont work.

Yahoo: Yes I do have yahoo and if you ask for it I probably wont give it to you unless Ive known you for awhile. I use it to talk to real family and the few select people I actually talk to on a daily bases.

When I do have a cam, I only get on cam for family and only 10 selected people. Those people know who they are! So dont ask cause if you have to ask then your not one of them.

Well this is boring me now and Im really in need of some love, so off to find someone worth talking to.

Goodnite all!

LEAVE COMMENTS I LOVE READING WHAT PEOPLE HAVE TO SAY :D

Somedays there are ups and sometimes there are downs. When your heart belongs to someone else its hard to deal with the emotions that come and go. Sometimes you feel like your their one true love and they never want to live with out you....... then there are days when you realize your easy to replace and maybe your just another face in the crowd. Today is one of my down days, where I'm processing information and just dont feel special at all. I felt like I might be a little different then all the others. But maybe I'm not, maybe there is no reason for me to be separate from the others. I sit here crying and my heart aching over something that is stupid and small in comparing to everything else. But my heart has been hurt before, I've been told before that I stood above the rest and I ment more then the others. All lies in the end and I can not or will not put myself in a place where I am forgotten, not wanted or just not important enough to feel special. To more then the others, to be treated in certain way that makes me feel like I am true, I am your number one. Oh how simple words and names can make you feel as though your world is crumbling or maybe your just not special enough to be higher then the rest...........

So I'm sitting here late at nite and start thinking about why do I bother some times with dealing with the way things are always going to be. This world has created an image of what your suppose to look like, act like, be like and all around present yourself. Fit into a "norm" of society. But those who dont fit into the mold are looked at as weird, unusual, outcasts that dont belong. Just because our views on the world are different doesnt make them wrong. People take for granted the inner beauty of this world, and its people. I take in the good and bad of people and judge based on how they approach the world not by the way the deal with what the world has given them. Maybe Im wrong in somes eyes but i dont change my opinions for no one. The truth hurts but its better then living lies that make everything harder in the end. Well I guess I just needed a breather, some space to think and a good blog to vent. To those who are different, be what makes you happy and dont fall into the cookie cut image of what society, your peers or this world says you have to be. Shine like a star, very bright and in your own way.