It's remarkable how a single instant can change a person's entire way of thinking. I used to think I knew it all. Everyone does at some point. But it's usually at those times when we think we know it all that we actually know very little. When the realization of that fact finally hits us, it does so with an earth shattering BOOM.
And that happened to me this past May. All at once it hit me that, although I'd thought I'd been in love before, I truly never had. Although I'd always thought I knew exactly what I wanted, I had just been deluding myself...wallowing in fear of the reality of what I secretly wished for. The disappointment flooded into me as I saw that what I had wanted had been right in front of me at one time or another...and I had simply denied myself that. The implications of that were astounding. What if I'd wasted my only chance? What if, in my infinite stubborn stupidity, I had denied myself the very thing I needed?
I had never cared about riches or appearances. I had cared about fun...about what experiences something or someone could give me. But I mainly looked for what I could get in the 'now'.
In the blink of an eye, my entire view of things changed. Instead of seeking the immediate gratification I had always gotten from relationships, no matter how dysfunctional they turned out to be, I began to think in the long term. Instead of looking for someone I could party with now, I started to think of what it would be like to have someone I could grow old with, share my soul with, snuggle with as we watch a movie, travel with when the time comes, watch the sunset with as we rocked on the porch.
My entire view of life was changed. My religious beliefs came into focus and I felt ready to dedicate myself to something. And with that came the knowledge that I was capable of dedicating myself to so much more than just that. It was no longer just words to me. It was reality.
I am no longer the same person I used to be. I have been subtly altered. And I consider it a blessing that I've had this epiphany while I'm still relatively young enough to do something about it.
After nearly seven months of celibacy and soul searching, of introspection and realization, I open myself up to whatever comes my way. I succomb to what the gods have planned for me. And I pray it's not too late.
I'm waiting.....
