disclaimer: This blog is kinda long and jumps a bit and probably wont make much sense. i needed to write it to just get it out of my system.
Well, this saturday marks the 1 year anniversary of the day my dad died. Have i come to terms with this yet? no. Is it consuming all of my thoughts lately? yes. I know i'm not the first and certainly wont be the last person to loose a loved one they way i did. i dont expect special treatment because of it or even sympathy. death is a part of life. simple as that.
Last weekend i took a trip to Deep Creek Lake, MD to spend a weekend surrounded by some of the greatest people i know. They are my family. no blood ties (except between my brother jeff and i) but the bonds we all have run deep and strong. I got to sit and hang out and catch up and just talk to my friend Jim who i havent done that with in god knows how long. He used to be such a big part of who i am, but of course over time you drift apart because thats what life does to people. you get distracted and have families and kids and not to mention, we live on different 1/2s of the country. i seem to be drifting from what i really want to write about...
So, back on the topic at hand...my dad. i can't sit here and say i'm entirely sad that he is no longer with us. It took me a while to come to terms with his death and the new life i had in front of me. No longer would i have to be sure to be at home every night to give my dad dinner, or just be home to do things. i had freedom. i could go wherever and do whatever i wanted. at first it was strange. i always felt like i was forgetting something or had something to do that i wasnt doing.
Another thing is that our house felt so quiet and creepy. My dad was bed-ridden for something like 7 or 8 years so he basically watched tv 24 hours a day. Right there you have to say to yourself, which is better: quantity or quality? After he had been hospitalized i couldnt bear to be at home at all. i would leave a radio on in my room at night because i was sure i could hear people talking. I would wake up periodically thinking i heard someone walking around and knew i was just crazy.
When my dad died, it kinda turned my life into a tailspin i wasnt sure i would ever get out of. i wasnt sure how i would make it on my own. Granted, i had just gotten engaged to jeremy, but i was still freaking out about it. We worked on things and moved all of our plans around and made things work. and it all turned out for the better.
There are things that will still give me the urge to cry about my father. i can be watching caddyshack and just wanna break down. if i see anything with the blues brothers it makes me sad. When i went to maryland and saw the cherryblossoms i was heartbroken. those are just a few things my dad loved and it breaks my heart that he couldnt ever do anything that he loved. he laid in bed and watched life pass him by.
When asking myself the question of quality over quantity i wonder if my dad was a truly happy person? sure he joked and laughed and loved, but was it honest? was he happy laying in bed day after day and watching life happen from the outside. He was a man that loved baseball and sports and golfing and hiking and just all things like that.
i know he got gyped on the quantity part of his life. he wasn't even 60. But, how was the quality? i will never get answers to any questions i have. My dad was never an honest person with me, or anyone for that matter. He would never tell you directly that he was proud of you or that he loved you. I think in my entire life i heard him say he was proud of me a total of 10 times...and that he loved me none.
It hurts me that i cannot pinpoint one exact time that he told me he loved me. People always tell me he did and how much he did, but are they just saying that in order to comfort me? Did he really? Did he love any of us (my brothers and i)? Maybe this is one of the reasons i am sure to tell my son that i am so very proud of him and that i love him every chance i get. i want him to feel the power of love and to never have a doubt in his mind that he was loved by his mom.
The day after my dads wake my brother and i went out and purchased a tree to plant in his memory. I told myself when we planted it that if it made it, it would signify that my dad had moved on to a happier place where he can walk and run and play golf and be happy. If it died, i told myself that it would represent that he was unhappy with the way things turned out. i cant believe i honestly said this to myself. it seems so silly now. My tree has returned stronger than it was last year with tons of new leaves and buds all over it.
It now only represents a sense of peace and acceptance to me. It represents my new life with jeremy and dylan. Our relationship, like the tree, needed a chance to spread its roots and get cozy.
I figure i will always miss my dad and cry whenever i see a father daughter dance at a wedding. Maybe one day, it just wont hurt so bad to think that i got cheated. sure my dad was around for 25 years of my life, which is more than some get, but i lost him a very long time before he died. I got a taste of a great man who loved to be an active part of his childrens lives, and then it was ripped away. He couldnt cheer me on at sporting games or watch me graduate highschool. He was never able to hold my son in his arms either. I hope that broke his heart. I had hoped my son would give him the motivation he needed to get himself out of bed and into the world.
So, on this anniversary of the day he died, i will drink a shot of whiskey, drink an old style (go cubbies) and try not to cry doing it. This is a salute to him and the things he loved the most. I like to believe that he is smiling down on me saying "you're doin a great job baby". i miss him. plain and simple. my daddy was my hero. no one can ever replace him.
Thanks for the memories.
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