I belong to a great family of Aunts. Both my father and mother had only sisters to share with us. Two each. The four women are all different in their ways, from appetite to style, from humor to humility. But one thing they all have in common is that they all suffer from "favorite aunt" syndrome. And I don't use suffer lightly. Every time I go home, there seems to be some small kitchen sized war waged from one aunt on another about whom I love more, vice versa, and which aunt will get the honor of house-sitting next time I hit the road. The judging is determined by the Aunt force itself as they factor in which one of us remembered who's birthday and who received what, from fruit cake to phone calls, who keeps up with the websites and who knows the songs better, who changed who's diapers and who remembers the names of ex-girlfriends, etc. I remain quiet and let them duke it out as I myself judge the event always scoring it a tie. Maybe that's the problem in the kitchen. Everyone is forever competing in a tiebreaker of sorts and getting nowhere. Although in the circle we tread from stovetop to fridge, standing side by side at a sink full of suds, we acknowledge our sarcastic bickering as nothing short of a happy family who equally loves the others dearly, just as simply as we acknowledge that the dishes are done.
One of my Aunts is my champion for my Rooster collection. Every holiday or birthday I can count on a rooster related object arriving in the mail or under the tree depending on where I settle. My kitchen mantle displays a tin rooster-band. Three tall cluckers each with an instrument and a smile, flanked by other musically interested roosters and chickens watching the band with brazen intent. Outside in my garden you can find a variety of roosters made out of a wealth of materials, from recycled auto parts to aluminum to wood. Among them you..d find the tin rooster on the motorcycle with a smaller rooster in the sidecar who represent the zen mechanism in all of us and imply freedom through the power of imagination. You'd also find the Canadian flag rooster whose purpose is to cock-a-doodle a reminder of our political and geographical boundaries. I would like both a Christ and Krishna Rooster to remind us of our religious boundaries slash similarities. These would also bless my garden and provide abundance I think.
Anyway. My favorite story from my rooster loving Aunt, or "Ant" as it's actually pronounced in the south, might be one that merits a victory in the Favorite Aunt Competition. It is a story of love expressed like no other Aunt before her.
I was at a cookout a few years ago, sort of a family reunion as I was rarely getting home in those days. When I did manage to make time at home the whole family would gather to share in these gay times and I would take pictures with new nieces, nephews, cousins, estranged uncles and other random members of the family I had never met until this point in my life.
I was seated at a picnic table enjoying my saucy BBQ something as my Aunt snapped shots of nearly everyone taking turns sitting next to me like I was some sort of summery Santa Claus spreading joy in the form of Sloppy Joe kisses. After only a few of these shots I caught on and chimed in suggesting that I should have a cardboard cutout made of myself to make it easier for everyone, being as I'm not moving and all. No sooner than I had mentioned the idea of the life-sized duplicate my Aunt appeared from behind her film camera, "IF YOU DO, I WANT ONE. I'd put you in my living room right next to Dale Earnhardt."
Now if you know anything about southern culture, the NASCAR experience, or the general importance of auto-racing, you will know that this statement might just be the greatest compliment one human can receive from another. I mean this not in an entirely cynical way as humor is related to perspective. I mean this because I know what it means to my Aunt and how much I am loved by my Aunt and all Aunts alike and why I love them so much and keep going back for more.
Here are some other things i would do if I WERE a Cardboard Cutout..
..I'd run for President with Flat Stanley on my ticket, and then I'd be gay and marry Flat Stanley to help tear down outrageous marriage laws.
..I'd slide under the door of the girl's locker rooms to remind them to conserve water while brushing their teeth.
..I could probably read the newspaper without ever opening it.
..I'd be most curious as to how I was going to handle waste elimination.
..I would no longer attend Yoga class. Instead, I would go to Origami class.
..My wardrobe would probably include cardboard sleeves from Starbucks.
..I'd probably sound like a balloon or blade of grass when I sang.
..Rather than burial or cremation, when i kick it, I'd be recycled.
What would you do?
