S1K in the Head Parts's blog: "I Wish I Was Devious..."

constantly hear about how guys are incapable of expressing emotion. Maybe it's my contrary nature, but fuck that! You asked for it...

I am 25 years old, with a mind that fluctuates between a 5 year old's optimism, and 90 year old's crushing surety that all is wrong in this pathetic fucked up little world we live in.

I live in constant fear of myself. I have PTSD, whether or not any of you bastards care is none of my concern. I do. It's real. It's why I sleep little, and think too much.

I don't drink anymore. Drinking leads to time I can't remember, time I won't get back, and it led to a marriage I will always regret.

My only true pride in my life so far is a beautiful little blond girl with a knowing smile, and heart-breaking blue eyes. She has more value than could ever be equaled. She is my reason to get up every morning, to try to sleep each night, and to make it to work everyday whether or not I succeeded.

I have a passion, obsession, and fixation with eyes. They are the windows to a person's mind, and that is often overlooked by those looking everywhere else at a person. That mind is what fucks us up. That mind is what takes our hearts and crushes it without feeling. That mind is what I cannot get out of when I lay down and the lights are out. That mind is what it seems far too many are missing nowadays.

I don't think anyone has ever started a rumor about me. Not on Fu, and not in real life. No one knows that much about me that would. I keep it that way on purpose. I get on cam when I feel like it. I hang out in whatever lounge has my attention for the moment. I try my best to be civil at least to everyone I meet wherever I am. It's who I am. It's who gets shit on constantly in my day to day existence.

I have seen much in this world (and quite a bit on this Fu-world), that saddens me to no end. I have seen people coldly and callously reduce others to some mark for constant attempts at humiliation and disgrace. I have seen the worst of everything mankind has to offer. I have seen every reason to despise getting off of the plane coming home from a deployment.

I have been left. Consistently. And it hurts. Yeah, yeah, yeah, guys don't cry. What the fuck ever. YOU go to some foreign place where everyone hates you for where you're from, watch the news from where you ARE from telling you how shitty they think you are for being over there, and come "home" to an empty room and not a soul around that gives two shits. If you don't cry, you aren't human.

And I'm probably about to go do it all over again.

For you worthless bastards that can't even be bothered to just let other people be who they are without jealousy and envy and a million other petty things you seem to believe are CRITICAL to your pathetic existences.

To those out there who qualify (although I highly doubt you're even reading this): FUCK YOU. You lessen everything that makes a human being just that.

I have met a select group of people I truly refer to as my family. Many of them may or may not even like me/give two shits about me/and probably can't stand each other, but they are MY family, and I would gladly step up for any of them. And they know very well who they are. Every single one of them. I don't name names. They are unnecessary. If you aren't sure, then ask me. I'll be happy to let you know if you qualify. And if you never ask and don't know, then you aren't, because you never read down this far.

I love my family. I would gladly fight/die/kill for them.

Remember that.

And pay attention to who you fuck with. I pay a LOT more attention than I let on, and I have a large group of people that would join me in any cause, just because I know how the fuck to be nice.

Don't tempt me to be otherwise.

You will regret it only once.

P.S. Never say a guy never let you into his mind for a little bit. THIS is why we keep you out ;)