Subliminal's blog: "Subliminal Lies"

The Dresden Dolls . Thirty Whacks
thirty licks with the belt. same old tricks on myself. and i wonder does everyone else feel this way. succession of tests. a triumphant success. each time i'm still in tact. at the end of the day. thirty drops in the glass. keep my temper and pass. with my breath held, you bastards. you lucked out again. it's not really so bad. there's still mom. there's still damage to do. before they wrest the axe from my hands. it's no mystery. you should obviously go. before i break everything. you're always telling me. that you're dying to know. but you're not really listening. how do i manage to station myself in harm's way. and only get hit with a ticket for loitering. that i have no way to pay? and no strength to argue. my personal demons can scheme with professional. oh god they're after me. if i could shut them up. just for a second, i swear. i could stop this catastrophe. thirty day guarantee. but they can't have meant me. afterall, i was born in a childproof world. no sharp corners or glass. small objects or plastic bags, please. these death to a delicate girl. it's no mystery. you should obviously know. that i'll destroy everything. so don't go telling me that you're dying to know. 'cause you'll get what you're asking for. and i still managed to station myself in harm's way. and only get hit with a ticket for loitering. stating i'd come the wrong day. now the demons are screaming their wages unfair. i left a secret kept. if i could shut them up. just for a second, i swear. and it'd look like an accident. i could be decent yet. be magnificent. i could be president.

song is aptly true... even from a woman's perspective... but the line you're always telling me that you're dying to know, but you're not really listening. is where it's at.

but it raises an interesting sort of question... even if they would listen, would i open up to a goddamned soul? i haven't in my entire life. not once. of the thousands of people i've known? no, never told them the whole truth. they never knew me. i'd give them snippets, previews, but the shit in my head is best kept there under lock and key. part of it's because i know they'd fucking use it against me, because they have with the shrapnel i give them, and i've learned to give them even less. but that... well, it gets complicated and confusing.

i know, we should all take chances with every new person, because they're not the same. but... anymore? they're becoming carbon photostatic copies, and i can usually peg people into one of maybe ten archetypes. now, there's an exception to every rule. i know this. you know this, we all fucking know this... but the then we're drawn back to the actual question... would they even fucking listen? or would this ADD society let them listen for five minutes and then zone out? because it'd take longer than 5 minutes for me to really open up.

so, the truth of the matter is, i'm fucked and should just fuck off from everyone. at least in a personal sense... but, but, but... what if i do, and pass up the one? see... it's very complicated.

now... let's say... in this search for the one ... is there a point where one should just give the fuck up? because, eventually, the abuse and bullshit will become to painful to endure. to be honest. i don't want to deal with anymore of it. the dating, the breaking up, the being let down, the overall disappointment... can't deal with it. not right now, at least. oh, i try to act hard, that it doesn't hurt, but it fucking does. i kept my soul safe with my wall... but my heart? yeah, that bitch still gets hurt, and i don't know if i really want to deal with it. how's that for a catch 22?

-shrugs-

it's just interesting... so really. i don't know. should i give up and accept that i'm going to spend my life alone, or get a lot more of my happiness and heart torn away? because i do believe we lose a bit of ourselves with every relationship... at least, i do. because i'm a fool, and i give people my everything. it's just.... confusing and it is fucked and... i don't know if it's really worth the hassle.

is it? who the fuck knows? that's one of those questions like "Why the fuck are we here?" no one knows the answer... which i don't like. and i know, nothing can be known (ignore the contradiction)... but i'd like a good fucking idea, or theory. something to cling to, some small pissant piece of hope. some glimmer of the light at the end of the tunnel, and pray to fucking god it isn't the F Train.

yeah... i shouldn't have withdrawn after she left. not for two fucking years. but i thought i had to... now i'm completely out of the game, and more socially fucked than never ever before. which... i don't know. it doesn't really matter. none of this matters that damn much. we're born, we live, and we die. it's just that middle bit that's a pain in the ass, and has no answers. and it fucking sucks for a logical mind like mine. hell, i'm a con artist. in a way. i don't like going to a game without knowing the outcome. what to expect. some vague fucking idea would be nice... and the simpering morons telling me that it'll be okay, that i'll find the one, them... i just want to disembowel them and set their entrails on fire. they're fucking obnoxious. if i wanted to hear that bullshit, i'd ask for it. no, i want some answer with some evidence to back it up.

ah... and there comes the misanthropy. GO ME! -shrugs- it doesn't matter. to hell with it. i know i don't need anyone, but i'd like a warm body to hold...

y'know what else? it amuses me... i'm always the friend, never the lover... i could go into why, but who the hell wants to hear about how ugly i am? you can see my pictures. that's explanation enough. NONETHELESS... i find it humourous. these girls... women... always bitching about their boyfriends and how they can only get the jerks won't take a chance on me... i'm not as nice as i once was, sure. i've gotten bitter and a little jaded, but i'm still a damn sight better than the fuckers they end up with. so... it just makes me giggle. i have all the love and compassion in the world to give... and they don't want it, because evidently, they enjoy being treated like shit, beat, cheated on, whatever... -shrugs- that's life, i suppose. the way of the world, and what the fuck am i going to do? just sit back and watch them... and try to find the irony. i like irony. it makes me happy. it keeps me sane. it keeps me alive... that and the curiosity. curiosity is good. i like curiosity. i like to know things. i like to see things... most, solely out of curiosity. because i couldn't give a shit either way what someone looks like naked (solely as an example), i'm just curious. well, there are other reasons, and none of them perverse, but that's besides the point. i think i'm just going to shut the fuck up, eat some yogurt, and drink a bottle of drano.

KIDDING.

laterfuckers,

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