I dont know how much longer i can live like this.Waking up and not knowing what has happened and who i hurt.I cant keep dealing with the difficulty of living like this.It doesnt only affect me ,but also the people around me.I know I am a decent person,but in the end I alway turn in to the asshole.Its like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde every other day.I refference it in my mind Dr.Heywood and Mr.Hooker.I am not crying out for help,just an explanation,why my life must be this way?I have siblings that have no problem living life as it should be,but I am that lone black sheep.There are several good reasons in my life for a change,but then I cant find the courage to change what i should.Everytime I want to tell my cure to go away and never see me again,but i always leave a p.s. stating I'll be here tomorrow come find me.Im so lost and confused on everything.It seems to werk out so clearly for everyone else but me.If I could start all over again I would.I know everyone has their own problems and have to learn to deal with them,but this is something i cant deal with.I have tried and I cant.And Im sure when im sober again I'll find a way to delete this and try to hide it from everyone,but for now FUCK IT.Those that know me ,You know me and You know this,but Im trying to help myself.I just want to be normal for once.Well maybe not normal,but I just
want to live my life as me for one second.I'm falling to peices and I cant stop it.I cant hold on when I'm stretched so thin.Its all to much to take it.This isnt me and I dont know why I choose the life I do.No matter What I do I cant change the way I am.Its not just the addiction,its also the way I feel inside about my being and how life is.I dream of one day being a normal person with feelings that last longer than the course of one night.I have the mental capability to know that the way I live is wrong,but there is something there saying it is right and I dont know why.I want to change,but at the same time change is the last thing I want.I should change for my friends and family,but what they want me to change makes me unhappy.I have even found enjoyment in writing this.Which in its own sick way is great to me me.Its like a going away present to those of you that I loved.Although most everyone I have ever loved will never read this.And to me that is a shame,because most that do will pass judgement on me without really knowing the truth."Who are you to judge the life I live?I know Im not perfect-and I dont live to be,but before you start pointing fingers,make sure your hands are clean"(Robert Nesta Marley).With that said I hope that in some way this has let the ones I love and the ones that love me know that in some way this is the way it had to be......
