well I know maybe 2 of my friends might read this, but here goes....
it's 4:30 am on "thanks giving" and I cant help but be thankful that I don't have to sit here and think of things I'm thankful for because honestly I'm all tapped out of optimism. I'm having the fucking year of a lifetime when it comes to just trying to keep myself from jumping off the literal bridge (yeah I gave up proverbial last year) Right now, once again I sit and sigh and hate and cry and think what the hell to bother for. But ya know what in the end I can still say ,
this year I am thankful that I finally got a "real " publisher and my book at least will get out there, even if nothing else I did accomplish one of my lifetime goals before I die... (not saying I'm going to die today but I would be okay with it should it happen as a bizarre ironic twist to my fate)
This year has been written for me like a horrid attempt at a turning of a Shakespeare tragedy turned into some daytime made for lifetime drama with a drunk writer. I find myself fitting every cliche Ive ever hated and feeling all those things I swore I'd never let myself. Does this mean I'm growing as a person or shrinking? I'm truly thankful that even when I loathe myself I have the perseverance to loathe those who I allow to make me feel these things.
I miss friends I had a year ago who I dont talk to anymore and I'm thankful that I knew them to begin with. I'm thankful for the people I currently have (the 2 that will read this) to talk to to keep me somewhat sane and in the end I'm thankful for this year even though it has truly been the worst of my life (which is quite an accomplishment I think) and last but not least.. I'm thankful for phones that dont ring (they let me allow myself to cry into my glass of wine I finally gave into drinking) and I'm thankful for allowing myself the outlet to write unread meaningless words in a rambling incoherent fashion.
I'm thankful for anyone besides the 2 that typically read my blogs for reading this.
