Yes I know for the people that read my bulletin earlier about the blogs this isn't one of them. This is on 100% serious note that I don't even think I can crack a joke about this. It's because I know I'm so fucked I just don't know if I could get myself out of this. To people living in a populated area it's going to seem like nothing, but if I lose my transportation I'm done. I have nothing at all. This is gonna be a long story to tell. well to me it seems like it would be but I'll cut it short. Once again I doubt anyone will read this and I totally doubt my bf will even read this. But whatever right now I just need to vent in some way.
I went up to Illinois last month to work with my brothers dad. Well I only worked 2 wks due to issues between them two and I came back home to missouri after three weeks I think. I had some money to get my car fixed and money already put down on my car payment. So I was like, hey this should hold off until I find a job. I have been busting my ass driving up to an hr and half away to even get something for 7.50 an hour. But right now I'm not having any luck. I realized, my car payment is due in less than two weeks. If I don't pay it on time it's automatic repo because of how the place works. Well there it is right there. The thing that if I lose I'm fucked.
If someone is reading this they are prolly wondering why I'd just be nothing. Well 1. I live with my mom and she's moving on so I need to get out of her hair (it's a mutual feeling), 2. the nearest place to get a job is this gas station 4 miles or so down the road, but they never hire. After that, there is no place.. u have to absolutely drive an hour away to get something. And the fucked up thing is, I just realized I am fucked like 2 hrs ago. So I freaked out. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me with this sudden freaking out lately but well I guess I'm glad no one has been around. All I do is cry and blame myself for everything even if it's not my fault I'll find a reason to make it be. Yes I'm a little hard on myself but no one is hard on me so I'm just gonna have to lay it down for myself and be able to do it. But in this situation, I'm hopeless, I'm lost, I'm confused. If I didn't go up to IL. it wouldn't have been this way.
I called my mom, she told me that she knows I don't want to do it but I have to talk to Duane (boyfriend). I just don't want him to know that I'm not doing ok. But I guess I already fucked that up cuz my dumbass called him, didn't stay on the phone more than 10 seconds though. It just seems likes it's wrong right now to even bother. He's trying to straighten his shit up and last thing he needs is a gf that is in a position almost as worse as his (will be worse in a couple weeks though) But it's something that makes sense that my mom told me to talk to him about. But it's just not going to happen. Umm I think I'd honestly put myself on the streets before I could even talk to my boyfriend about what my mom what me to do. I'd think I'd rather just pack a bag and go and hopefully somewhere down the road I'll be ok again and happy to think that Duane probably got someone better with less financial problems and probably someone his bestfriend likes. It would be hard for me to do that. Honestly I can't say I know what I'd do b-c I don't. But I don't know if I should walk away from the man I love so much and just leave and hope he gets better and forgets about me fast or talk.
But even if I chose to talk I don't think it won't mean shit. He doesn't talk, he's not a blunt or even half ass open person about how he feels.
So basically now, I see it in a different way. Either go to the man I love and be rejected basically by looks and actions or not deal with the pain so much...
I've been doing so so so fucking good I don't like looking at other men, I just don't care cuz i know they aren't well him. I haven't gotten drunk at parties I've been looking everywhere for work. Been helping my mom with shit.
But yea it hurt enough when my mom basically said, you gotta get out soon. Why can't I be fucking independent. I know I can, but this is not the right area to be at all.
I know if someone is reading this, their probably lost, join the club, so am I. I don't have many options at all and I don't have much time.
I'm done for now, I gotta cool down. sorry if someone ended up reading this as I said, i just had to vent in some form.
