SwEeTHoNeY's blog: "Hurting."

So, anyone that knows me knows that I'm a pretty positive outgoing person. I'm there for my friends. I'm faithful. I'm dedicated to my education and work.

But lately. Hurt is starting to overcome me. It's getting close to the anniversary of my mother's death. So, in essence I'm reliving everyday this month as I did last year. It's hard to get through the days smiling, but I do it. I manage to get up everyday thinking in my mind that I have my family and my man.

Yet lately, He says I'm "clingy". It's obvious why, yet I can't seem to make him understand. Will I ever learn how to let go? Am I really clingy? Do I give him enough space? Am I a good girlfriend to him? All these questions burn through my mind and I just think to myself am I just being a fool and am I never going to learn to just let go a little? Am I always going to be afraid that something I love so much is going to dissappear in an instant? Is he always going to think to himself that it's cause I don't trust him, yet it's because I'm so scared of something bad happening.

Am I just being a fool? I love him with all my heart. I'd really do anything for him, but lately I just feel he's not happy. And other times I think he's blissfully happy. Am I just being too judgemental on myself of all people?

I look at myself and I hate myself. Will I ever learn to learn to accept my appearance?

Will I ever feel un-lonely in this flood of love that surrounds me?

I don't know anymore. I have so much for a future and I'm so scared of it. Not because it is bad, but because of what I know I can do. I'm scared to succeed. I'm scared of the responsibility. I've found myself lately purposely missing deadlines because I'm so scared of what I will become.

Overall my life is great. I have awesome people to surround me with love and support, but yet I have so many decisions to make so soon. Life changing decisions that I don't think I'm ready for mentally. I'm just so scared. Scared of everything. Scared if I make that wrong decision that I'll be left out like a fool.

I'm rambling I know.

But I have all these feelings right now, and don't know what to do or who to talk to.

Why can't life be easy like when we were kids? No care in the world. I've been through so much, and now I'm just taking it all in.

I just hope I'm not left alone like a fool.