Betty's blog: "How honest am I?"

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. Q. What's a mixed feeling? A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. Q What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. Q. What's the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your vasectomy. Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex? A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick! Q.Why is divorce so expensive? A. Because it's worth it! Q. What is a Yankee? A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? A. They both like a tight seal. Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?! A. Their balls are just for decoration. Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"? A. About three inches. Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms? A. For traction in the mud. Q: What's the difference between purple and pink? A. The grip. Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? A. It's not hard. Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw. Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 pounds. Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes. Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? A. The swallow. Q: What is the difference between medium and rare? A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare. Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A . They don't have balls to scratch OH, don't groan. You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody

10. "Don't you have some laundry to do or something?" 9. "Oooh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off." 8. "You're just upset because your ass is beginning to spread." 7. "Waaait a minute ... I get it ... what time of the month is it?" 6. "Are you sure you don't want to consult the 'Great Oprah' on this one?" 5. "Sorry. I was just picturing you naked." 4. "Whoa, time out honey. Football is on." 3. "Looks like someone had an extra bowl of Bitch Flakes this morning." 2. "Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?" AND THE NUMBER ONE THING YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A WOMAN DURING AN ARGUMENT. 1. "Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded

1.get 24 boxes of condoms ad randomly put them in peoples carts when they r not looking 2.set all the alarm clocks in hores to go off at 5-min intervals 3.make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the reast rooms 4.walk up to an employee and tell him/her in a offical tone,code 3 in housewares see what happens 5. go to the service desk and ask to put a bag of mms on layaway 6.move a caution-wet floor sign to a carpeted area 7.set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers youll invite them in if they bring pillows from bedding department 8.when a clerk ask if they can help you begin to cry and ask why cant you people just leave me alone 9.look right in the sercurty camera pick your nose 10.while handling guns in the hunting dept ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are 11.dart around the store humming mission impossible theme 12.in the auto pratice your madonna look using diffrent funnels 13.hide in the clothing rack and people browse through say "pick me! 14.when an announcement comes over the loud speaker,assume fetal position and scream NO! NO! ITS THOSE VOICES AGAIN!!!!!! 15.Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yellvery loudly theres no toilet paper in here 16.get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting go pikachu go repost this if u laughed... or planning to do any of those things

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze. 1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner." 2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?" 1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!" 2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' mochines!" 1st Hillbilly: "Why is that so stupid?" 2nd Hillbilly: "Cause we ain't got no plummin'!" 3rd Hillbilly: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar." 1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "Well what's so dumb about that?" 3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker."

I am the flag of the United States of America. I fly atop the world's tallest buildings. I stand watch in America's halls of justice. I stand side by side with the Maple Leaf on the worlds longest undefended border. I fly majestically over institutions of learning. I stand guard with power in the world. Look up and see me. I stand for peace, honor, truth and justice. I stand for freedom. I am confident. I am arrogant. I am proud. When I am flown with my fellow banners, my head is a little higher, my colors a little truer. I bow to no one! I am recognized all over the world. I am honored - I am saluted. I am loved - I am revered. I am respected -- and I am feared. I have fought in every battle of every war for more then 200 years. I was flown at Valley Forge, Gettysburg, Shiloh and Appomattox. I was there at San Juan Hill, the trenches of France, in the Argonne Forest, Anzio, Rome and the beaches of Normandy, Guam. Okinawa, Korea and KheSan, Saigon Vietnam. Know me, I was there. I led my troops, I was dirty, battle worn and tired, but my soldiers cheered me, And I was proud. I have been burned, torn and trampled on the streets of countries I have helped set free. It does not hurt, for I am invincible. I have been soiled upon, burned, torn and trampled on the streets of my country. And when it's by those whom I've served in battle -- it hurts. But I shall overcome -- for I am strong. I have slipped the bonds of Earth and stood watch over the uncharted frontiers of space from my vantage point on the moon. I have borne silent witness to all of America's finest hours. But my finest hours are yet to come. When I am torn into strips and used as bandages for my wounded comrades on the battlefield, When I am flown at half-mast to honor my soldier, Or when I lie in the trembling arms of a grieving parent at the grave of their fallen son or daughter, I am proud. MY NAME IS OLD GLORY LONG MAY I WAVE

Thought for the Day: If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it. If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it. He sends you flowers every spring. He sends you a sunrise every morning Face it, friend - He loves you! Send this to every "beautiful person" you wish to bless. God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way. Read this line very slowly and let it sink in... If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it. Pass this message to seven people except you and me. You will receive a miracle tomorrow ( just do it)!

hey to all my friends I went to see my son last night at the jail, he's doing o.k..he's suppose to see the circuit clerk person today to see bout getting his bond lowered from 7,500...I just want to get him out so he can go on with his life, he was planning on joining the national gaurds, I think he would be better off in there than the jail that he's in, he's only 17.There is so many young kids in there, I don't know why their not in jevenille instead of there, this system that we have is so screwed up.anyways, hopefully he will be coming home soon...

I should be in bed asleep, most people are right now, but they don't have the problems I have.for 1, I can't sleep, and for 2 I'm worrying about my son, thats in jail right now...He is facing a prison sentence, if he don't get out of jail soon and join the national gaurds, he will be gone for a long time....we are doing everything that we can to get him out, but it's hard when they set his bond at 75,000 dollars..most people don't have 7,500 to get their kid out of jail...we don't but are checking on getting a loan from the bank soon...he was actually starting to straighten his life up,then came along a asshole at my other sons school and started picking on my younger son, so my older son,went to tell this kids to stop bullying his brother...so the kid called the law and said that he pulled a knife on him,so they came and picked him up....thats how the law works here in my town, they go on hearsay...

Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years". "I remember that too", she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"