The holiday season is well underway, and we all know what that means. You can no longer shield your significant other from the craziness that is your family (or vice versa, depending on your taste in partners). No matter what precautions you take, it will inevitably be a disaster. But there are some things that can be done to minimize the carnage and maybe even keep your girlfriend from leaving your stupid ass for someone with a less crazy family.
Thus, my holiday gift to you is this.
1. Remember. You want these people to like you. You want them to like you a whole, whole lot. Her family has been around a lot longer than you have. Their opinion carries a lot of weight. Bring some Chap Stick; you're going to need it with all the ass you're going to be kissing.
2. Leave your relationship problems at the door. You are with someone's little girl. When you pull into the driveway, pretend that your relationship is hunky dory. Even if it's a dirty, filthy lie. You are outnumbered. She is your princess, regardless of whether or not you two are having issues. She can go back to being a cockslut in the car on the way home.
3. Try not to stay at her parents' home. This prevents the awkward sleeping situation. Get a hotel room, preferably in a different town. It's a small world. If you are playing hide the salami and she's squealing like a stuck pig, you will run into someone, somewhere who knows her parents. And will tell them. And you will die. If you can't manage to weasel out of staying with her family, do not, I repeat, do NOT even THINK of having sex with her in that house. Anywhere. Ever. Even if you think everyone's asleep, and the bathroom door is locked, the person you least want to see at that moment will catch you. It will most likely be her father. And he will most likely own a fire arm and have government officials that owe him a favor.
4. Avoid political conversations at all costs. Now is not the time to announce to the family that you think the entire government is full of shit and you think it needs to be entirely overhauled so we can all live in a hippy commune and smoke pot until we are all sterile. If her family brings up politics, sit quietly and try to keep your yap shut. If you feel the need to contribute, wait until you hear the tone of the conversation, and keep your opinions to a minimum. If Pops drags you into some political conversation, give a non committal answer and move on.
5. You are your own person. You're artsy and a free spirit. Good for you. Now shave, shower, and get a god damn haircut. Do not show up looking like you belong in a rock band. Even if you are in a rock band. It wouldn't kill you to cover up the tattoo that says "I fucked your Mom" and take out the lip ring. I know. They should like you for who you are. But they won't.
6. If you are going to break up with your significant other, hold off until the holiday season is over. Or you will forever be known as The-Asshole-Who-Broke-Her-Heart-On-(Insert name of holiday here). That is not a title you want. This is especially true if one or more of her parents were ever in the Armed Forces. She may forgive you and love you just as much as ever. But her family may or may not try to poision you.
7. Make sure your partner warns you of any quirks her family has. For example. My grandmother cooks a mean hamloaf. It is disgusting. It is revolting. But it is part of our holiday tradition. If she has to suffer, so do you. Now is not the time to make little comments about things that won't change.
8. Have an answer for the uncomfortable relationship questions arranged with your partner. So when Grandma asks you what your plans for the future are, you have a better answer than "I'm going to slap her ass, fuck her hard, have her get me a beer and then take a nap".
9. She may have a hot cousin, sister or mom. You are allowed one comment and that is all. Only one. Something along the lines of "So and So didn't tell me she had a younger sister!" while talking to mom. I don't care if she's a M.I.L.F. Your girlfriend also has a F.W.L.T.K.U. (Father Who'd Love To Kill You).
10. Refrain from getting totally inebriated. If the booze is flowing, have a drink. If they are passing the bong (Don't laugh. I know someone whose family really does this) take a courtesy hit if you are so inclined. Do not under any circumstances have more than two. You will get drunk. You will get high. You will make an ass of yourself. And you will be jerking off alone until you talk some other girl into dating you.
See? None of it is all that difficult. It also helps a lot if your girlfriend can give you a rundown of the day's events so you know when things are happening and where you are supposed to be. This can be helpful in deciding a good time to leave if you want to bow out early. If you know Uncle Bob gets drunk by 4:30 and starts playing grab ass, perhaps a good time to get the fuck out of Dodge is somewhere around 4:15. One last piece of advice. She owes you for putting up with her crazy family. She puts up with yours. But try to be a few miles out of town before asking for road head. Just in case Dad has more friends than you thought.
