Shadow's blog: "Rantings cuz I can!"

created on 08/17/2007 | http://fubar.com/rantings-cuz-i-can/b117027

posted on 09/18/2007&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;10:09&nbs-07:00;pm

hmmm a few thoughts...cuz I need to
http://fubar.com/hmmm-a-few-thoughts-cuz-i-need-to/b117027-530234

I was laying here wondering whats up with alot of my friends and decided that I just was getting myself all upset for no reason. I have had alot going on in my head in the last few days...and as some of you have seen my status has read either sad or down...something to those words for awhile now. I just don't know why people can't take others at their word? why does it seem that there is really no one out there that a person can rely on? Why is it that every time I turn around someone else has issues and I can't just lay down my own problems at thier feet instead of them laying thier's down at my damn feet?? Talk about feeling alone alot of the time... AND still no one out there for me to bitch to, cry to, or any damn thing. It's sad that I have to get hugs online and there is no one around me to just want to hug me because they can... I guess I just don't get it. I lost alot of friendships over the years because I moved away and forward in life.....and yet some of these friends are the best I have ever had. I can think of 3 right now that my soul just screams out to be near and talk to {in person}. What good is being a nice person if I can't seem to figure out half of what is in my own head??? I am not stupid enough to think that anyone really gives a crap if I am nice or not. I guess that's part of it...I am too damn nice. Then again I guess I should wake up and realize how f*ucked up it is being nice and become this huge b*tch...it tends to get people places when they are like that. Yea, I am being nippy, but hell even I need a break from being nice at times. I wonder if the rest of the world has this overwhelming need to scream alot of the time. I think at times I am out of my damn mind...I get so sick of how selfish people can be, how they take advantage of how giving others can be. Then people ask where my screen name comes from....well f*ck...its easier to stay in the shadows than the light and the darkness is too easy to stay in. Every day I look wake up and I am not sure if I should be greatful for another long, lonely, frustrating day orrrr if I should just go back to sleep....f*ck, look at me now...up right now for what? I had a friend tell me that if they ever taught me something it was that I am a slave to the world....I argued with them for 9 months, until yesterday I figured out that he was right. Damn {shakes head}, I know he will love to hear that he was right. I am not happy that he was right....not at all.... So, to change??? To stay the same? Can I change who and what I am??? How do I figure that all out....??? Well, I am off to get lost in my writing in my story writing, which I know I have not been doing enough of lately. Don't be real surprised when part 3 of the story takes a huge step the wrong way.... Jess AKA: DarK ShaDoW AnGeL

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