i can't say i'm doing better... i guess I am in ways... but in so many i'm still hurting. I still can't figure out why when I think of him that i get this feeling in my stomach.. I don't know if it's because I miss him still or it's anxiety or just anger... But it's every time I think of him.. the good stuff and the bad. Like I sit here and wonder what happened.. I still don't have closure. Last i knew we were golden. I still looked at him like those old couples who have been married fifty years look at each other.. the stars in my eyes... the look that says I would do anything for you and I love you so very much. I can't help but wonder where it went wrong. He left a blog comment on a blog of mine and used the term "our lives" then... then two weeks later it was twisted and I am where I am today. I guess I just need that closure. I think of how happy we were in the beginning when we talked for hours... when we walked the dam... when he and I used to just go when the kids were in school. and how passionately we loved. and then the world crashed. Maybe it was me... maybe i loved too much and gave too much. maybe it was him, maybe he wasn't used to a girl like me. maybe he wanted just a babysitter and housecleaner. I don't know. Maybe i never will. but I wish I had that love again. Maybe i should have been more patient. let things progress a bit more before i gave up. but it seemed to me he gave up before i did. I just wish the feeling in my stomach would go away when i think of him. maybe i will know when i am healing when that feeling goes away. maybe. maybe that feeling is there as a reminder of what was so good for a minute in my life. maybe. they say your heart beat quickens when you ar ein love... this feeling in my stomach, all at once i have a rapid heartbeat, nausea, confusion, angst, heartbreak, but most of all, love. yes, love. even though he won't even speak to me and we havent said anything in weeks now, i still love that man, and even though it would be hell to deal with some people in his life, i would go back so i could love him the way i did... and do. all he would have to do would be ask. and i know that sounds stupid... but i was so happy so very happy for a brief minute and i want to be that happy kim agagin. i'm tired of feeling this way and crying myself to sleep at night. i want to be home, home with him, in the house we found and made, to make the memories we talked about making. the cristmas ones, the spring ones... all of them. my heart hurts so bad right now. he used to play "god send me an angel"... and one day i walked in from work when he did... and he smiled and said god did... what happened? i can't believe in my heart that the love i had and felt was only meant to be so brief. to, that was the love. the perfect love. iot was the love that everyone wishes they had but noone actually has. why would it be for such a brief time? why would god say here... have this love for a minute.. then take it away? to tease me? i can hope i find it agagin.. but what if i don't? what if i compare all others to this one for the rest of my life? i don't want to settle for anything less than that kind of love anymore. and i am so afriad that is what i will be doing. *trying to find the pieces to to tape/staple/plaster/glue it all back together*
