o Perfectly Flawed o's blog: "Heartbroken"

As of today, I have absolutely no regrets.

I think i'am a mature person who can take things in stride.

Im grateful for people in my past, they helped me get where i'am

Wherever that is, but now, I'am thinking for myself

I've made some mistakes in my life. I've let people take advantage of me, and accpeted way less than i deserve. But, i've learned from my bad choices and even though there are some things I can never get back and people who will never be sorry, I'll know better next time and I wont settle for anything less than i deserve.

I'am confident and scared, terrified and excited, I'am loving, and caring, and thoughtful and hopeful. Iam sick and tired. Iam shy and friendly, and careful and careless. Iam broken and iam whole. Iam misunderstood,misguided, and mislead. Iam hardworking and determined, but a little scared on the inside. I wish on stars and dream my dreams. I pray and cry my tears. I smile on the outside, while im dying on the inside. I listen to others who wont listen to me. I walk on eggshells, and i walk on fire. I bieleive in passion and true love, ill love oyu and push you away. Iam everything and nothing all at once and all i want is for someone to love me!

I dont know why we all hang on to something we know we're better off letting go. It's like we're scared to lose something we never really had. Some of us say we'd rather have something than nothing at all, but the truth is... to have something hhalfway is harder than not having it at all.

As we grow up...

We learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.

You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder everytime.

You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.

You'll fight with your best friend, you'll blame a new love for things an old one did.

You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.

So take many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt.

because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of hapiness you'll never get back.....

I get it now.  It took a while but I finally understand.  I am not what she wanted, not who she thinks of, not the person that makes her happy.  I sit up at night and wonder what it is about me.  Am I not smart enough, am I not attractive, am I to needy, demanding?  Or do I not care enough, do I not give her enough attention?

Well whatever it is I get it.  She don't want to be bothered. I get it now, I finally understand.  I am not the one.

Thought that I could complete her and that she could complete me.  So much in common, so much understanding between the two of us, but I guess that was wishful thinking. I was intrigued by her and wanted to know more.  I wanted to know all of her desires, dreams, passions and the things that make her uniquely her.  The thought of her placed me in a dream that I didn't want to wake up from, a dream that I wished to return to each night, but no such luck.  Instead I was forced to wake up, forbidden to go back at night and trapped in the cruel reality, that I can never have her. 

There once was a smile and a feeling of being when her name was spoken or her picture was present, but now there is only sorrow and pain.  A feeling of being cursed to feel the joy of companionship just long enough to draw me in and forget all about past hardships and insecurities; only in the end to have it yanked away from me and placed back to where I was in the beginning, lost, alone and sad.

There are no hard feelings though.  None at all, just glad that this happened before I fell any deeper into the memories of her smile, the comforting feeling of her touch, the look in her warm eyes, the soft but commanding sound of her voice, or her lingering scent on my clothes and in my bed.  I am just glad that this happened before I could work up the courage to mouth the words I love you, or better yet before you could. 

But I get it, I understand.  I am not the one, and no matter what I do, say or feel I won't be the one.  So back to where I started, with a new outlook and promise to myself.   I promise not to get hurt again.  I promise to not get so wrapped up in someone else.  It requires too much energy and in the end causes so much more damage than it is worth.  They say it is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.  I wish that was true, but there is nothing that I have seen or felt to make me believe this.

Why do you still care for a girl who obviously doesn’t care for
you?

Accept the fact that the relationship is over, and we will not be
getting back together again.

Maintain No Contact, and do not check up on her, if you want to
avoid pain.

Why keep pining for a girl, who has already forgotten about you.

You are better than that. You are going to push yourself to be
the best man ever and not let this define who you are.

You are young and you will experience so much more in life.

The relationship is over. Accept it or keep feeling this way. She
is not coming back. Listen to all your girl friends’ experiences,
when a relationship is over…its over. What’s the use of looking
back? What will that do for you?

She doesn’t care for you anymore. She doesn’t think of you
anymore. She’s not made one ounce of an effort to see how you
are. You are not even in her mind…so why should you keep
letting her into yours?

The past is gone. You must look towards the future. What type
of man will you be. Build yourself up with life experiences.

In the grand scheme of things, this pain is small….and
something you will get over. In time this shall pass. Don’t dwell on
something which will do no good.

She doesn’t think of you as a looser or a bad person, just
someone that she didn’t work out with. But…remember, the
relationship is over. It’s something that will never happen again.

Don’t keep feeling for a girl that doesn’t have any feelings for
you. That’s illogical and insane.

She doesn’t care for you. She could care less if you disappeared
into nothing. And that should drive you to push your feelings for
her away.

It is over. There is no chance at reconciliation. It is gone. She is
a stranger now.