o Perfectly Flawed o's blog: "Heartbroken"

I get it now.  It took a while but I finally understand.  I am not what she wanted, not who she thinks of, not the person that makes her happy.  I sit up at night and wonder what it is about me.  Am I not smart enough, am I not attractive, am I to needy, demanding?  Or do I not care enough, do I not give her enough attention?

Well whatever it is I get it.  She don't want to be bothered. I get it now, I finally understand.  I am not the one.

Thought that I could complete her and that she could complete me.  So much in common, so much understanding between the two of us, but I guess that was wishful thinking. I was intrigued by her and wanted to know more.  I wanted to know all of her desires, dreams, passions and the things that make her uniquely her.  The thought of her placed me in a dream that I didn't want to wake up from, a dream that I wished to return to each night, but no such luck.  Instead I was forced to wake up, forbidden to go back at night and trapped in the cruel reality, that I can never have her. 

There once was a smile and a feeling of being when her name was spoken or her picture was present, but now there is only sorrow and pain.  A feeling of being cursed to feel the joy of companionship just long enough to draw me in and forget all about past hardships and insecurities; only in the end to have it yanked away from me and placed back to where I was in the beginning, lost, alone and sad.

There are no hard feelings though.  None at all, just glad that this happened before I fell any deeper into the memories of her smile, the comforting feeling of her touch, the look in her warm eyes, the soft but commanding sound of her voice, or her lingering scent on my clothes and in my bed.  I am just glad that this happened before I could work up the courage to mouth the words I love you, or better yet before you could. 

But I get it, I understand.  I am not the one, and no matter what I do, say or feel I won't be the one.  So back to where I started, with a new outlook and promise to myself.   I promise not to get hurt again.  I promise to not get so wrapped up in someone else.  It requires too much energy and in the end causes so much more damage than it is worth.  They say it is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.  I wish that was true, but there is nothing that I have seen or felt to make me believe this.