Ok, so anyone that I've talked to on here now knows that I split up with my husband of 9 years last week.
Anyone that knows us as a couple are extremely shocked because there was no signs to anyone that anything was wrong. I'm one of those people that would rather try to talk things out and try to fix things on my own before blabbing my problems to everyone. If I need help fixing something, then I ask, if not, I'll do it myself. Plus, I have enough respect for my husband that I'd rather confront him with the issue instead of going behind his back. It is a team effort right!
Unfortunately, what people don't know is my hubby suffers from a 'Passive Aggressive' personality type. Which pretty much means he's miserable all the time! Trying to get him to smile is like pulling teeth! Everything in his life is negative even though most would say he has the world.
I've spent 9 years trying to get him to at least notice me. Every girl needs attention and I'm not ask for much and I need very little to be happy. I'm one of those girls that smiles all the time and will laugh at absolutely anything! I see the good in everyone I talk to, which gets me in trouble sometimes since I'm so gullible, but I feel that everyone deserves a chance and everyone has a story. Short form....I'm a spunky, redheaded wildfire of a girl that is pretty much high on life all the time and won't go down without a fight!
Unfortunately, with all the years of being unnoticed, rejected, crushed, pushed away, cut off and forgotten, it has drained my fire right out of me!!
I have wasted the best times of my life to utter nothingness! I have only been able to find and figure out what's in my head but I have not had a chance to use or express any of it. I am a natural perv that thinks about sex and everything that comes with it constantly! It's not something that I can escape but it is all stuff that I want to experience. Which in my current situation doggy style is being 'kinky' and I'm sorry, I know what's in my head and my 'kinky level' is a LOT higher than that!! I just need to find someone that will have the patience to teach me how to bring my natural freak out! I don't think I can learn it all with mindless one night stands unfortunately, but I'll learn what I can when I get there if I even decide to do that. I do have standards and morals so I can't just fuck everyone I look at. I have more respect for myself than that!
I've tried getting my husband to try new things but well, if he feels uncomfortable doing something, he'll just push it away like a 12 year old giddy child! It took me 9 fucking years just to get him to play with my asshole!! And well, that's just not right man!
All this nothingness has left me almost hollow feeling. I've lost huge self confidence but have gains a lot too having to be confident for him. he has literally sucked the life right out of me and after years and years of telling him and talking to him about every issue you can possible think of, he's just starting to realize what he's done now! I can feel the guilt emanating off of him when he looks at me but I can't even force myself to look at him in his eyes. I feel horrible for breaking his heart and feel bad knowing inside that he feels there still can be a chance, even though I know there can't.
The sadness, guilt and fear of change is eating at me constantly but there's this sense of euphoria knowing that I don't have to feel this nothingness anymore. I have missed out on so much laughter it's just plain sad and it kills me to admit it! Laughter is in my soul and I know in my heart that if I didn't get out soon, my soul would be forever crushed!!
Well, that's my story I guess and if anyone read this that has to deal with someone like this, if you EVER feel like you're getting your 'happy' sucked out of you, LEAVE!!! It's not worth being crushed for!
