MrForeplay's blog: "have a laugh :))"

How To Shower Like a Woman Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas. How To Shower Like a Man Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohican Wee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. Admire willy size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!!!!!! PASS THIS ON TO SOMEONE WHO NEEDS CHEERING UP, AS THIS WILL DO IT

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR ? A: It's Braille for "suck here." Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS ? A: It's the same as a French kiss, but "down under" Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS? A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a 'goodyear'. Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN ? A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them. Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING? A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch... AND: Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARRASSMENT? A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

A priest and a rabbi were talking when the rabbi asked the priest about confession. "I have an idea," said the priest. Why don't you sit with me on my side of the confession booth and hear it for yourself? No one will ever know. A woman came into the booth and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned." The priest asked, "What did you do?" "I cheated on my husband." "How many times?" "Three times." "Well," said the priest, "Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars in the offering box." Another woman came and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned." The priest asked, "What did you do?" "I cheated on my husband." "How many times?" "Three times." Again the priest said, "Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars in the offering box." Then the priest said to the rabbi, "Would you like to do the next confession?" The rabbi started to object, but the priest said, "Go ahead. It's easy." So another woman came in and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned." This time the rabbi asked, "What did you do?" "I cheated on my husband." "How many times?" The woman said, "Twice." Then the rabbi said, "Well go do it again. They're 3 for 5 dollars today.

(*) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Americans or Australians. (*) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Americans or Australians. (*) The Japanese drink lots of whisky and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Americans or Australians. (*) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Americans or Australians. Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.... WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again. " WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look) HUSBAND: (makes audible groan) WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house." WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?" HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new." WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?" HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?" HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed. " WIFE: -- silence -- HUSBAND: "...shit..."

1. Men are like laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you. 2. Men are like bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are. 3. Men are like weather. Nothing can be done to change them. 4. Men are like blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why. 5. Men are like chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. 6. Men are like commercials. You can't believe a word they say. 7. Men are like department stores. Their clothes are always 1/2 off! 8. Men are like government bonds. They take soooooooo long to mature. 9. Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. 10. Men are like popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 11. Men are like snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. 12. Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright. 13. Men are like parking spots. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped

The 1st Affair A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!" The 2nd Affair A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!" The 3rd Affair A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed,"Schwartz is dead!" The 4th Affair A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed . Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing." The 5th Affair A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied: The same thing I'm doing to his business down here." The 6th Affair Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to," his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she replied," now just rest and let the poison work."