A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is
something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who
ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary:
For my sixty-fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local health
club for me. Although I am still in great shape since
playing on my college football team 45 years ago,
I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and
give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations
with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself
as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic
clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a
diary to chart my progress . ..
MONDAY
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but
found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club
to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek
goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white
smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the
machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the
treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I
attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra aero bic
outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in whi ch she
conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring.
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut
was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was
around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron
bar into the air; then she put weights on it! My legs were
a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.
Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth
over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectoral s.
Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I
parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too
perky for early in the morning, and when she scolds, she
gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt
when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy
life. She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full
snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took
me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out
with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in
the men's room. She sent Lars to find me. Then, as
punishment, she put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
FRIDAY
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a
part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I
would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my
triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want
dents in the floor, don't hand me the F---- barbells
or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill
flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer,
like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up
today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine
with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use
the TV remote and ended up catching
eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so
I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also
pray that next year my wife (the bitch) will choose a gift
for me that is fun ------- like a root canal or a vasectomy.