CoCoDaAssClown's blog: "Getting stuff off my chest"

I guess I should be happy its over. Honestly I am. Im just hurt by the extent of the lies I have been told. Im upset at myself for falling for it. For thinking it was all bullshit. For hoping it was all lies and I was the one that was right. I am done being lied to. Im done being used and stepped on.

From now on Im gonna be extra careful.

I got way to much stuff on my mind atm. Its weird how things happen...

The news I got a few days ago has affected me more then I thought they would..

I wasnt prepared for this.. and now I cant decide what to do.. well. I have decided, but I cant make up what to say...

and its bugging me like crazy!!

I keep going over it in my mind, over and over and over...But it doesnt get better, it just get worse. Its now making me unable to sleep...

I hate this!!!

Sometimes everything gets to me at once...

I get scared, nervous and feel alone..

I know deep down Im not alone at all.. I have people that love me.. But I feel like Im all alone..and that no one will ever understand me....

Sometimes I just wanna throw in the towel and say fuck it to everything..

I know I cant do that tho.. I will soon have someone that will depend on me for everything in life..

That scares me the most... how will I be able to take care of this little person? What if I do something wrong.. what if something happens and I dont know how to handle it??

I have the support of someone special tho.. plus from my family... and all my friends.. I have promised them and myself that Im gonna do my best...

sometimes my best doesnt feel good enough tho...

I hate U for doing this to me

I hate U for leaving me when U said U would be there no matter what

I hate U for not caring about the baby I am having

I hate U for the fact that MY baby wount have its real dad

I hate U for making me cry when all I really want to do is smash ur face in with a rock

But most of all....

I hate U for being U..

So why is it that whenever a friend finds a gf or bf they start to ignore their friends??

I know they dun do it intentionally.. but don´t they realize it kinda hurts?

Someone I have known for over 3 years, that I have shared every thought with.. that has come to me for advice regarding issues and relationships.. has now stopped talking to me..

Im happy this person has found someone to share life with.. but at the same time it hurts that Im no longer important...

I realize U have Ur own life.. and thats ok.. thats not what Im "bitching" about... its about the fact that Im not even worth a hello anymore...

It just hurts to know that I was awsome to be around.. but as soon as U find someone else.. I kinda suck....

*sighs* Guess staying away from people IS the best way to go after all....

Dear lil Hell Spawn.. I know we havent met yet.. but I already love U with all my heart...

I hope U and I will get by on our own and that U wount miss Ur dad too much..

I wish thing were different.. but I know we can make it on our own..

I can´t wait til U get here!! <3

Im trying not to let things get to me.....

trying not to let it show..

but sometimes stuff just gets to me...

this week has been hard.. and what happend today was kinda the final straw... I dunno how much longer Ima be able to keep this charade up... that its all ok... that IM OK...

cus honestly.. Im dying inside...

People are such idiots.... or.. maybe I am the idiot... I dunno.. and I dun care tbh... I just get sick of people at times.. Why can`t people learn.. Why do they gotta say stuff that makes U mad.. or hurt.....

It hurts more then U know.... Especially if Ur like me... the most selfconsious person out there..... I take everything that people say personal.. and I analyze it over and over and OVER.....

I thought I had found it this time
I thought I had a chanse
I guess being happy aint for me
I guess I am bound to live my life alone
I guess I am one of those people
That people like
but never love
Or fall in love with
Am I that hard to get?
I don´t think so
I thought I was easy to get
Easy to understand
I guess I was wrong
I know one thing tho
I wount try again
I wount even look
I will put me first
no one else
I will take care of me
I am ok with that
I am ok with being alone
I have been alone for the most part of my life
I am one of those people that people remember while I am around..
But they never call me when I am gone
When I need it the most
I guess I am easy to forget
Easy to ignore
Easy to don´t care about
Easy to say no to
All I want is to be liked
Liked for who I am
Is that to much to ask for?

If U treat me like nothing
I will evetually be nothing

U told me I was beatiful
U made me feel beatiful when I was with U
U made me feel useful

Then U changed

What happend?

Did U not see me anymore?

Was I invisible?

Did I do it all wrong?

U started to ignore me
U started to put me down
U never said I was beatiful again
U didn´t make me feel beatiful when I was with U
U didn´t make me feel useful anymore
U never told me U loved me

I loved U U know...

I started to hate myself
I started to belive I was the one that was wrong
I thought it was all my fault
I started to run away
I started being mean
U made me mean
I did wrong
I know I did

I am happy I have moved on..
I am happy I don´t love U anymore
I am happy all by myself
I am starting to be happy with who I am
I am learning all over again

Who I am
Who I want to be
What I want to do
Where I want to be

I am happy I left U even tho U made me feel like I was a fool for ever leaving

I am happy I didn´t listen to U begging me to take U back again

I am happy I didn´t let my guilty consience make the wrong desission again

It´s been almost a year.. I never thought I would be feeling like this again

I never thought I would find myself again

I thought I would be lost for the rest of my life

I have moved on.. I have grown..

I am strong enough to take care of myself again now.. without the help of others

I am strong enough to look back and say.. Yes.. I fucked up.. but I learned from it and I grew stronger from it

And I will NEVER let anyone put me down like that again

U didn´t break me

U made me stronger