LostHippy's blog: "General Ramblings"

So I got bored the other night and posted a personals ad on craigslist....All I can say is OMFG it really opened my eyes to how superficial people are. Now the reason I say people and not men is because woman are guilty of the same exact thing. Why is it that now a days everyone is judged and criticized for evey little thing. From looks, to size, to every little detail. Granted the posting started out as just being a joke, but it has raised alot of question in my mind as to whether or not there are still decent unattached men in the world. Don't get me wrong I know there are, but where are they? Far too many times I see my friends settling for someone they aren't happy with, just because they want someone to care about them. I myself am guilty of this. It roots back to severe self esteem and insecurity issues, but working past those I have found alot that I was missing in my life previously. Ok Back on Track.... Here is a copy of the posting.... Don't laugh too hard, but I figure if I am going to have fun with it, I may as well make it fun right? Then re-reading it I realised that its true, all of it. Posting was Headlined with: "How Shallow Are You?" Oh HELL!!!!!!! 1. I can't believe I am actually doing this. 2. I am a single mother with a teenage son. 3. I will openly admit that I can be a bitch, it has taken me years to earn that title please don't try and take it away now. 4. I am opinionated, I don't judge, I just always have an opinion. 5. I tend to talk alot when I am nervous 6. I am not perfect nor will I ever pretend to be 7. I am not petite, meaning I have weight on my bones and a few curves. 8. Within my curves I have an ASS that happens to be one of my best assets other than my eyes. 9. Don't ask about my tits because I am not happy with them either. They were big before having a child. Now Whatthefuckever!!!! 10. I have baggage ALL WOMEN DO, and if they tell you they don't they're lying. 11. I am a down to earth laid back parent, I am friends with my son, but I am a Mom first. My sons friends call me Mom and they all wish that I was their Mom. Whatever they call it now, it was called being the "Cool Mom" when I was younger. Please do not try and tell me how to raise my son. His dad has tried the conventional way, and my son has no respect for him. 12. Honesty is one of my biggest pet peeves. Don't lie to me to make me feel better, I would much rather hear the truth no matter how brutal, than someone tell me what they THINK I want to hear. 13. Thinking causes "Dain Bramage"!!! Can You tell me without googling it, who said that and when? 14. I am not religious, I am spiritual and there is a difference, I don't care if you are religious, but please DO NOT try and convert me, it won't happen! 15. I have recently been told by approximately 75 people that I am a MILF!!!!! They LIED, see #12. 16. If you ask for my picture and you agree with the people in #15 see #12 and re-think your answer. 17. I have no problems talking shit about myself, I may not be 100% secure with my body, but I am secure enough to be able to make fun of myself. Refer to #9 18. I am that woman that all my friends come to for advise on their girlfriends, boyfriends, wives and husbands. 19. I am the one that all my guy friends who aren't married keep saying "Why Can't I Find Someone Like You?" Then again my guy friends that are married keep asking why they couldn't have married someone like me. 20. Hindsight is a pain in the ass, and no one ever realizes it until its too late. Get over it and move the fuck on. 21. Oh yeah I cuss, alot.... 22. I drink weekly and socially, generally don't drink alone, unless it been a really really shitty day. 23. I don't drink girly fu-fu drinks either. My Favorite Beer is Newcastle, if I have to go domestic then its Bud Light. I drink hard alcohol too, just a few I refuse to drink. 24. I have tattoos 25. My tongue is pierced, that is NOT an invitation to send me an email to suck your dick. 26. My tongue is pierced because I had a someone tell me that I couldn't do something. 27. I don't take orders very well. Suggestions I will consider but not orders. (There are exceptions to every rule) I would be interested to know if you understand why I put that there. 28. I enjoy a variety of music. Mainly Country, Classic Rock, Rock, and Alternative. However if you look through the 16,000 music files on my computer I have a bit of everything. 29. I like sports, and I LOVE Hockey... 30. Most of my friends are MEN, get over it I get along with them better, and women have DRAMA and BAGGAGE. See #10 That all being said, there is alot more but I need to leave something to talk about later right? So as for what I am looking for, nothing in particular. Ok well maybe so! 1. Can you be 100% honest 2. Can you make me smile 3. Can you make me laugh and keep me laughing 4. Can you hold an intelligent conversation 5. Can you really have a conversation at all 6. Are you spontaneous 7. You must like kids, especially teenagers, they are around alot! 8. You must be secure enough to handle #30 on my list. If any of this has made you laugh, then I have done my job. I like to be able to make people laugh while being honest. I joke alot, I am very sarcastic, and sometimes just plain stupid. Life is interesting and just because you have to deal with it doesn't mean every moment has to be planned. There is alot of good and bad out there, I just tend to walk away from the bad. I am for the most part a good girl with very rough edges. If any of this has caused you to go hmmmm, then feel free to email me. I will send a pic if requested but if you request mine yours must be included with your request. I will not send naked pics so don't ask. Have a Good Day I posted this ad once Tuesday night and again Thursday mid-morning. I was completely surprised at the complete different classes of individuals that replied between the differnet postings. The ones that emailed me back were able to carry on an intelligent conversation and generally really nice guys. Then once pictures were exchanged all communication stopped completely. The funniest replies I think I got were the younger boys obsessed with the movie, "The Graduate" and looking for their own Mrs. Robinson.....lol One of which after a 6 hour converstation on and off about Cartoons from my era.... He asked me to meet him at a bar in Costa Mesa, surprisingly enough we took that conversation a little bit further and as it turns out I went to school with this persons Mom, and at one point had been very good freinds with her... Once that realization hit, I laughed even harder and told him to give his mom my email address. I am really glad that I decided to not talk about sex or anything of that nature with this kid. He seems like a good kid, and could be fun to hang around with in general but entirely way too immature for an adult relationship. There weren't near as many replies I thought there would be for people just wanting easy sex... I think only about 5 or 6. There were also quite a few men who are considerably older than me looking for younger woman, sort of a Daughter complex thing. They all seem to feel younger than that of their ages and women their age just cant keep up with them. I have about 5 replies from men older than my father, and there were 2 around the same age as my Mom. I have had very unique conversations with a few different people in which have replied. Al of which include real converstations on a large cariety of topics and SEX has not been the topic... That in itself has been a major thing that I was not expecting. These men really seem like "Good Guys" that just need a break in the dating world. Someone to just give them a chance, however so many of the woman searching are just as shallow as the men and personality has nothing to do with finding a significant other anymore. I have been invited for coffee a few times, but have declined. I refuse to meet anyone in person that I have met online by myself ever again even in public sometimes doesn't help. I've done that once and lesson learned..... All in all I've met some good guys, ones that at least through email and messenger I think can be good friends. There are still decent guys out there they are just few and far in between. None of these men piqued my interest to walk away from my current relationship, and that in itself tells me more than I was really seeing myself. While I may not be 100% happy in my relationship, I am at about 90%. Until I posted this ad I didn't realise that I was even that happy with it. Posting this has taught me a lesson to stop over analysing everything that is and isn't said in a relationship. I find myself feeling more confident in myself and our relationship and not questioning every little thing anymore. In a sense this a very healthy relationship for me, and I think that the fact that we were just friends first has everything to do with it... You can't be happy in a relationship if you dont have a friendship first, if you base a relationship on sex then what comes of it but just sex. All that being said, I am feeling rejuvenated and not so lonely anymore...

So last Thursday my, truck got repossessed at 630am. At first I was upset, then my friend talked some sense into me and made me realize that it was for the best. After work that day I went to get an estimate on the body work that my car needed done. Then decided it wasn't worth paying $5000 to fix it. Saturday morning I went to a car dealer found a very decewnt car with low miles for $500 down, and the payments are $200 less than my truck payments. This dealer carries their own financing, so there is NO middle man... So last night I was talking to my ex-husband and he's bitching at me about all the money that I have borrowed from him over the years and have failed to pay back. Then he asked me if he could have the car that needs the $5000 in repairs. So after thinking about if for about 5 minutes, I said,"Sure you can have it, You can pick it up on Monday night after I pick my new car up from the dealership. But if you want it you have to forget about all the money I owe you. Since I have already paid for a new alternator, and new transmission, and a brand new battery for this car in the last 6 months." His dumb ass said OK... So in light of all this I will have a new car as of Monday after work, and I won't have to be stuck with another car just taking up space anymore. Now I can start to play catch up with everyone else I owe....

In retrospect of everything that I have gone through in my lifetime good and bad.Thinking back to those two very significant days in my life, had I chosen to find a way to end my life, where would that have left my son. He now is my reason for living as he always should have been. Unfortunately it took me feeling abandoned by my Mom taking her own life that made me realize that. My son will forever and always be my reason to choose life over death. Mickey and I have a relationship very similar to the one I had with my Mom. I don't even want to imagine what it would do to him, if something were to happen to me at this point in his life. I want to watch him grow up. I want to be here to see him through his mistakes. I want to see him succeed. I want to see what direction his life takes. Most of all in order for me to assure that he has a better life than I did, I need to make sure that he does. By wanting all of these things for him give my life a meaning and a purpose. I have been continually saying over the past few years. "That which has yet to kill me, will only continue to make me stronger!"

"It's interesting how we as a society take life for granted and it takes a death to an athlete, a celebrity, or some other social icon to remember how fragile life can be. I guess we remember at depressing times because they are someone we see in the spotlight. Someone that is suppose to distract us from our problems by entertaining us whether it be watching their movie, listening to them sing, or whatever they may be." It is very ironic how it takes a public figure or someone close to us dying to make the rest of us re-evaluate our lives. I know for me it wasn't so much a celebrity but my parents. When my Dad died almost 14 years ago, I thought my world was going to end. I loved him more than life itself. To the point that when I found out I was ready to take my son to my Mom's house and leave him there. I didn't want to live anymore. Thankfully my Mom refused to watch my son that day otherwise I more than likely would not be here typing this out now. I thought my world had crashed down around me and it took me weeks to deal with all the emotions that played out in my mind. Now on the anniversary of his passing, I reread all the letters, cards, and notes that I had saved over the years from him. This reminds me of all the good memories there were growing up and drowns out the bad ones for the time being anyways. When I got the call 2 years ago that my Mom had ended her life, it brought back all those emotions that I felt when my Dad died. My Mom was always Super-Mom in my eyes. She always knew the perfect thing to say to make me feel better and to make sure that I knew I was loved. There was never any doubt in my mind that my Mom loved me unconditionally. I have Kory and his parents to Thank for me still being here today to write this out. The night I got the call was a Sunday, Kory and I had just gotten back from Laughlin. It was late and I still had to drive home for work the next day. I had a voice mail on my cell phone and decided to check it before leaving his house that night. It was raining, he was sitting in his truck waiting for me to move my car. Something told me not to listen to my voice mail in my car. So I was standing in the garage and listened to my Grandfather leave me a message to call him. First thought in my mind was something happened to my Grandmother. So I called him back and when he answered I said "What's wrong with Grandma?" all he said was I wish it was about Grandma. The only thing I could say is, "What are you telling me?" He replied, "I'm sorry honey, but your Mom died this morning, she committed suicide." All I remember after that was I started screaming, crying hysterically, Kory walked over to me and I just handed him my phone, his Mom and Dad walked into the garage and said she's not driving anywhere in that condition. My grandfather told Kory what happened and then I heard him say, "Ok, we'll talk to you tomorrow." At that point I wanted so badly to get into my car and go up the back side of the mountain towards Idyllwild and drive off a cliff. I was numb, I couldn't stop crying, and all I could think about was how badly I wanted to die. I tossed and turned trying to sleep that night woke up quite a few times with tears still wet running down my cheek, and lying on a tear soaked pillow. The next morning I started calling the people from my Mom's life that I felt deserved to know immediately. It wasn't easy but someone had to do it. My grandmother was in no shape and my grandfather was too busy worrying about my grandmother. The only real burden of being an only child where my Mom was concerned was not having anyone else to make these calls. I spent days trying to find phone numbers online from people that were very close to her. Calling countless wrong numbers trying to find her closest friend, still after 2 years has no clue that my Mom is no longer with us. Looking back on the turn of events that day, I knew when Kory and I were sitting at Breakfast that morning that something was wrong. It was March; the weather was gloomy but not too bad. For some reason that entire day no matter what I did I couldn't get warm. I was wearing 2 pairs of socks, jeans, a t-shirt, sweatshirt and a sweater. Kory had the heater on in the truck and I had a blanket on my lap and I couldn't get warm for anything. I knew in my heart that something was wrong with someone I loved, but I didn't know who. In the aftermath of everything that has happened in my life over the past 2 years, including all the changes that I have made. It was looking at life through my Mom's eyes that made me see that I really wasn't happy, that I needed a change for myself and my son. I needed to find out who I was for me. I think back to the person that I was before all of these changes and I don't like what I see. It's a miracle that the rest of you all have put up with me as long as you have. Some of you may not like the person that I have become, for that all I can do is apologize. For now I can only stay true to me...If I don't take car of me first then I can't take care of anyone else.

My Private Part Died Today An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences." The next day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas." But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace, "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died." "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" (You gotta love this ...) Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."

THE BEST ROAD RAGE! An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof--and the horn--screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car." Priceless

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (because they are plugged into a genius) 2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? (they don't have enough time) 3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they won't stop to ask directions) 4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock) (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!) 5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties) 6. WHY DO WE KNOW THAT MAN WAS MADE BEFORE WOMAN? (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy) 7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (don't know.....it never happened) ( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!) And the personal favorite: 8.Why do men even exist? (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn) Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour

Rest In Peace Mom September 30,1953 - March 19,2006 Today its been a year and though I never thought that I would make it through, somehow between self chosen family and friends they have helped me to keep going. There has been so much you have missed and so many changes in my life I know you have seen. I just wish that you were still physically here with me to help me enjoy the little things going on around me everyday. I Love You and Miss You so very much. Almost daily I pick up the phone wishing that I could just hear your voice one last time. Well you would be proud that this morning I was able to get up and actually remove your old phone number from my phone so that the urge is no longer there. You will always be with me in spirit and haunting my every movement this I have accepted, but it isn't making the feeling of loss any less painful. I Love You and Miss You more and more everyday since your passing.