"It's interesting how we as a society take life for granted and it takes a death to an athlete, a celebrity, or some other social icon to remember how fragile life can be. I guess we remember at depressing times because they are someone we see in the spotlight. Someone that is suppose to distract us from our problems by entertaining us whether it be watching their movie, listening to them sing, or whatever they may be."
It is very ironic how it takes a public figure or someone close to us dying to make the rest of us re-evaluate our lives. I know for me it wasn't so much a celebrity but my parents. When my Dad died almost 14 years ago, I thought my world was going to end. I loved him more than life itself. To the point that when I found out I was ready to take my son to my Mom's house and leave him there. I didn't want to live anymore. Thankfully my Mom refused to watch my son that day otherwise I more than likely would not be here typing this out now. I thought my world had crashed down around me and it took me weeks to deal with all the emotions that played out in my mind. Now on the anniversary of his passing, I reread all the letters, cards, and notes that I had saved over the years from him. This reminds me of all the good memories there were growing up and drowns out the bad ones for the time being anyways. When I got the call 2 years ago that my Mom had ended her life, it brought back all those emotions that I felt when my Dad died.
My Mom was always Super-Mom in my eyes. She always knew the perfect thing to say to make me feel better and to make sure that I knew I was loved. There was never any doubt in my mind that my Mom loved me unconditionally. I have Kory and his parents to Thank for me still being here today to write this out.
The night I got the call was a Sunday, Kory and I had just gotten back from Laughlin. It was late and I still had to drive home for work the next day. I had a voice mail on my cell phone and decided to check it before leaving his house that night. It was raining, he was sitting in his truck waiting for me to move my car. Something told me not to listen to my voice mail in my car. So I was standing in the garage and listened to my Grandfather leave me a message to call him. First thought in my mind was something happened to my Grandmother. So I called him back and when he answered I said "What's wrong with Grandma?" all he said was I wish it was about Grandma. The only thing I could say is, "What are you telling me?" He replied, "I'm sorry honey, but your Mom died this morning, she committed suicide." All I remember after that was I started screaming, crying hysterically, Kory walked over to me and I just handed him my phone, his Mom and Dad walked into the garage and said she's not driving anywhere in that condition. My grandfather told Kory what happened and then I heard him say, "Ok, we'll talk to you tomorrow." At that point I wanted so badly to get into my car and go up the back side of the mountain towards Idyllwild and drive off a cliff. I was numb, I couldn't stop crying, and all I could think about was how badly I wanted to die. I tossed and turned trying to sleep that night woke up quite a few times with tears still wet running down my cheek, and lying on a tear soaked pillow. The next morning I started calling the people from my Mom's life that I felt deserved to know immediately. It wasn't easy but someone had to do it. My grandmother was in no shape and my grandfather was too busy worrying about my grandmother. The only real burden of being an only child where my Mom was concerned was not having anyone else to make these calls. I spent days trying to find phone numbers online from people that were very close to her. Calling countless wrong numbers trying to find her closest friend, still after 2 years has no clue that my Mom is no longer with us.
Looking back on the turn of events that day, I knew when Kory and I were sitting at Breakfast that morning that something was wrong. It was March; the weather was gloomy but not too bad. For some reason that entire day no matter what I did I couldn't get warm. I was wearing 2 pairs of socks, jeans, a t-shirt, sweatshirt and a sweater. Kory had the heater on in the truck and I had a blanket on my lap and I couldn't get warm for anything. I knew in my heart that something was wrong with someone I loved, but I didn't know who.
In the aftermath of everything that has happened in my life over the past 2 years, including all the changes that I have made. It was looking at life through my Mom's eyes that made me see that I really wasn't happy, that I needed a change for myself and my son. I needed to find out who I was for me. I think back to the person that I was before all of these changes and I don't like what I see. It's a miracle that the rest of you all have put up with me as long as you have. Some of you may not like the person that I have become, for that all I can do is apologize.
For now I can only stay true to me...If I don't take car of me first then I can't take care of anyone else.
