Lissa's blog: "Funny!!"

Female comebacks Here ya go, ladies...the comebacks you've always needed >Man: Where have you been all my life? >Woman: Hiding from you. >Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? >Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there any more >Man: Is this seat empty? >Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down >Man: Your place or mine? >Woman: Both...You go to yours, and I'll go to mine >Man: So, what do you do for a living? >Woman: I'm a female impersonater >Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? >Woman: Do not enter. >Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? >Woman: Unfertilized >Man: Your body is like a temple >Woman: Sorry, there are no services today. >man: I would go to the end of the world for you >Woman: But would you stay there? >Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy >Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. >Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together >Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together

What would men do. . . ? What would men do with a vagina for a day? 10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. 9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half. 8. See if they could finally do the splits. 7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet. 6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch. 5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time. 4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first. 3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video. 2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too. 1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

> VERY INTERESTING STUFF > > > > > In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to > beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the > rule of thumb" > > > > > > ------------------------------------------- > > > > > > Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled > "Gentlemen Only..Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into > the English language. > > > > > > ------------------------------------------- > > > > > > The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred > and Wilma Flintstone. > > > > > > ------------------------------------------- > > > > > > Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S . Treasury. > > > > > > ------------------------------------------- > > > > > > Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. > > > > > > ------------------------------------------- > > > > > > Coca-Cola was originally green > > > > > > ------------------------------------------- > > > > > > It is impossible to lick your elbow. > > > > > > ------------------------------------------- > > > > > > The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: > > > > Alaska > > > > ------------------------------------------- > > > > > > The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) > > > > > > ------------------------------------------- > > > > > > The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% > > > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -- > > > > The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400 > > > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -- > > > > The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: > > > > 61,000 > > > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -- > > > > Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. > > > > > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -- > > > > The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. > > > > > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -- > > > > The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. > > > > > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -- > > > > Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from > history: > > > > > > Spades - King David > > > > Hearts - Charlemagne > > > > Clubs -Alexander, the Great > > > > Diamonds - Julius Caesar > > > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -- > > > > 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 > > > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -- > > > > If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in > the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in > the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the > horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural > causes. > > > > > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -- > > > > Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John > Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but > the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later > > > > > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -- > > > > Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? > > > > > > A. Their birthplace > > > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -- > > > > > > Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name > requested? > > > > > > A. Obsession > > > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -- > > > > Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until > you would find the letter "A"? > > > > > > A. One thousand > > > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -- > > > > Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser > printers all have in common? > > > > > > A. All were invented by women. > > > > > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -- > > > > Q What is the only food that doesn't spoil? > > > > > > A. Honey > > > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -- > > > > Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year? > > > > > > A. Father's Day > > > > ------------------------------------------------------------ > > > > > > > > In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. > > > > When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed > firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight." > > > > > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -- > > > > It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month > after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in- law with > all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their > calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which > we know today as the honeymoon. > > > > > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -- > > > > In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England > , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your > pints and quarts, and settle down." > > > > > > It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's" > > > > > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -- > > > > Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the > rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they > used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase > inspired by this practice. > > > > > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -- > > > > At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow! > > > > > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -- > > > > - > > > > > > Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you > can read it. > > > > > > I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. > The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at > Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a > wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be > in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed > it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey > lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? > > > > > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -- > > > > YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 200 7 when... > > > > > > 1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave. > > > > > > 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. > > > > > > 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. > > > > > > 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. > > > > > > 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that > they don't have e-mail addresses. > > > > > > 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if > anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. > > > > > > 7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the > screen > > > > > > 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have > the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic > and you turn around to go and get it. > > > > > > 10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. > > > > > > 11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) > > > > > > 12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. > > > > > > 13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this > message. > > > > > > 14 You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. > > > > > > 15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on > this list. > > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > > > NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.