THE DRUNKENMONKEY RLBF AND FM TO SDJ444's blog: "funny shit"

You live within 45 minutes of at least three different malls 2 words... Atlantic City! Just a smaller version of Las Vegas =P You live within 1 hour of at least one Horse Racing Track (Meadowlands, Freehold, etc.) Gambling comes natural to you You went nuts when the show "The Sopranos" came out on HBO You have at least one Italian friend You have at least one friend that you suspect of being assossiated with the mob You've been in a town or city where Spanish is spoken more than English You only go to New York City for day trips There are no self serve gas stations and you like it that freakin' way You don't take shit from no one You're radioactive and proud of it Anything less than four inches of snow ain't shit You've pondered, "Maybe basketball would be more popular in NJ if the Nets didn't blow" You can go bowling at 1:30 A.M. (with automatic scoring!) You know that the only people that call it "Joisey" are from New York You watched "Mallrats" and said "I've been to that mall!" You can't believe MTV went to Seaside Heights You've planned a local trip around ensuring you pass at least 1 Dunkin' Donuts One time, a sea gull shit on your head You've seen or been in a fight between a NY Rangers fan and a NJ Devils fan You're related to someone who thinks the New York Jets should be called the New Jersey Jets You know that it's called "Great Adventure"... not "Six Flags", dammit! You know that ACME is an actual store, not just a Warner Bros creation You always use a minimum of 10 variations of the word "damn" while driving You once said, "It smells like New York around here" The Garden State Parkway doesn't freak you out at night You say "water" weird. (Wadder, Cawfee, Dowg, wadever) You've had sex on the beach, and I'm not talking about the beverage

Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it! Drive around the entrances screaming out the window "the British are coming!" Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive." Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. Hold indoor shopping cart races. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!" While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Ex: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying "How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. Start playing football with some cans and see how many people you can get to join in. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department over the top of your clothes. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens. Play with the automatic doors. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this shit, anyway?" Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!" Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!" Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?" Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible." Attempt to fit into very large gym bags. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's reaction as you attempt to buy them. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?" Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

How To Drive In New Jersey 1. First, you must learn how to pronounce Newark ....It is New-erk, not New-ark. (Actually, it's pronounced 'NORK'.) 2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning. 3. The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is 85 mph. On the Garden State Parkway it's 105 or 110. Anything less is considered 'Wussy.' 4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Jersey has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in Monmouth County , SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way. 5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. 6. Never honk at anyone. EVER. It's another offense that can get you shot. 7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of Jersey . Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit 'more exciting'. 8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shredded tires, cell-phoners, deer and other road kill, and the homeless feeding on any of these items. 9. Mapquest does not work here -- none of th e roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do. And all the Turnpike EZ pass lanes are moved each night once again to make your ride more exciting. 10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been 'accidentally activated.' 11. If you are in the left lane an d only driving 70 in a 55-65mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be 'flipped off' accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot. 12. Do not try to estimate travel time -- just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday, and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning . Follow these simple tips and you should make it through the day alive in New Jersey

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(repost of original by 'DJ BARTAB DJ @UNHOLY CONFESSIONS OWNED BY GOD ANGEL -RLBF & FUHUBBY TO DJ KRAZYCHICK' on '2008-06-07 13:07:48') (repost of original by '~SDMF Rellik~aka~Mass~U.C.R. Management~Black Label Ninja~I'm A Weapon Of *Mass* Destruction~' on '2008-06-07 13:09:11')

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Wake up Philadelphia And let me hear ya sing The Orange and the Black The Orange and the Black Across the blue line we attack We are The Orange and the Black The Orange and the Black Re-load and shoot again We are The Orange and the Black The Orange and the Black And a 1-2-3 Let the hats go flying For a Flyers victory And a 4-5-6 Our bold batallion May they take us all the way Wake up Philadelphia Down my family it was passed We are The Orange and the Black The Orange and the Black Kick the boards and pound the glass We are The Orange and the Black The Orange and the Black And a 1-2-3 Let the hats go flying For a Flyers victory And a 4-5-6 Our bold batallion May they take us all the way Wake up Philadelphia And let me hear ya sing The Orange and the Black The Orange and the Black

9 Things I Hate About Everyone 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.. 3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it? 4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses! 5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor. 6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine? 7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new. 8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? 9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong, 'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace. 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad. ' Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences. ' The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas. ' 'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died. 'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?' (You've gotta love this . 'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing